Page 45 of Unfix Me

What was the etiquette for this? It was pathetic that I didn’t know.

She was talking about photography, technical things that I didn’t understand. I’d been listening politely and interjecting with questions that were meant to betray my interest. It wasn’t a subject I cared about, but she was obviously passionate about it.

When it got quiet, we both just stared at each other. This felt like the make-it or break-it moment. I had to make a move, otherwise I’d miss it.

Swallowing hard, I inched forward. A soft smile settled on her lips before she met me in the middle. And I just… couldn’t. But I kept going anyway.

I pushed my fingers into her hair and held her against me. A surprised grunt came from my throat when she climbed onto my lap, one leg on each side of me. Her hips rolled at the same time that she pushed her tongue into my mouth.

Both of those things should’ve turned me on. I knew that. Knowing it and feeling it were two very different things.

In romances, people always got lost in each other. They kissed, then went into a frenzy and had to keep touching, licking, feeling. I went through the motions of kissing, but there was nothing driving me. It was all a conscious effort that already felt exhausting. If she did want to have sex, my dick would have to be coaxed with a lot more than her heat as she wiggled in my lap.

It was worse this time than the others. I wasn’t just uninterested; I felt uncomfortable. The need for escape arose fiercely and with every touch, I sunk into a sense of wrongness. This wasn’t supposed to feel wrong. Being with a man should.

Why the hell was I so broken? I just wanted my body to work right. I hated this. I hated myself right now, more wholly than I ever had.

“Hey,” I said, pulling back. I gripped her shoulder to keep her at a distance. “I’m sorry. I don’t feel that great. Do you think we can pick this up later?”

She bit her lip for a moment before she nodded. “Okay. Are you sick?”

“Maybe. I haven’t been sleeping well. It’s probably catching up with me.”

“I’ll be pretty busy this weekend with practice and I have a project to get done.”

“Text me when you’re free and we’ll figure it out.”

With an awkward smile, she grabbed her stuff and left. I felt like an asshole. Using her to try fixing myself wasn’t cool, but I was at my wit’s end.

Lying on my back, I stared up at the popcorn ceiling. I didn’t remember if I’d taken my meds today and I couldn’t bring myself to care. If I couldn’t get myself together, what did I even have to look forward to? Every day would be hard and I just didn’t see myself finding happiness the way Derek had.

Those smiling fucking faces. Maybe it was all a ruse, a mask they all pulled on in the presence of a professional photographer to convince not only others but also themselves. I knew that if it was me, I’d be faking it. And that future sounded worse than death.

Chapter 16

Kai

When I pulled up to the rink, my teeth slammed together. My jaw ached from how hard I was clenching it. I had to remind myself that I was prettier with all of my teeth intact.

Like the reliable person I was, I knocked on Sen’s door this morning. He didn’t answer, so I assumed he didn’t want to work with me anymore, which was fine. I thought it would help him out and I knew it was a good gig for him because the pay was alright and the boss was more flexible than most. It was his choice, though.

Apparently, he just didn’t want to ride with me. He was standing outside of the doors with his backpack, wearing a hoodie that was drenched through. He looked like a sad puppy.

With a sigh, I got out of the car. Flipping my keys around my finger, I took my time walking up to the building and started to hum ‘Beautiful Things.’ It’d been playing endlessly in my TikTok feed lately and it was catchy.

When I reached the doors, I looked Sen up and down. “Did you fall in a puddle?”

“It’s raining,” he replied shortly.

“Hm.”

I unlocked the door, then held it open for him. His chin stayed tucked down as he passed me. It wasn’t until he’d reached the kitchen and peeled off his hoodie that he finally looked at me.

“Same as last week?”

Leaning back against the counter, I crossed my arms over my chest. “Yup.”

He set to work, already moving faster than the first day. This was now his fourth, so if he’d still been struggling, I would’ve been concerned about his intellect.

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