Page 29 of Unfix Me

“Have they given you space since you got here?”

“No,” he scoffed. “They’re on my ass.”

“I’m sure it comes from a good place.”

His eyes met mine. There was something dark there and if I knew he’d be comfortable with it, I would’ve pushed for more.

“What about you?” he prodded.

My phone chimed and I held up a finger. I opened his door and found the delivery person standing in front of mine.

“It’s for me. Kai Adler.”

He nodded and handed me the bag without a word. I settled back on the bed and dumped out the contents, then tossed him a taco. After I’d eaten two of them, I came up with an answer to his question.

“The familiar. I like that there are new things here. Different people, street names, weather. Some people feel comfortable surrounded by recognizable things, but I like this. I’ve lived in the same house my entire life and now… I don’t know, I feel like I can explore exactly who I am.”

“You seem like you already know who you are,” he noted.

“Sure, but maybe it’s like fine-tuning myself. We’re always growing, morphing into a different version of ourselves. Sometimes, it resembles the previous one, but I think some of the best metamorphoses are the big ones. You can nevertrulyknow who you are until you’ve been alone with yourself.”

“Why do you think that? Aren’t we supposed to be our best selves when we’re around people we love?”

“No, I don’t think so. When things are hard, who do you criticize the most? Yourself. Having to face all the shitty parts when there’s nobody around to influence your perceptions has to result in us finding our most authentic self, right?”

He leaned back in his chair. I tried not to stare, but I wanted to read something on his face. Anything. I wondered if I’d gone too philosophical on him.

“Or we learn to hide from ourselves,” I continued with a shrug. “I think a lot of us go that route too.”

“Do you?”

“Hide from myself? Sure, in some ways.”

“All I see is you being proud of who you are and not being ashamed.”

I offered him a smile. “I don’t hide from others, but that doesn’t mean I’m always as self-aware as I should be.”

“How do you do that?” His question was so soft that I almost didn’t catch it.

“What do you mean?”

“How do you figure out who you are confidently enough to broadcast it to the world?”

“Uh, I don’t know. My dad has always been my number one fan in everything that I do. That’s a parent’s job, or at least it should be. I know not all of them are that way.”

I thought about West’s dad. Meeting him might have been the greatest eye-opener for me as a kid. Suddenly, I was struck by how lucky I was. Even though my dad was sick and I’d been losing him for seventeen years, I had more good memories than West ever would. I became who I was because of endless love and support, whereas he had to fight tooth and nail to grow into someone with a heart like his. Not everyone was so lucky. Bitterness and hate had a way of growing like a cancer inside of someone. He still fought every day and I respected the hell out of him for it.

“Are you coming to the game on Friday?” I asked when he didn’t respond.

“I don’t know.”

“Me and West need another person cheering for us.”

Finally, he smiled. “I’m sure you both have a whole fan club in the stands.”

“Doesn’t mean as much as having a friend out there.”

“Fine, but I expect a good seat.”

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