Page 2 of Everything I Want

“Scott, this is Lorelei Harper, she’s here about the volunteering opportunities.”

“Thank you,” I nod at her and she leaves the office.

Lorelei confidently takes the seat across from me, and I hope my gut is right about getting to know her better.

December 1st

Lorelei

I’m sitting in the passenger seat of Andrew’s beloved 1965 Ford Mustang. The smell of the new leather he had redone a few months ago fills my senses. I feel the stretch of the smile spreading on my face as I watch my husband drive his baby. He’s spent years restoring every piece of this car. But I can also sense the feeling of dread taking over. The anxiety, settling in my chest, because I know what comes next.

I see Andrew’s face drop, the fear in his eyes when he turns to look at me and tells me he loves me. I look out the window to see the truck barreling towards us. On the wrong side of the highway. Not slowing down, and not caring we were there. Andrew tries to swerve, the truck going faster. I brace myself for what is to come.

I shoot straight up in my bed, grasping the sheets in my fists at my side. Woken up by the ongoing nightmare in a cold sweat, yet again.

The nightmares have been coming and going the last five years. The past few weeks they’ve come back with a vengeance. They’ve been so vivid, so real. I wake up each morning with the same dread and grief that filled my heart the first time I’d heard Andrew wasn’t going to wake up in that hospital room.

Lacey, my daughter who is living with me at the moment, has heard my screams in the middle of the night. I’ve had to tell her about my nightmares. She obviously told my other daughters who live nearby, Scarlett and Addy.

They seem to think that I’m having nightmares again because I feel guilty about possibly dating someone new after being a widow for five years.

It could be just that. I do feel guilty. I feel terrible in fact, like I’m betraying Andrew. But it’s been so long, I know he wouldn’t want me to sit around the house all day miserable and missing him.

I started volunteering at the senior center about a year ago. Andrew was supposed to start his retirement around that time. We are supposed to be traveling the world together.

The pressure of missing him was making my chest feel tight, like it could crack at any moment. I had to get out of my house, I felt like the walls were caving in on me. I couldn’t continue to sit around and think about all the things I was missing out on. Andrew wouldn’t like that. He always lived life to the fullest.

I quickly learned that I love volunteering, setting up activities, and parties for the residents. Making the residents happy fulfilled my heart in a way that nothing else could since Andrew’s death.

That’s where I met Scott.

Scott manages the senior center and I work closely with him on planning the activities, outings, and parties for the seniors. The more nights we spent together planning, the more my feelings started growing. He is so kind, and reminds me of my late husband in the way he cares for others.

Scott was divorced a few years ago, his wife moved to Florida after their divorce and his boys are grown, living on their own here in town. We bonded over suddenly being completely alone with no spouse, and no children in the home every day.

We started to fill the lonely nights by going to dinner, or cooking together. Every time, my feelings grew, along with the guilt I feel more and more each time.

Forgive me, Andrew.I whisper into the loneliness of my bedroom.

Because of that guilt I’ve been keeping Scott strictly in thefriend zone, as my daughters call it.

Now that December is here, the hardest time of the year hits. Christmas was Andrew’s favorite holiday. We went all out for the girls growing up, and he would plan fun holiday themed dates for us starting December 1.

He called it the25 Dates of Christmas.

We would do one holiday activity together every night leading up to Christmas, just us. I miss that the most. Every single year the pain comes and it never gets easier.

My phone vibrates from the floor under my bed. Damn, I must have been thrashing in my sleep this time too. I bend over the edge to find it, using the cord as a guide to my phone.

Scott:Good morning, it’s December 1st. I’ll be there at 5:00 and we are going to pick out your tree.

My jaw drops open as I stare at the text.

I told Scott about our holiday tradition months ago and he told me he would make sure to hold up Andrew’s traditions this year. I didn’t really believe he would remember though, but here he is, before I even leave my bed on December 1st, holding true to his word.

Me: You really don’t have to. I don’t want to burden you.

Scott: Burden me? Lorelei, I’m happy to do this with you. I will see you at 5:00.

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