Page 11 of Everything I Want

It hits me in the chest, that maybe my boys felt a small fraction of that abandonment when I chose work over them. It brings tears to my eyes and I make a note that I need to call them tonight. I hate that I’ve ever caused my boys pain but I’m dedicated to continue to strengthen my relationship with them as adults.

Oliver is like the grandkid I don’t have yet, and judging by my son’s dating lives, or lack of, I won’t be getting any grandkids from them any time soon. So I love soaking up my time with Oliver.

“Scott! Grammy said we were going to make a craft tonight! What are we making? What did you bring for dinner? Grammy said that we didn’t have to make dinner.” That boy can ramble off a hundred questions in less than a minute.

“Hey there. We are! I brought stockings for us to decorate. And I thought that you and I could cook for Grammy so she can just relax. What do you think?” I hand him a few of the lighter bags so he can bring them in for me.

“Yes! I love cooking for Grammy, but I’m not allowed to use the stove alone,” he pouts.

“Well don’t worry because I’m here to help you stay safe with the stove.” I ruffle his hair.

I grab the rest of the bags and usher him along into the house while he talks about his day at school and what he wants to do over his holiday break.

Lorelei greets us at the door, and I place a kiss to her forehead. After her display at the senior center, I figured it was okay to move past a hug as a greeting, especially since my hands were full.

“Hello, beautiful. It’s so nice to see your face.” Between work today, and seeing my ex-wife I am especially grateful to see Lorelei tonight. I was surprised when she leaned up for an actual kiss, but I was happy to oblige.

“Ooooh, Mom is kissing Scott!” Lacey teases when she comes into the room, and when I look, I see all the girls on facetime from Lacey’s phone staring at us.

“Get it Mom!” Scarlett says with a smirk on her face. She’s the most vocal about teasing Lorelei but I know it’s all done in fun and love.

“Oh you girls. Stop. Lacey don’t you have somewhere to be?” She scolds.

“Sure do. I’m going to go say bye to my little guy and then I’ll be out of your hair, but don’t forget, Oliver blabseverythingtoeveryone.” She walks away chuckling with the other girls.

I pull Lorelei back in using my now free arm to get her close to me again before I lean down and kiss her properly without any interruptions. She leans into me and when I try to wrap my arm around her shoulders, I’m reminded that my arms are actually full of craft supplies. “As much as I’m enjoying this kiss, I’d like to continue it without craft supplies.” I lean my forehead to hers.

“Oh, gosh. I’m so sorry. I got lost in the moment, come on let’s get set up.” She leads the way to the kitchen table. I see she has set down a plastic tablecloth. She looks at me eyeing the table. “I thought there might be glitter in this craft session, or paint, and Oliver doesn’t really contain his mess,” she shrugs.

“We are going to decorate stockings so I think a mess catcher is the best idea with him. I love that kid, but he is kind of a tornado when it comes to messes,” she laughs.

Cooking surprisingly went well with Oliver. The shepherd’s pie proved to be an easy recipe for him to follow, and we set up all the craft supplies while it cooked in the oven.

Decorating stockings was another story. I think poor Lorelei will be finding glitter in her kitchen for months to come. I would feel bad, but we all had a great time hanging out and decorating. Now Lorelei is putting Oliver to bed.

I walk around downstairs shutting off all the lights, turn on the classical Christmas music that she loves so much, and then switch on the candle lights in the windows. The living room has a beautiful glow from the tree, and everything is just as Lorelei likes it when she wants to relax at night.

I'm standing, staring at the tree, lost in my own thoughts of Christmas when I hear her footsteps approaching.

“Scott, thank you so much for getting everything ready, and doing the dishes!” She smiles at me from the kitchen island.

“You’re welcome. Come on, let’s sit on the couch for a bit.” She walks over, grabbing a blanket on her way. We snuggle in close together on the couch and just enjoy the quiet music together for a bit.

“So, are you going to tell me what was wrong today?” She asks looking up at me.

I should have known that she would pick up on the difference in my mood when I first arrived tonight despite trying to hide it.

“Just a rough day at work, I was afraid I wouldn’t make it tonight. I also ran into my ex-wife at the store as Mrs. Smith was trying to get the gossip on you and I.” I haven’t really told her thewhole story with Susan beyond the fact that she left a few years ago.

“You’ve told me that she left after the boys graduated, but can I ask what happened?” She asks me, snuggling closer and the heat of her body filling me with a warmth that has nothing to do with the fire.

“Of course you can. I’ll warn you though, it isn’t going to put me in a good light for you,” I warn her.

“I promise not to judge you.” She smiles up at me before settling back on my chest.

“Well. I was a workaholic when the boys were younger. I was trying to work my way up at the senior center, and held the belief that working all the extra hours, and going above and beyond would result in the ultimate dream. She was a stay at home mom, and I guess I subscribed to the idea that she should be able to handle everything in the house, and it was my job to make all the money. Which resulted in long hours, and a lot of missed family events, sports games, and date nights.” I pause, looking at her to take in her expression.

Her soft look urges me to keep going. “We did marriage counseling, and I changed for a bit. But eventually my job was so used to me being available all the time that they stopped asking and just started expecting. She started pulling away from me, and we grew distant. The boys were about twelve at this point. One day they asked me why I never hung out with them. And it broke my heart. Something snapped in me and I suddenly saw everything she did and all she’d been trying to get me to understand over the years. But it was too late for us at that point. We stayed together for the kids, but our relationship was broken. She left right after they graduated high school for Florida.” I lean my head onto Lorelei’s and place a gentle kiss on top of her head.

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