Page 41 of Silent Cravings

“Please, it’s the least I can do. You have all been amazing throughout all this craziness. Especially you,” Rose added, turning to me with a smile. “You are a gift to everybody who knows you. We are so lucky to have you in our lives, looking after us, making sure we have what we need.”

Maybe that’s who I’d become, a momma to everyone else when I’d lost the chance.

“Amen.” My sister draped an arm around my waist and gave me a little squeeze. “I just wish you would take care of yourself now.”

I only offered a weak smile while carefully tucking the velvet box into my purse for safekeeping. I couldn’t tell my sister or any of them that it was easier to focus on other people—friends, family, clients—because it meant not having to think too much about myself. That was one thing I had learned through this experience, sort of a wake-up call when it came to the way my mind worked. It was safer to pour my energy into making things perfect for everybody else because they would never be perfect for me.

I was in all kinds of turmoil by the time we gathered together in the country club dining room. Evan was the master of ceremonies, quietly ordering the staff around,offering drinks to the guests, and generally putting everyone at ease. That was a gift he had.

He also had a gift of making my stomach do cartwheels when I set eyes on him. It was that sudden fluttery sensation that made my heart drop in dismay. I cared too much. I had completely forgotten to guard my heart this time around.

And two nights ago, I’d come close to confessing a secret I’d never told anybody. Not even Aria. What was he supposed to do with the fact that I sometimes went to the park and thought about the baby I lost? How I sometimes talked to her in my head while I watched little kids run around, wondering what she would have looked like and what her voice would’ve sounded like.

It was on the tip of my tongue before I thought twice. He would never understand.

“Here’s the bride!” Ari came toward us with his arms outstretched. I had never seen him glowing the way he did when he smiled at his daughter. “I was going to send out a search party if you didn’t show up soon.”

“I just needed a minute with my girls,” Rose explained, kissing his cheek before Colton joined her. She changed right before my eyes, her smile going soft and tender. In another few seconds, she would look like one of those smiley-face emojis with hearts where her eyes should be. If a stranger walked in right now, they would know exactly who this rehearsal dinner was for.

That would never be me.

Lifting my gaze, I found Evan watching me from across the room. We had to maintain appearances in mixed company, and right now, that was a good thing. An excuse to avoid him, to avoid the awkward questions bound to be on his mind and the feelings I hadn’t guarded myself against.

Deep, burning regret made my chest ache and tearsburn behind my eyes. I blinked them away, angry with myself for being so weak. My feelings didn’t matter now. If I had missed out on the chance to be happy and had trust issues as a result, that was my problem. Not Rose’s or anyone else’s.

If feet could sighin relief, mine would have once I slid out of my strappy sandals in my hotel room. The silence was miraculous after hours spent surrounded by happy, laughing people who insisted on giving countless toasts.

It was past midnight by the time I washed off my makeup. Tomorrow would already be a long day, and it wouldn’t get any easier if I didn’t get right to bed.

My bridesmaid dress hung over the back of the closet door. I smiled at it in passing, unzipping the dress I’d worn to dinner and pulling on an oversized T-shirt to sleep in.

The following day’s itinerary ran through my head as I turned down the bed and grabbed my phone, sliding between the sheets. There was no way I’d be able to sleep without making sure there were no outstanding messages waiting to be answered.

My head touched the pillow before there was a knock at the door. For a second, the idea of pretending I was fast asleep was appealing enough to tempt me, but then there was the chance of missing something important. What if a problem arose and I had ignored it? That was what got me up and across the room so I could peer through the peephole into the hallway.

Except I should’ve known there was only one person who would knock at my door at this time of night. Evan stood with a hand against the doorjamb, leaning casually,maybe a little drunk after celebrating with the guys. His already sexy hair was tousled, his shirt untucked, and his collar hanging open.

For some reason, what would normally have turned me on only pissed me off. He figured he could show up unannounced, uninvited, and get anything he wanted.

Instead of ignoring him, I opened the door and folded my arms, looking him up and down. Damn his sizzling little smirk as he did the same to me, eyeing my T-shirt. “What are you doing here?” I asked with a roll of my eyes. “It’s so late, and I have to be up early. So do you.”

“I know.” His smirk widened to a knowing smile. I could smell the whiskey on his breath when he leaned in like he was looking for a kiss. “I figured we would sleep better together after a short workout… if you know what I mean.”

He entered the room and closed the door behind him, then took me by the waist before I could move beyond his reach. I was in no mood, but it seemed he didn’t notice or care.

“What are you doing?” I asked, turning my face away when he leaned down.

“What do you think I’m doing?” He laughed like it was all a game, and I guess to him, it was. That was my fault. I had let him believe I was that easy to sleep with. Touch me the right way, say a few dirty things to turn me on, and I was as good as on my back with my legs in the air.

Resentment bubbled in my chest, searing my insides. Just then, I didn’t know who I was angrier with, him or myself, for letting him believe I was so easy to seduce.

“I never said I was in the mood for this tonight,” I reminded him, fighting to sound calm and reasonable as I freed myself from his grip. When his hands landed on my hips, I shoved them away, grinding my teeth when hegroaned like he was losing something that belonged to him. I did not belong to him. Maybe once upon a time, I thought I’d had, but he shattered that.

“What’s the matter this time?” he asked with an exasperated sigh as I went to the bed and sat down. “What did I say that was so wrong?”

“Have you always acted like everything is about you, or am I only noticing it now?”

“For fuck’s sake.” He threw his hands in the air, shaking his head, muttering all sorts of things I didn’t feel like listening to. This was only ever a good time for him. I knew that. He had never made any promises.

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