Page 49 of Silent Cravings

The icy coffee was a treat, cooling on a warm afternoon. I sipped it, sighing, wondering where to start putting this behind me. Evan, our past, our present. How could I ever move on when I’d never be able to avoid him for long? How could I have been so careless, getting involved with him again?

The week since the wedding hadn’t done much to ease the burning, raging anger. It wasn’t him I was angry at—not anymore. It was me. I knew better. That hadn’t stopped me. I was a child who couldn’t be told the flame would burn my skin. I needed to hold my hand over it and find out the hard way.

What was it that caught my attention? Was it the scent of cologne I would know anywhere floating my way on the breeze? No, I would feel him anywhere, no matter what he was wearing. Something inside me had always been able to sense him.

Taking a deep breath, I turned my head slowly until I found Evan standing a few benches down from where I sat.He was dressed like so many people walking past in both directions, wearing a T-shirt and jeans, his hands sliding into his pockets once my attention landed on him.

My heart stuttered. Why was it so impossible to let go of him? My blood hummed, and my body went warm, all because he was within my field of vision. Weariness I’d spent a week trying to ignore settled over me like a heavy blanket. What I wouldn’t have given if he would only hold me, soothe me, piece me back together.

“What are you doing here?” I asked. I would have stood and might even have walked away if it wasn’t for the trembling that spread throughout my body when I saw him coming. But I didn’t trust myself to get up from the bench without falling flat on my face.

“I thought I might find you here.” He stood yards away, under the shade of a graceful tree, but even at a distance, I recognized the way his eyes shone with what might have been tears. What was this about? “I’ve come over here the past few days, waiting around, hoping I’d see you.”

“You didn’t,” I deadpanned. “Tell me you’re exaggerating.”

“I haven’t gotten a word out of you in a week. Going to your apartment would’ve been a waste of time. For all I knew, you would have called the cops. We didn’t exactly end things well last weekend.” Shrugging, he added, “What else could I do but hope you still came here?”

The idea of him wandering around here, hoping to see me, did funny things to my heart.Don’t do this. For once, don’t make it that easy. “You found me. Congratulations.” I crossed my legs, folding my arms, doing everything I could to protect myself. My body was one thing, but my heart? It throbbed with every beat, threatening to burst out of my chest. “I come here to be alone.”

“You don’t have to be. I could be here with you. I… I want to be with you.”

“When it’s convenient for you? When I tear you a new one, and you feel like you have to do something to work your way back into my—” A pair of little girls ran past, squealing over something, and I thought twice about my choice of words. This wasn’t the place.

“That’s not what I’m trying to do.” When I sighed, rolling my eyes, he groaned. “I swear. This isn’t about that. I made so many mistakes. I always knew I did, and I never had the guts to come clean and tell you everything I was thinking and feeling.”

“You still haven’t found the guts,” I reminded him. Because fuck it, if he was going to invade my privacy this way and think he suddenly understood everything because he found me sitting on a park bench, I was determined to stand my ground. “What are you thinking and feeling? What were you thinking and feeling back then that you couldn’t tell me about?”

He looked pained, and I was glad. Let him be. Let him feel a fraction of what I’d carried all this time. “I was… shocked,” he gritted out.

He took a step in my direction, then another. When I braced myself, sitting up a straighter, he paused. “I was scared shitless. All of a sudden, I saw every plan I ever had for my life dissolving. I could hear my dad in my head, reminding me how irresponsible I was, telling me I was lucky he could give me a safety net. I didn’t want his safety net. And I didn’t want your father cutting my balls off for getting his daughter pregnant.”

“You never thought to ask me what I wanted to do about the baby,” I reminded him. It was like sticking my finger in a wound and wiggling it around, stirring up as much pain aspossible, but this was the only way to get through it. After ten years, I wanted to get through it. No, Ineededto.

“I know. For what it’s worth, you didn’t give me the chance.” He held up a hand when my mouth fell open, shaking his head. “I’m not blaming you. But you did run off before I could fully process the news. You didn’t give me a chance, and I punked out and didn’t call you because I was sure you didn’t want to talk to me. I thought I destroyed everything to the point where I couldn’t make it better.”

He sat on the bench beside mine, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, staring at the carousel. “I don’t know. I guess it was safer that way too. Easier in the short term. I told myself if you wanted to keep the baby, you would tell me, and we would work it out. Every day that passed, I waited for that call. And then you did call, and you told me…”

I finished for him, “Told you it was all over.” The memory of that call was clear, sharp as a knife. “Which I’m sure was a relief.”

“I was an eighteen-year-old guy who just found out his life could keep going the way he planned. Of course, it was a relief.” He turned to me, and now a tear rolled down his cheek. “And I was too ignorant and immature to imagine what it did to you. I assumed it was a relief for you the way it was for me. You wouldn’t have to sacrifice anything either.”

As much as I didn’t want to accept that, it made sense.

“I’ve never been great at guessing what people are feeling,” he admitted, running a hand across his cheek, catching the tear that had escaped. “And even now, I’m not much better than I was at eighteen. If you had told me what you were thinking and feeling, I would’ve come back to be with you for as long as you needed. I want you to know that. Ineedyou to know that. I know… it’s easy for me to say it now…” he scoffed, waving a hand, “… but it’s the truth. I would have. I loved you. You were the love of my life, Valentina.”

I drew a hitching breath, tears spilling over my lashes. Here we were, sitting in public, blubbering like idiots. Yet we were closer now, fully clothed and sitting feet apart than we had ever been in our most intimate moments. This, right here, was real intimacy. Vulnerability. Sharing what mattered.

“Dammit, Istilllove you.” His voice was low but filled with intensity that sent a tingle down my spine and spread certainty through me. “I understand you might never be able to return that love, and I don’t blame you. But I’m here now. I’m here for you. If you need help processing things and dealing with your feelings, I want to help in any way I can. You don’t have to do it on your own. Not anymore.”

Emotion tightened my throat and made my eyes leak again, harder this time. If anyone passing happened to notice us, they would probably think we were breaking up.

“I’ve felt alone for so long.” I brushed a tear away, but it was only followed by another. “And that’s partly my fault. I was too proud to tell anybody what happened. I wouldn’t have told Aria if she hadn’t found me like she did. There’s another side of the coin I didn’t think about back then. I painted myself into a corner by keeping it all to myself. And I obviously gave you the idea I got over it like it didn’t matter.”

“I should have known better,” he insisted in a voice heavy with sorrow.

“You couldn’t have.”

“I’m sorry. So sorry.” He got up and moved to my bench, giving me space rather than smothering me. “I’ll never stop being sorry for everything. All the mistakes, all the time Iwasted telling myself what we had back then wasn’t real. The lies I fed myself so I could get over you. Get over us. You were so… extraordinary in every way. I couldn’t imagine you felt anything real for me.”

---