Page 13 of Mind Pucked

She nods and pulls back to look at me. Her eyes are so red. I wish I could fix this.

“Yes.”

I tap her nose with the tip of my finger, trying not to get emotional myself. This is not the time.

“You know what? I have those dreams a lot too. It’s memories. Or something like that. It’s a good thing, because it means we remember her, and wherever she is, she remembers us. It’s almost like a message.” I don’t even know if I believe what I’m saying, but I want to. And it’s the best way I have to ease how she feels.

“Mommy talks to me?” she asks, and I nod, unable to say anything now without crying myself.

We stay like that for a few minutes as we come down, just breathing with each other in each other’s arms. Then, she asks me, “Daddy, can you read me a story?”

I nod, knowing just the one she wants. It was Lyla’s favorite. She read it to her even while she was still growing in the womb.

I get Hayden back into her bed and pull out the very worn copy ofGoodnight Moon. I curl up in bed next to her and start reading it, and she points her finger when there’s a word she knows, like moon.

I don’t leave the room again until I’m sure she’s asleep peacefully. As I do, I can hear my vibrating cell phone on the couch down the stairs.

I take my time getting to it, not knowing what anyone could possibly want that’s so important at this time of night. I see on the caller ID that it’s Oliver.

I’m sure Dean’s with him too. Those two are always together if Dean’s not at home with his wife.

“What’s up?” I ask, hearing how down I am in my voice. I hate being the downer in the group. Losing my wife and being a single dad, it doesn’t make you the most fun to be around. I’m nothing like a typical hockey player. I’m supposed to be wild, getting into fights and getting women, but instead I’m reading bedtime stories, then having a beer alone on the couch, wanting to be left alone.

“Hey, what’s up, buddy?” Oliver says. I can hear Dean’s voice in the background, confirming my suspicions. There’s lots of noise, so I can only assume they’re out somewhere. “What are you doing? We want you to come out.” I think he’s a little tipsy.

I chuckle a little, trying to be a good sport. “You know I can’t go out, guys. I’m still trying to hire a nanny, though I think I’ve narrowed it down. As soon as I have one, I’ll be able to go out with you guys again some. Right now I have to be with my little girl. Just go ahead and have fun without me.”

I hear some shifting and movement through the phone, and then Dean is the one on the other end. “Do you want me to call Quinn to watch her? I mean, she’s watching our kids anyway. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind.”

I shake my head, thinking about all the times I’ve used and abused the fact that Quinn is such a good mother. And a good wife. “No, I can’t keep using her like that. She’s got three kids around to take care of. I don’t want to keep putting another on her plate so that she never gets a break, especially when Hayden refuses to bond with her.”

Dean chuckles darkly. “Man, you’re making me look like such a bad dad and husband right now.”

I close my eyes softly, not wanting to make him feel that way. “You know that’s not what I mean.”

“I know, I know.” I hear Oliver going off about something in the background. “Well, I really do hope you find a good candidate. What’s the holdup?”

I shuffle my feet, wondering if I should even say anything. But why not? These are my guys. Basically my brothers. “Well, I think I found a candidate, but honestly I’m worried about what happened the last time.”

It’s Oliver’s turn to talk, and yes, he’s definitely drunk. “Man, is she hot? If you’re that worried about it, she must be hot. Doesthat mean you’re finally into somebody?” he says, and I swear my chest tightens like I’m having a heart attack at that idea.

I haven’t dated anyone, haven’t even tried, since my wife’s death.

“Okay, that’s not even funny, Oliver. Drunk or not, don’t joke about that shit.”

Dean takes the phone away from him again. “We’re sorry, he just had too many, too fast…” Dean trails off, and I can tell he doesn’t know what to say at this point. I don’t know what to say either.

“I just need some rest. It’s okay. I’ll see you guys at the next practice.” Then, I hang up, not wanting to be in this conversation anymore.

3

AMELIA

Iopen a new tab, pulling up Spotify. It’s too damn quiet in this place. I’ve been sitting at my computer for over an hour now, looking for jobs I can apply for and researching various programs to get my teaching certificate locally. I think I’m still in the running for the nanny job with Jackson and Hayden, but I don’t really know. It’s been three days, and his behavior didn’t really tell me anything. Nothing useful, anyway. So, since I have rent to pay, I have to keep looking.

I pull up a playlist of my favorite songs to keep me going, and I stretch my neck and back, wiggling my fingers and toes before getting back to it.

I finish off the application for a daycare, after answering some open-ended questions. As if they’re really going to look at my answers. No need to make this process more efficient. It’s supposedly so easy to get a job when you have a degree in something. That’s the whole reason we waste an extra several years of our lives and lots of money to get one. Well, it was my parents’ money in my case, but still. Someone needs to do something about this.

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