Page 41 of Mind Pucked

“Awkwardness, embarrassment, and acknowledgement of our obvious attraction to each other. My behavior was out of line. You’re an employee and I’m your employer. At least, that’s how it should be. I may be ready to apologize for what happened, but…a part of me doesn’t really regret it. I’m mostly sorry for the distance and awkwardness it’s caused. I don’t want what happened between us to interfere with Hayden’s needs,” he explains.

“I’d never let anything cause a problem with Hayden. She has nothing to do with us, at least not at this point. It took two of us giving in to our desires to do what we did, so I’m just as guilty as you. I’m hoping we can just put it in the past and go on as if it never happened,” I say.

“I’d like to think that’s possible, but I’m not certain it’s that easy. I’m sorry, I truly am. However, forgiving and forgetting are two different things. Even if you forgive me I can’t forget it happened. It felt too good, too right in that moment. Now,it feels like a misjudgment, a mistake. I don’t know how to reconcile it in my head.”

He seems contrite and sincere. He’s not even looking me in the eye. He’s gazing out at the yard where the girls are kicking the ball back and forth, yet he’s not actually seeing them.

It makes me wonder what he is seeing. Maybe an image of us wrapped around each other? Or of him kicking me out of his home?

“I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me,” I admit.

His laugh is contemptuous. He slugs back the rest of his tea before replying, “Neither do I. That’s the biggest problem I’m having. I don’t exactly know what I feel, need, or want. It’s all tangled up in my head. The past and the future can’t coexist in my mind. It’s too confusing and unsettling for me to handle. My imagination goes haywire when I try to figure it all out.”

“I suppose confusion is understandable in this situation,” I answer. “You have needs and desires, but I’m the nanny. You certainly didn’t expect to get hot over me any more than I expected to be attracted to you. Let’s just try to forget it. I know you said you can’t, but there’s got to be a way to get back to how things were before this happened.”

“Either you aren’t listening or I’m not saying this right. I don’t think I want to go back to before. And yet, I don’t think I want to go forward either. It’s all mixed up. Maybe I’m not ready for another woman to mean something to me, or maybe you aren’t the right someone. Then again, you might be.”

He blushes and stands to pace the porch before adding, “I’m not looking for a serious relationship. Playing around is easy, simple and freeing in a way I haven’t had in a while. I’m not lookingto give that up. Truthfully though, I’m not meant to be a player either. I don’t enjoy it like the others do. I miss sharing a home with my wife, having meals together and knowing she’s in the stands watching me, even rooting me on.”

I’m shocked by his admissions and humbled that he’s confiding in me. “Okay, how about we take it slow, one day at a time. We’ll try for an honest friendship first. If it becomes more, then so be it. If not, then no harm is done. I can do that. Can you?”

His intense gaze finally meets mine. He struggles a little before answering, “Yes, I think I can.”

Over the next couple weeks, we try out our plan. It seems to be working quite well, and a friendship and understanding is slowly building.

One evening I take Hayden to a new pizza place that has small kiddie rides and games for everyone. Jackson meets us after his practice. A giggling Hayden snags him to teach her how to play Skee-Ball because she keeps hitting the plastic barrier above the ramp.

“Why haven’t you helped her with this?” he asks with a knowing grin.

“I think you’ve already figured that out. I suck at it. Who do you think showed her how to toss the ball and hit the guard in the first place?”

“I’m assuming you didn’t do well with baseball either,” he teases.

“I’m not gifted at sports. I’d rather watch. What about you? Can you play anything other than hockey?” I ask, trying to get a feel for who Jackson really is behind all his confidence.

“I do okay with most sports, but hockey is the only one I excel at or truly enjoy. It just seems to come naturally. You know, like you with kids. If you don’t like these types of games why did you bring Hayden to this particular pizza place?” he inquires.

“So she can discover what she likes and excels at. Obviously not Skee-Ball, but we’ll find something else. Besides, I intend to play some of the old arcade games. They’re my favorites. I bet I can beat your ass at any of them,” I challenge.

We settle Hayden at a table with a snack and play a competitive round of Asteroids. I manage to beat his score, barely. It’s fun and I discover Jackson is able to relax his arrogant attitude when he’s enjoying himself.

He gets us beers and we continue asking questions about favorite colors, television shows and other trivial things that give us insight to who we really are inside. It’s so adorable when Hayden joins in telling us her favorites as well. It feels almost as if we’re a family.

All that swiftly changes when Jackson does mention family.

“My mother called, and she’s invited us to a family gathering over the weekend. I know it’s short notice. It was for me as well. But I’d appreciate it if you’d come with us. Hayden does better at interacting with people when you’re with her. She looks to you for guidance. She’s gotten really attached to you very quickly.”

“I’m attached to her too. How can I not be? She’s precious, smart, and caring. But…I don’t think me going to a family function will go over well with your parents. You didn’t say theyinvited me, or even mentioned me at all. I’m not on their guest list. I won’t intrude. Hayden will do fine without me,” I argue.

“Iwon’t do fine without you. I need your help with Hayden. I’m inviting you. It’ll be fine, I promise. Please, say you’ll come.”

“Please, Amelia,” Hayden adds.

“Fine. But if your parents get upset, it’s all on you. I tried to warn you.” I’m giving in because Hayden asked, not because of the eager expression on Jackson’s face.

When the day arrives, all I want to do is back out and spend the day at home. The thought of facing Jackson’s family is almost too much to bear. My discomfort rises as the time to leave draws closer.

Jackson is picking me up, and I won’t go back on a promise I made to Hayden. If I stay home, I would have to teach her that grownups don’t keep promises, which I’m not willing to do.

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