Page 35 of Mind Pucked

I can’t believe how much I’m thinking of her right now. It’s not like she isn’t always on my mind, but I wonder if what happened with Amelia has me ramping up my memories even more.

My mind must be trying to reconcile the past and the present somehow. I can’t tell if what I’m feeling is guilt or regret, or just fear of life moving forward.

Once she finishes her ice cream cone and we get her cleaned up, Hayden widens her eyes and points to a small display of balloons on the counter. One of them is bright yellow with a giant happy face. “Daddy! Look!”

“I see it,” I say, and the pangs of dad guilt once again tug at me. I don’t want to ruin our day with breakdowns and tears, and I want to keep her in good spirits as I have a feeling more questions or conversations about her mom might crop up at the park.

I’ve become such a softy I can’t even believe it myself sometimes. I hope Lyla would be proud.

“I’ll take the yellow one,” I say, walking toward the cashier and pulling out my wallet.

“Take it,” the cashier says, smiling. “They’re actually for the little kids.”

I smile and take a few dollars out, putting it in the tip jar before grabbing the balloon in one hand and Hayden’s hand in the other.

“Thank you, Daddy!” Hayden squeals, and I’m on top of the world.

Once we buckle up, we head down the street to the park. It isn’t overly crowded when we arrive.

I’ve always had mixed feelings coming back to the park, being that it was one of Lyla’s favorite places to come with Hayden as a baby. I know I can’t avoid familiar places though, and it’s good for me, just like cleaning out her things.

We spend some time walking around the park. Tall trees line the walkway between the part of the park that’s meant for the smaller kids and the other park area that caters to the bigger kids.

Hayden is running around with her arms out to her side like an airplane, the balloon tied to her wrist. I can’t believe how big she’s gotten these last few years.

I nod my head at some of the people passing by, riding bikes or speed-walking with their partners. An older woman is walking with her dog, a furry little thing who stops and sniffs me.

The woman apologizes and tries tugging the dog away from my leg when Hayden sees what’s happening and starts running.

“Puppy!” she yells, and her legs are like the wind as she races to us.

“Let’s be gentle,” I remind her once I get the okay from the owner that it’s alright for Hayden to pet the pup. I lean down and show her how to greet the dog by letting it sniff me first and going under its mouth instead of aggressively coming at it from above.

Hayden moves her hand in and I watch as the string of the balloon comes loose and the balloon begins floating into the air. I do my best to try and snatch it but the wind picks up and it’s out of my reach before I can grab it. Hayden lets out a whine and her shoulders immediately deflate with defeat.

The dog becomes a bit agitated at her reaction and starts barking at her. This only makes Hayden more upset, and the owner flashes a sympathetic look and apologizes under her breath before keeping it moving with the dog.

It isn’t until I glance up that I see Amelia and a friend jogging up the walkway while chitchatting. Amelia spots the scene going on between me and Hayden and jogs over to us.

As if Hayden being upset over the balloon and the dog isn’t enough, seeing Amelia has me more overwhelmed than I ever anticipated I’d be during a quick fun outing at the park.

“Hey,” Amelia says, sympathy in her voice as she takes a knee to see if Hayden is okay. “Are you okay? What in the world happened?”

Hayden points to the sky where the balloon has gotten caught in some branches far too high to be able to retrieve it. As I look down on their interaction, I can’t help but feel such a relief that Amelia came into Hayden’s life—she’s so good with her.

I also can’t help but notice how good Amelia looks in her workout gear. It’s tight in all the right places and flashes of our time together come flooding back. I try to look away before I make it awkward, and I say a quick hi to her friend. She looks so familiar, but I can’t put my finger on where I may know her from.

“Hey, I’ll bring you a balloon the next time I come to see you, okay?” Amelia reassures Hayden, squeezing her gently. She asks Hayden if she would like to meet her friend, introducing the woman she’s with as Brooke. Hayden lessens her sniffles and gives the friend a little wave. I’m glad to see things turn around so quickly, but I’m not sure what to say to Amelia.

Amelia already had the last couple days scheduled as her days off, which means I haven’t seen her since we had sex. And I never called. I never sent a follow-up text. I dropped the ball in every possible way on that front. I have no idea what she might be thinking, and she can’t possibly know what I’m thinking.

All I’ve been able to think since it happened is that what we did is wrong, and I can’t keep going down this road. She’s too young. It’s not appropriate.

“I don’t want to assume anything though,” Hayden says, directing her statement to me. “I’m not sure my services are still necessary.”

“Of course they are,” I say.

My response is almost instinctual, before I have a real chance to think of a reason why they wouldn’t be. I also know that I’ll likely be getting bugged by the boys to go out over the weekend.

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