Page 28 of Knot My Secret Santa

We could. Just Avery and I. I could take her far away. There would be no obligations to distract us. My stomach fluttered with something I wasn’t used to feeling. I didn’t even recognize it to give it a name. “Okay. We stay until Friday. We go back home. You’ll stay at my apartment and pop in to see your family to do what you need there. Next week, most people will be gone from the office for the holidays already.” Oh yes, fucking her everywhere in the office. I needed to make that happen. “I can email everyone now and give them the whole week off so we could be there alone.”

“Nathaniel,” she said in barely more than a whisper. “We can’t just hide this, us, away from the world. Someone will find out eventually and then what?” Her eyes shimmered. Was she going to cry? No, I would not allow her to be upset about this. “Besides, my heat will be over very soon. Then you’ll… It will all….” She shook her head and weakly shrugged her shoulders as her chin trembled. The tears started to break free.

No. I wiped the tears away. “Don’t cry, beautiful. Let me prove to you how much we need to be together. I will take you away to our own private island. I will serve your every whim. No one will miss us at work because it’s the holidays—”

“You’re not listening.” Her voice rose, and I loved that even with her tears, she wasn’t weak. As much as I wanted her to run off with me, she didn’t fold. “I have obligations. Not just work. I have family, who I do love and want to be with. I have friends and caroling and volunteer work. Several people count on me, and I don’t do these things just because they need me. I do them because I love to make them happy.” She wiggled free of my hold and sat up, brushing her hair back from her face as she added, “I want to make you happy too. But what you’re asking of me, I can’t do it.”

“Your family would understand.” They all seemed like happy, rational people. Certainly none of them would be angry if Avery wanted to take a trip. “They’d be happy for you going on a tropical adventure.”

“I’m sure they would.” She wiped her eyes and locked her gaze with mine. “But I wouldn’t. I want to be home with my family for the holidays.”

Even as I was doing it, I knew that I was. I dug in my heels, refusing to let go of this, of her. “Don’t you want to be with me? Don’t you care…” About me. Did she care about me? My feelings for her were a fucking mess. “Don’t you care about you and I?”

“Is there a you and I?” Her voice was once again soft and shaky. She drew her legs up to herself. Sitting there she was so exquisite, naked and vulnerable. I wanted to whisk her away and protect her from the world. When I didn’t reply right away, she nodded sadly. “We’re a secret. And we can’t be anything other than that. I do understand why. I really do. It’s better for both of us in the long run.” She slid out of bed and wrapped her arms around herself. “I don’t want secrets in my life. I don’t like them. You have no idea how difficult this has been for me to hide from everyone.”

“I know it hasn’t been easy.” I hadn’t thought about it being that hard for her because it wasn’t hitting on that many levels for me. There was no one I felt I needed to share anything with… Other than Avery. I couldn’t let this end. “But we can make it work. We’ll find a way together.”

“Not with me working at Donner Designs.”

Fuck, she was right about that. But it wasn’t stopping this feeling in me which caused my heart to race and my stomach to grow queasy. I rose to my knees and reached a hand toward her. “Come back to bed. Let’s talk this out. We’ll find a way to work around your family.”

“No. Stop it.” Avery swiped her forearm across her face, smearing her tears. I could not stand to see her cry. I was trying to make everything right. “I will not ‘work around my family.’ They are my family and I love them. They will always come first. I’m tired of lying to them. I know you probably don’t understand, not having your own. You don’t get how much I love them. You think they’d be easy for me to brush off and run away with you. But I won’t do it.”

Not having my own. Fuck.

My hand fell as a dagger slammed into my heart. Just as I realized I wanted to make us happen, she didn’t want me anymore. A dark part of me wanted me to grab and bite her, claim her so she could never leave. She would be mine forever whether she liked it or not.

But that was the problem. I needed her to want me as much as I wanted her. I longed for her to fall into my arms and tell me I was her everything. If she didn’t truly want us to happen, I would not force it on her.

And bringing in the fact I didn’t have any family was like slapping a rotten cherry on top of this shit sundae.

I dipped my head and sat back on the bed. “So be it then.”

What else could I say? She didn’t think I could understand. No one had any idea of what my life had been like before my parents died. I tried not to think of it myself. I would not beg and plead. I had tried to bend for her, to give her anything she could ever want, but it would always be about her family, and there was no winning there for me.

I closed the walls around the raging storm inside of me. What had I been thinking, wanting her to love me?

Love.

“I’m going to shower and dress and go over to the Franklin’s house. I’ll finish what I need to do with Olivia, and then I’ll take the shuttle back home.” Avery wheeled her suitcase toward the bathroom.

“Good. You can hire a car, though. The company will pay for it. Then you can take the rest of the month off for the holidays.” My voice sounded flinty like stone. I would figure out what to do with Avery in the new year after I’d cooled down. She’d do well at any firm that hired her.

“Nathaniel,” she began, pausing by the bathroom door.

“I’ll give you your privacy. Have a happy holiday season.” I turned my back to her and started to collect my clothes. I flinched when I heard the bathroom door click closed.

I’d been so desperate to hold on to her, I’d lost her.

I’d fucked up the best thing I’d ever had.

CHAPTER NINETEEN – Avery

I didn’t know how the morning had started in the best way possible and quickly turned into the worst day of my life. I’d been so happy, but as the day went on, I wondered why I had been so content. Nathaniel had never understood me. It was all a physical thing between us. Our Alpha and Omega hormones mixed into an addictive cocktail, and we were drunk on it.

The Franklins were ecstatic to see me, and I found the fake smile I had worn when I arrived turned genuine as the day went on. I gave Olivia the letter to Santa I wrote with Henry, and tears streamed down her face. Lloyd promised me that if I needed anything in the world no matter when or why, he would get it for me. I adored the whole lot of them.

We said our goodbyes mid-afternoon, and I was home in time for dinner. My grandparents were already at my parents’ house for the holidays, and we all ate together. I showed them the pictures of the closet transformation and of the Franklin family.

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