Page 53 of Pansies

“What have you done?” hissed Fen.

“N-nothing.”

“Did you say I was your date?”

“Sort of…maybe…accidentally.”

Fen pulled off his hat and put it down on the seat next tohim. “Oh, Alfie, you’re so messed up. You won’t let me touch you in case your father sees, but you out yourself in the middle of a curry house.”

For some reason, when Fen said it aloud, it didn’t seem that awful. Most of the time being gay, having to somehow let people know he was gay, just felt like a noise that echoed through Alfie’s head all the time, driving him slightly nuts. An alarm he couldn’t stop ringing. But here he was, at his favourite place, with Fen, being Alfie, being gay, and it didn’t seem to matter. He felt himself relaxing, just a little bit, and smirked across the table.

“I’m complicated,” he said, doing his best impression of Fen, which was quite a bit camper, and more southern, than the real version.

“I suppose I deserved that.” Fen had seemed very close to laughing, but he quickly grew serious again. “Um, listen, Alfie. I know this isn’t exactly the first thing you say, but given our history and everything South Shields has always taken for granted about me, I need you to know I’m not actually gay.”

Whatever Alfie’s racing mind had supplied after “uh, listen,” it was not this. It would never have been this. “You what? But you… But we… You seemed pretty damn gay when we—”

“I like men.” Fen cut sharply over his flailing. “But I’ve never identified as gay. Ironic, isn’t it. All those years, getting the shit kicked out of me for something I’m not.”

Okay. Well. Okay. This was okay. It was unexpected, but Alfie could cope. Totally. “So you’re bi or whatever?”

“I don’t use that word either.”

“Um, what’s the word got to do with it? Somebody who fucks men and women is bisexual.”

Even without the glitter of his eyes, Alfie could tell Fen was irritated. “Idofuck both men and women, but I’m not bisexual.”

“That sounds pretty bisexual to me.”

Whatever Fen said, Alfie couldn’t imagine it. Couldn’t imagine him with a woman. Except, then, suddenly he could. Fen’s pale, supple body moving over someone else’s, softer legs wrapped around his waist, softer hands spanning his back, all that fierce strength in him harnessed, not surrendered. Shit. Shit. Shit. It was awful. And Alfie realised it didn’t matter whether it was a woman or another man. It just mattered it wasn’t him.

“Dear me,” sighed Fen, “you’ve been gay for all of five minutes, and you’re already looking down on people who don’t exactly fit your categories. Bravo, Alfie Bell.”

“I’m not. I’m just trying to understand. If you’re not gay, and you’re not bi, what are you then?”

“Generically queer? I don’t care. I don’t see why it has to be important.”

Alfie stared. “How can it not be important?”

“I just don’t see why it has to be something I have to think about. The world’s an easier, kinder place for me when I’m with a woman, but I refuse to let that be my problem.”

He knew Fen was talking about principles, but Alfie couldn’t get himself unstuck from practice. Couldn’t stop thinking about Fen with someone else. “So, that’s what you’re looking for, then?”

“A world where the gender identity of the person you love is completely irrelevant? Yes. Also, a cure for cancer, an end to war, and actually being able to get a shop-bought sandwich out the container without spilling it everywhere.”

“No. A woman.”

Fen gazed bemusedly across the table, and then smiled a little. “For God’s sake, Alfie. I’m not sure whether to be annoyed or flattered. You’ve managed to focus all the complexities of social equality and sexual identity on who I want to boink?”

“Well, it’s kind of what’s affecting me right now.”

A pause. And then, very softly, “I’m not looking for anything.”

There was no way Alfie was letting him get away with that. “You must be looking for something, or you wouldn’t have let me pick you up that night at the Rattler.”

Fen went a little pink, but when he spoke, his voice was unexpectedly harsh. “I was fucked up, Alfie. I’d broken up with David—my boyfriend—a year ago, and I just felt so completely alone.”

“So you had a boyfriend?”

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