Page 37 of Pansies

A palm closed over the back of his neck. God, that was warm, so ridiculously warm. Where it touched him, the way it touched him, made him squirm, it felt so sweet. Made him so fucking vulnerable. He wanted to arch, gasping, into Fen’s hand. Lean into the suggested closeness of his body. Tip his head back for a kiss.

And, instead, Fen was about to shove his head down the toilet.

“Look,” he said, and he could hear the desperation in his own voice, “I know you want to do this…and…I’m going to let you, but can you do it, please? Can you do it now like?”

Great. He’d just literallyaskedfor it.

Fen’s hand tightened.

Okay. Fuck. This was happening.

Alfie tried to brace himself. Externally. Internally. Whatever would help.

Come on, come on. Take it like a man. Like he had his father’s belt. The occasional knock in a fight.

But that kind of stoicism seemed far away right now. When all he could remember was doing this to Fen. A thin body struggling against his. Sobbing gasps and splutters. Wet, defiant eyes. The furious white line of that hard-soft mouth.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

He was a fucking terrible person.

He genuinely deserved this.

“Do it. Fucking do it.”

Fen’s fingers curled into his neck, hard enough that he could imagine pale crescents pressed into his skin from the nails. But then Fen’s whole hand slipped away, and Alfie was sufficiently messed up by the whole business to miss his touch. He shivered helplessly with something that felt a bit like cold but wasn’t.

“I…I can’t,” Fen whispered.10

“Course you can, it’s easy. I’m not going to fight.”

A pause. No hand. No anything.

“Fuck.” Fen’s voice sounded so thin, so close to broken. “Why the fuck can’t I do this?”

“Uh.” Alfie cautiously raised his head. “Because you’re a better person than me? And you always have been?”

“I don’t want to be a better person. I want to make you feel bad.”

“I already feel pretty bad. If that helps.”

“It doesn’t help. That’s the problem.Nothingis going to help.”

There was a long silence. Alfie wasn’t sure whether to stand up or stay where he was, but once it became clear Fen wasn’t going to try again he sat back on his heels. At first he was mostly pretty relieved to be able to turn away from the toilet, but then he saw Fen was perched on the edge of the bath, head in his hands, looking utterly defeated.

“You alreet?”

“No. No, of course I’m not all right.”

“Y’know, if you don’t want to put my head down the shitter, you don’t have to. I’m okay with that.”

Fen looked up briefly. Offered a wan sort of smile. “Generous of you.”

Tentatively, Alfie grinned back. He wasn’t entirely sure what was happening, but frankly anything was better than hovering over the toilet. “Howay there. You seem more upset about it than I do.”

“Were you really going to let me?”

“Aye.” Alfie shrugged. “Seemed like the least I could do.”

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