Page 28 of Pansies

“Yeah, I want to never hear you call me ‘sunshine’ again.”

Greg drooped. “I thought you were serious.”

“I am.” Alfie got to his feet, pins and needles bursting across his arse and down the backs of his thighs, and wove to one of the floor-to-ceiling windows that surrounded the hundred and fifty square meters he owned of London. His reflection swam up from beneath the distant light and wobbled there like the shadow of a fish. He reached out and touched the glass, misty circles forming beneath his fingers. “I wish Fen didn’t hate me.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

Alfie lifted a shoulder. “Dunno. Summin else I want.”

“You get all northern when you’re drunk.” Greg unwound himself and padded barefoot across the room, cringing a little from the cold floor. “It’s adorbs.”

“Oh shurrup,” returned Alfie without rancour.

“Why does it bother you so much?”

“Well…because I’m not adorbs. That’s for bunnies on the internet. I’m sexy and manly and stuff.”

Greg made a sound perilously close to a giggle. “Yes, darling, you’re very sexy and manly and stuff. What I actually meant was why does it bother you so much that…whatshisname—”

“Fen.”

“—doesn’t like you?”

“That’s kind of a weird question coming from someone who once spent an evening crying because of a subtweet.”4

“Subtweeting is super mean. But, look, you haven’t thought about this guy in fifteen years. And you clearly didn’t care about him when you were growing up because, in your own words, you bullied the shit out of him.”

Alfie flinched. “It’s not…like…it’s not something you actively decide, you know? You don’t wake up in the morning and think,‘Hey, I think I’ll ruin someone’s life today.’ So it’s really horrible to have to face up to the fact you kinda did.”

“You’ll get over it.”

“What about Fen?”

“So will he. But, at this point, it’s none of your business.” Alfie must have made some kind of face, because Greg went on, “Oh God, what?”

“I guess I sort of wish it was. Or could be?”

“Well, it can’t,” Greg said mercilessly, “and you should leave him alone.”

“But I’ve fucked everything up so badly. Shouldn’t I at least get the chance to make it better?”

“No…I mean, yes, you should make amends if you can. The thing is, you’re not automatically entitled to try. Especially since Fen has made it pretty clear that he doesn’t want anything to do with you.”

Greg had a point. Alfie clung on doggedly anyway. “That was only because I didn’t get it when he first told me.”

“And if you had, he would have jumped into your arms while rainbows flew out of your arse?”

“He probably wouldn’t have thrown plant water over me.”

Greg sighed. “You still can’t make it better, Alfie. You did what you did.”

“I know that.” He banged an impatient hand against the glass, shocking both of them with the dull thump it made. “But I can at least say sorry properly. Show him that I get it. That even though he didn’t matter then, he matters now.”

Greg was staring at him with big, bewildered eyes. “How can he matter? He’s a guy you had sex with once and didn’t even recognise.”

“But he recognised me. Doesn’t that tell you something?”

“Yes, it tells me you’re really hot.”

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