Page 22 of Pansies

Alfie groaned. Kitty reached over and gently petted the spiky ends of his hair.

“It’s not all on me,” he mumbled. “He could have told me. And he didn’t have to sleep with me. And he really didn’t have to cover me in plant juice.”

“Generally”—Greg made his wise face—“when people do ridiculous things, it’s because they feel theydon’thave a choice.”

“Bollocks. He had choices. You don’t put your cock in somebody’s mouth because you’re confused.”

Greg gave a splutter of laughter. “You have much to learn, young Padawan.”

“For fuck’s sake.” Alfie reslumped. “It was fifteen bloody years ago. He should be over it by now.”

“Isn’t that up to him?” asked Kitty.

“Not if it’s stupid. It’s like he’s just decided I’m some kind of fucked-up monster based on some shit I did when I was teenager. And it’s not like he ever asked me to stop.”

“Oh right,” she snapped, “because that works so well with bullies.”

“Come on, I’m not a bully. You know I’m not.”

“And you’re telling us if he’d only said, ‘Hey, you, Alfred Bell, stop making my life miserable,’ you would have apologised and left him alone.”

Alfie reached up and clenched his fingers into his hair. “Oh God, I’m a horrible person.”

“You’re not a horrible person,” Kitty said, slightly more soothingly. There was a pause. “You’ve just done some horrible things.”

“Thanks. I feel so much better.”

“We’ve all done horrible things,” offered Greg.

“Yeah? What’s the most horrible thing you’ve ever done?”

Greg thought about it for a long time.

“Now you’re just taking the mick.”

“I’m not,” he protested. “I’m trying to think of something. Okay, once when I was using the self-service checkout at Marks & Spencer’s, I put a chocolate Easter egg through as garlic, and I didn’t correct it.”5

Alfie blinked. “That’s the most horrible thing you’ve ever done?”

“It’s actually theft. I could have gone to a prison.”

“Mate, when I was a teenager, we nicked cars. Not Easter eggs.”

“You nicked cars? But why?”

“How else were we supposed to get a car?”

“That’s the whole point of being a child.” The thing about Greg was that he had this kind of angel prettiness to him. Right now he looked like an angel who’d been told some people had eaten an apple they weren’t supposed to. “You don’t have access to automobiles.”

“We had fuck all else to do,” said Alfie, shrugging. “And there was this hill with a tight turn at the top called Lizard Lane. We used to race.”

“In stolen cars?”

“And we weren’t insured either.”

Greg was still staring at him, genuinely shocked and also, if Alfie was any judge, slightly excited. “You’re a dangerous criminal. Gosh, that’s so sexy.”

Kitty cleared her throat. “Finish it later, gentlemen.”

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