Page 151 of Pansies

“It’s not exactlyLove Actually, is it?” said Greg, with obvious disappointment.

Kitty elbowed him. “Maybe we should go find a B&B.”

“Try on Ocean Road.” Alfie jerked his thumb vaguely in the right direction. Not wanting to look anywhere except at Fen.

He was kind of aware of Kitty wishing them good night, Charles wishing them good luck, and Greg whinging that it was freezing. Then came a car engine. Then silence.

“You know you kind of”—Fen tapped himself on the chest a little self-consciously—“really hurt me. I thought maybe…after Mum…I’d be immune. Or at least a bit resistant.”

“I know it sounds beyond daft, but I was trying to do the right thing.”

“For who?”

“You. But I fucked it up, Fen. I fucked it up so bad.”

Fen was chilly and glittery in the glow of the streetlamps. “You’re really good at fucking things up, Alfie.”

“Yeah. But I want to make it right.”

“You’re really good at that too. Except I’m not sure it’s enough this time.”

“Fuck. Fen—”

“No, listen to me.” The words were quiet, but they were blades.

He fell silent at once. Waited.

“Okay.” Fen drew in a deep, not entirely steady breath. “Look. I appreciate that you came back… I mean, I thought I’d lost you for good. But I still have no idea why you left in the first place. Or what was going through your head.”

Alfie twisted his fingers together like a schoolkid who’d forgotten his homework. “I’m not sure I can explain.”

“Well, you’d better fucking try.” Fen’s calm faltered. Left him frayed and hurt. “You made me think you cared about me and wanted to be with me. But the moment it was possible, you…you ran away.”

“I didn’t want to ruin your life.”

“Because you were only with me out of guilt? Because you don’t love me?”

“I do love you,” Alfie wailed. “I love you so much. But your dad said I was selfish for making you want to stay in South Shields.”

Fen’s eyes went cartoon wide for a moment. “What does Dadaí have to do with anything? Oh my God, if he wasn’t my last living parent, I’d kick his arse.”

“He only wants what’s best for you. Y’know, like me.”

“Well, he’s a fucking hypocrite, and I’ll get onto what you are in a minute.” Fen whirled away from him and paced furiously, his bare feet slapping the pavement, and his kimono trailing behind him.

“Um, aren’t you freezing?”

“No, I’m so cross I’m actually too hot.”

“I’m really sorry,” Alfie tried again.

“Shut up. Now, listen, my fucking father’s grandmother was one of the lucht siúil. Restlessness is in his blood, he claims. When he first met Mum, he was a travelling salesman or something, butbefore that, he did anything that would take him somewhere he hadn’t been.”

“Okay…”

Fen flew at him, landed against Alfie like he wasn’t sure whether he was trying to attack him or hug him. “Don’t you see? He’s lived here for nearly thirty years. Because he fell in love and wanted to stay.”

Alfie wasn’t sure what to say—especially because Fen had a point here—so he settled for “okay” again. And some nodding. As he tried very hard not to clutch pathetically at Fen. Breathe in the scent of flowers from his hair.

---