Page 89 of Why Not Now?

I remember the fight now as well, another memory from that time that had been lost in the haze of grief I couldn’t find my way out of. I’d been so hurt that she’d gone to him and not to me.

Now that we’re here and it’s happening all over again, I can admit, I also feel guilt. Lacey hadn’t believed she could come to me. She apparently still didn’t. What am I doing wrong?

“I’d just figured,” he continues, “as long as one of us helped her, did it really matter which one of us it was? Wouldn’t it be better for Lacey to havetwopeople there for her? Wouldn’t it be better foryouto have someone who can help carry the load?” He sighs. “You never trusted me to help you, though. I want to be able to help you. I want to be there for you. You said last night that you love me, but youstilldon’t trust me to help you.”

“No,youdon’t trust me to take care of things myself,” I counter, remembering more of what I felt during that time. How I’d been sure he was trying to take control of my life and my sister.

Somewhere deep inside, something is confused by that idea, though. Something is telling me I’m wrong. But everything is so raw, I ignore it.

He shakes his head. “I know you can take care of it yourself, Ava. I’m trying to tell you, you don’t have to. It’s the same problem we had before. I want to help you, and you don’t want me to. If you can’t let me in, what are we even doing here?”

He’s right. Whatarewe doing here?

“I think you should go,” I say. “I need—I need you to leave.”

He flinches at the words, as though I’ve physically hit him. They hang in the air between us for a long time, reverberating off the walls. I want to take them back because I’m not completely sure I mean them. But they’re out there now and I need time to figure out why I’m so off balance.

He shoves his hands back into his pants pockets and I can see that he’s clenched them into fists. Finally, he nods. “All right, Ava. I’ll go.”

He walks toward my bedroom, hesitating as he passes me.

“You’re sure this is what you need?” he asks.

“I’m sure.”

He searches my eyes for a long moment, then nods and continues to my room. He gathers his things and leaves out the back door. The quiet click as he closes it behind him sounds so loud in the silence.

I don’t move until the sound of his car driving away fades in the distance. Then I go upstairs to try to talk to Lacey. When she opens her bedroom door, she gives me a cold look.

“You sent him away again, didn’t you?” she asks.

“I—he’s gone, yes.”

She shakes her head, seemingly disgusted with me. “You’re such an idiot.”

“You can’t talk to me that way. You’re grounded until you get that math mark up.”

She huffs. “Fine.”

“That means no gymnastics. No friend’s house. Nothing.”

She rolls her eyes. “Fine.”

“And we’re going to have a talk about a few things.”

“I have nothing I want to say to you, Ava. I’ll stay home. I’ll do some homework and study for math so I can bring my grade up. But I’m not going to talk to you.”

I want to tell her she has to talk to me. That I want to understand where we went wrong, whereIwent wrong. Before I can say anything, she closes her bedroom door in my face, and I’m left completely alone.

Chapter 29

Derek

Idon’tgohome.I consider it, but I don’t need my cat. I need my friends. In the end, I drive downtown, and park at Blue Vista. There’s three hours before we have to be at the venue to get ready for the wedding today. All the setup had been done yesterday afternoon, so we just need to be there before the bride and groom arrive later. I walk the fifteen minutes in the rain to Lis and Spencer’s apartment. I don’t have a hat with me and the only jacket I have, other than my suit jacket, is the rain shell I’ve loaned Ava a few times. I flip the hood up, but raindrops still splatter against my glasses, making it difficult to see.

I let myself into their building with my key and go up to their place, knocking before I unlock the door and step inside.

“Who—” Lis says, poking her head around the corner from the kitchen. “Derek? What are you doing here?”

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