Page 63 of Why Not Now?

Finally, I take the hand he’s holding out and we walk to the front door. When we get inside and up the stairs, Vic sees us first. “It’s about time you got here. We’re supposed to be celebrating your birthday, and you left right before we arrived.”

“Had to pick up Ava from work,” he says, still holding my hand as we join his friends and family in the living room.

I see it as people notice. I find Lacey in the crowd. She has a pleased smile on her face, so maybe she’s okay with it? No one says anything until Derek’s oldest sister Tricia comes out of the kitchen with a small child on her hip, takes one look at me and says, “What’s she doing here? Isn’t this the girl who broke your heart?”

“Trish, stop,” Derek says, tugging me closer. “It’s fine. I’m over it.”

“Wait a minute. What?” I pull away to search his eyes while everyone stares at me. “What does she mean,Ibrokeyourheart? You left me.”

The chatter that had previously filled the room quiets. You could hear a pin drop as Derek and I stare at each other, his look of confusion matching my own.

“Maybe you should go out onto the deck,” Justine says. “Have a conversation.”

Derek nods and pulls me behind him to the back door, closing it when we’re outside. As soon as we’re alone, I say, “What did she mean, Derek? You leftme, remember?”

He lets go of my hand and I feel completely bereft, as though he’d been my anchor, holding me steady, and now I’m adrift without him. He walks to the other side of the deck, turns and leans against the railing, shoving his hands into his pockets.

“I do remember. I left. After you told me to,” he says, gently.

“I didn’t—”

“Don’t.” He cuts me off. “I remember what happened. Do you need me to remind you?”

I cross my arms over my chest. “Maybe you should.”

He takes a deep breath. “You don’t remember what you said? Because I do. I replay it almost every day.Just go, Derek. I don’t need you.That’s what you said. You’d been pushing me away for weeks up to that point, never letting me in, never letting me help you. What exactly was I supposed to do other than leave?”

“I didn’t want you to leave. I just didn’t think you wanted to stay. So I gave you a way out.” I suck in a breath, my voice cracking. “And you took it.”

“I didn’twanta way out. I wanted to be with you.”

I scoff. “Are you saying youweren’tgoing to leave me?”

His hands shoot from his pockets to scrub over his face. “Leave—why would I leave you? Ava, I loved you.”

My heart is in my throat, clogging it, making it ache. Tears claw at the backs of my eyes.

“I had all this responsibility thrust on me. You didn’t need that.”

“Where did you get that idea?” he asks, his hands dropping to his sides again. “What did I do to make you think that?”

Whathadhe done? “You kept telling me what you thought I should do, stay in school, sell the house.”

“Those were suggestions,” he says, clearly exasperated. “Suggestions I fully intended to help you through if you wanted to do any. But if you didn’t, I still would have been there.”

Had he done anything else? Why was I so certain he was going to leave? My memories from that time are so hazy, filled with grief and fear. I’d stumbled around in the haze of those emotions for so long before I was able to pull myself out. When I did, the only thing I knew was that I believed Derek was going to leave, and he had.

I pace toward him, then away again. “All this time. Almost nine years. I thought you left me because you didn’t want to stay.” I wheel back to him. “So, it was just a huge misunderstanding?”

“Sounds like it.” He shrugs. “In our defence, we were kids. Nineteen-year-olds don’t exactly know what they’re doing with their lives or how to communicate. And you’d been dealt some pretty heavy shit.”

I take a step closer to him. He stays where he is, leaning against the railing, watching me approach.

“Why didn’t you ever call me?” I ask quietly. “You never tried to reach out.”

“Neither did you,” he counters. Then he sighs. “You know how I feel about being somewhere I’m not wanted, Ava. My dad—” He cuts off and shakes his head. “Well, you know. I assumed you’d told me to leave because you didn’t want me anymore. You told me directly that you didn’t need me.”

“So what happens now?” I ask.

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