Page 35 of Why Not Now?

At her front door, I give her a hug and send her inside, telling her to go to sleep early and I’ll see her at the wedding tomorrow. I don’t kiss her goodbye, though I want to. That kiss under the mistletoe had only made me want more. I’m still not sure where we stand or how far I want us to go. There were moments tonight when I’d thought she wanted more from me than just taking her out a few times. But what? With all the history between us, a relationship would be unwise. Anything less would be painful.

I spend the night lying in bed, staring at my ceiling, reminding myself of all the reasons it would be stupid to try to get into anything with her. I do things for people without thinking, like when I did Gina’s dishes the other day. I don’t consider it; I just do it. Every time I would do something like that for Ava after her parents died, she told me off. She said it made her feel guilty for not doing it herself. I can’t turn that off, though. If she still feels that way, we’re going to have more problems.

When she told me to leave—when she’d said she didn’t need me—it cut deep. Deeper than it should have. In the time since, I’ve been able to admit to myself that the reason it hurt so much was because it hit on my deepest insecurities. If I’m not useful, if I’m not needed, the people I love are going to leave me, just like my dad did. It’s ridiculous and I should probably seek some help for that insecurity, but there it is.

By the time morning rolls around, I’ve gotten little to no sleep. I stand in my bathroom for a long time, wanting to leave my contacts in their case and wear my glasses, but knowing my friends will all bug me for what’s wrong if I do. I’m not ready to talk yet, so I go for a hot shower and put in my contacts.

I’ve just poured a cup of coffee in the staff lounge at Blue Vista when Spencer comes in.

“How was your night?” he asks.

“No comment.”

He chuckles and pours two cups of coffee, adding a huge amount of sugar and cream to one of them. Lis comes into the lounge a moment later with Cerberus and takes the cup from him with a smile and a kiss.

“Good morning, Derek,” she says. “I hear you took Ava out last night. And you’re still not sleeping with her?”

I look at my friends. “No comment.”

Lis snorts and pats my shoulder. Today’s wedding is another reception-only in the early afternoon. Spencer needs to finish a few details and Lis needs to start cooking, but my job is pretty much done by this point. I’m only hanging around to make sure no one needs anything. I’m about to head back into my office when my phone rings.

Ava’s name flashes across the screen.

“Hey, what’s up?” I say to answer.

She sniffles and I stand, my whole body on alert. She’s been crying.

“Derek. I, um.” Her voice cracks and she sniffles again.

“What’s going on, Ava? What do you need?”

Lis and Spencer turn to me with concerned expressions.

“I drove my car to work this morning,” Ava says. “It was sluggish to start, but it got me there and back. Now, it won’t start at all. I’ve been trying. I need to get to Blue Vista on time. I can’t lose this job, Derek.”

“You won’t. You’re all ready to go?”

“I shouldn’t have called.” She sniffles again. “Even if you leave immediately, it’ll take forever for you to get out here and back. I’ll be late. I can’t afford a taxi or an Uber, and the bus will take forever. I—” Her voice breaks.

“Don’t worry, Ava. I’ll get you here. Grab your gear and wait out front.”

I hang up and quickly place another call.

“Everything okay?” Spencer says.

“Yeah. I’ll have to run out for a bit.”

He nods, but I’m already on my way to my car, listening to the phone ring. When she answers, I say, “Mom, I need you to do me a huge favour.”

After I hang up, I drive to my house. A few minutes later, my mom arrives with Ava and all her equipment. We quickly switch it over to my car, and I give Mom a hug.

“Has he called you again?” she asks quietly before she lets me go.

I nod into her shoulder. “Yesterday.”

She sighs, pulling back. “You should do what your sisters have done and block the number.”

I grimace. “I can’t.”

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