Page 66 of Under Their Protection

“You avoided him all evening rather than speaking up, Anika. That’s where the dream came from. He did somethingunintentionally that reminded you of him and you ignored it but it snuck up on you anyway. You should have talked to him then,” she says softly.

“I just didn’t want to sound like a psycho then or now,” I admit. I hear others come in behind us and I turn away and continue serving the food. Mia helps me take the bowls to the dining room table. Once everyone is situated, I go back to the kitchen to breathe for a moment. I prop my elbows on the counter and rest my face in my hands.

The worst part about that dream was knowing it was the three of them and it was a turn-on. How fucked up is that. I get beat with a belt as a kid for no damn good reason and it’s somehow a turn-on now when I dream about it? Is that why I’m into impact play at all? How is any of this normal? Maybe I’m not competent after all. Maybe I need someone to make decisions for me.

“Are you okay?” Theo asks as he leans against the counter beside me.

“No,” I admit.

“Rowan. Max,” he calls out. They come into the kitchen and see me. Rowan turns me around to face him.

“What’s going on?” Rowan asks.

“It’s that stupid dream,” I say as a tear falls down my cheek.

“Does this have anything to do with you almost panicking over a punishment?” Theo asks.

“Yeah,” I say as I drop my eyes to my feet.

“Tell us about the dream, Nika,” Max says softly.

I explain the dream in detail, and they all listen. No one makes me look up and make eye contact. They just let me talk. I tell them the theory that Mia had and then explained the cologne. “I should have told you guys. I’m sorry,” I sniffle. “I just… “

“What?” Theo asks.

“I just don’t understand why I enjoy impact play with you guys when Dad would hurt me. It makes me feel like I’m fucked up in the head and maybe my parents were right that I’m unstable. It suddenly just feels wrong, but I also want it still,” I explain.

“It is just a way that you cope with it. It is normal to seek control over something you once didn’t have control over,” Theo says. “It’s like how victims of sexual assault sometimes have a forced sex kink. That is just their way of putting themselves in control again. It is normal and healthy. It doesn’t mean you wanted or liked that your dad beat you. It doesn’t mean people who enjoy a forced sex kink are condoning rape. What you enjoy is normal, Anika. There is nothing wrong with you.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you when I originally got triggered,” I sigh.

“It’s okay. I’m sorry that I triggered you,” Theo says as he hugs me.

“It’s okay. Do I get a pass since you triggered me though?” I ask with a sweet smile. All three men laugh at my request.

“Absolutely not,” Theo says, still laughing. “Annie is going on a little getaway trip with Andrew this weekend, so she’s going home to meet him. Emma and Mia are going to see a movie, so it’ll be just us. Let’s go eat and then we can talk about it, okay?”

“Okay,” Isigh.

We all go to the dining room and sit to eat. Mia smiles at me, knowing I finally told them. We talk about Annie’s trip to the beach with her boyfriend. From what everyone says, Andrew is a great guy. Annie is a switch and Andrew is also, so it works perfectly for their dynamic.

When I think about the dynamic that I have, it’s like good cop bad cop. Max is the bad cop who is firmer with his expectations whereas Rowan is not nearly as firm. If I can persuade either of them, it’s Rowan.

I think I have a dilemma because I have found myself becoming attached to Theo. I’m sure it has to do with the fact that he is my psychiatrist. Who am I kidding? It’s because he fucks like a savage monster but is also kind and compassionate. I know I should say something before I end up getting hurt emotionally, but I also don’t want to ruin the friendships that everyone is building. What am I supposed to say, “I know you are just my psychiatrist who also seems to enjoy fucking me, but I think I have feelings for you, my boyfriend,andmy husband.” Maybe I just over-attach to people who show me any sort of affection because I wasn’t shown any as a kid. Maybe it’s just all in my head and none of them likeme; they just like the sex.

“You’ve been washing the same pot for five minutes, Anika,” Theo says from behind me, and I jump.

“Shit. Sorry, I didn’t know anyone was in here,” I say as I set the pot in the sink. The girls left about twenty minutes ago. We are supposed to leave to go to The Cherry as soon as we cleaned up the kitchen, but I wouldn’t let anyone help me.

“Are you okay?” Theo asks as he places his hands on either side of me. My breath hitches for a moment, but I recover and continue washing bowls.

“Just thinking about the dream,” I lie.

“I see,” he says. “What about it?”

“Just processing it still I guess,” I say as I go to move over to the other sink to rinse the bowls. Theo grabs my waist and holds me in place instead,

“Are you lying to me?” he asks.

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