Page 46 of Under Their Protection

“Mom, stop. You’re going to make her pass out,” Rowan says as he pulls me from his Mom and wraps his armaround my waist.

“What? She’ll make a wonderful mother,” Maria says as she turns to stack tamales on a plate. I am off in another world until she mentions me being a good mother. Everyone is talking, but I can’t hear them.

“No, I won’t,” I say quietly. Everyone turns and looks at me. “I wouldn’t be a good mother.”

“Nika,” Max says. “You would make an amazing mother.”

“How? Not like I was ever given a good example of one.”

“Neither was I, but I think I did decently well,” Maria says as she continues to stack tamales onto a plate. “The ones who worry the most make the greatest parents. It shows that you’d do anything for your kid. Bad parents call themselves good parents, but good parents often think they’re bad parents.”

“That’s comforting,” I say.

“I hope it’s a girl,” Mia chimes in.

“For Anika’s sake, I hope it is too,” Maria laughs.

“How come?” I ask.

“You don’t want a mini version of either of them. I promise,” Maria says and Emma laughs.

“She’s right. They were little shits together as kids,” Emma says.

“Mhmm. Enough pregnancy talk. I could be wrong. Let’s eat!” Maria says as she hands Rowan two plates that are overflowing with Tamales. “Take this outside to the back deck, please. Max, grab some plates. Me and Anika will bring out everything else.”

“Mom,” Rowan sighs at her.

“Hush and let me talk to my daughter-in-law without you two lurking.”

“Alright,” he says before kissing me and walking off with the food. Max grabs plates and kisses me before going outside with Mia and Emma in tow.

“How are you doing, sweetie?” Maria asks me.

“Uh, honestly? I don’t know. I apparently have PTSD from my childhood. I don’t know how to process that,” I say.

“Rowan told me about how your dad assaulted you,” she says.

“Attempted, but yes.”

“What did he do?” she asks me.

“Uh… There was lots of touching. He mostly just touched me but he did force me to… basically just everything but actual sex,” I say.

“It may be attempted rape, but it's still sexual assault, Anika,” she says softly. “Did Rowan ever tell you about who his father is?”

“No. All he’s said is that you raised him and his dad is white,” I say. She turns to face me, and I hear everyone at the sliding glass door behind me.

“I was taken away from my parents at twelve because they beat me into a four-day-long coma. I was sent here to be in foster care. When I was sixteen, an older boy I went to school with raped me and I got pregnant with Rowan. The foster family I was living with was this sweet, older Mexican couple. They let me stay with them when I had him and helped me survive. They didn’t have much, but they still cared. I was so concerned that somehowRowan would end up like his father. They told me that the only thing I could do was love him as much as I could and be kind to myself.

“Rowan met Max when he started school and I watched them grow into the kindest people I’ve ever known. Together they were a nightmare on my fridge but they never hurt anyone. Rowan never turned into his father. I was so worried about being a bad mother when all I needed to do was just love him the way I wish someone had loved me. Anika, when you have children, all you need to do is love them and do your best. You have so many people around you that will help you love them.”

I have tears gently rolling down my face that she wipes away before hugging me tightly. “I’m sorry you went through that,” I say.

“I’m not. If it hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t have Rowan. Just like without your parents being pieces of shit, you might not have started that internship. You may have gone a completely different route in life. We can be mad for our younger self but we can’t go back and save her the pain. Just keep pushing forward and do whatever you have to do to be happy.”

“You did a good job raising Rowan,” I smile.

“He’s okay,” she laughs. “But he’s yours to raise now.” I laugh with her and Rowan comes over and hugs both of us.

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