Page 36 of Almost

I can’t sleep, and trying not to wake Eric up is only making me more restless. His steady breathing hasn’t changed, but if I keep tossing and turning, it will. He’ll ask what has mymind moving a thousand miles an hour, and that’s not a conversation I want to have.

Lifting the covers slowly, I slip out of the bed just as a loud crash of thunder shakes the window panes. I hold my breath, looking to see if Eric has stirred, but he’s still sleeping like the dead. I’d feel awful waking him up, despite Eric previously asking me to wake him up so I’m not by myself. Except I think a part of me likes being alone in the middle of the night.

It gives me time to think. Most of the time, thinking isn’t the best thing for me, but I think tonight, I could use it.

I make my escape to the living room, spotting my bag on the couch. I pull my computer out, deciding to take a trip down memory lane to my time at Duke. Maybe it can help me clear the tangled jumble of thoughts in my mind.

It didn’t seem like it at the time, but life was so much simpler then. I took it for granted.

It’s ironic because it’s exactly what I used to say about my time in France, but running away from my problems isn’t the answer. It would be nice to think I’ve outgrown it, but honestly, I’m itching to go somewhere, anywhere but Charlotte, North Carolina.

Running is unfortunately a temporary solution to a permanent problem.

I pull my hair up so it’s off my neck, but the length makes it harder to do that. I can’t pull it entirely out of my face, which is annoying, and something I didn’t consider when I chopped it. The short hair was a change I needed to mix things up in my life. Eventually, I’ll mix things up enough something will stick.

Lightning flashes through the windows in Eric’s apartment, illuminating the simplicity of it. The furniture ismodern and minimal. There’s a bookshelf in the corner with books and pictures of his family on it. I immediately recognize the framed photo from when Duke won the national football championship. Even now, everything in my life ties back to Sebastian Walker.

Eric’s life is simple.

Mine is complicated.

I have bits and pieces of myself scattered all over the world. I can’t fit myself into a box, nor do I think I want to. I’ve seen and experienced so much culture that I can’t imagine doing anything different in my life.

Except Sebastian.

I think I’d do things differently with him, if I could go back.

I linger on the photos from my graduation ceremony. For once, I’m in front of the camera instead of behind it. I still think I look ridiculous in my cap—back then I was convinced there wasn’t a good reason for them, because everyone looked terrible in them. I still think that, but whatever. It’s a stupid hat.

Blake had to help me pin it to my head since it wouldn’t stay on any other way. By the time these pictures were taken, I’d gotten fed up with it, and Sebastian had to stop me from throwing it into the trash can.

Sebastian’s arms are wrapped around me in this one, and his lips are curled upward into a soft smile. He’s not looking at the camera, but at me. He looks at ease, and I’m laughing as I hold the beautiful bouquet of flowers that he’d gotten me. This picture is a reminder of why I don’t like to photograph people. Pictures capture people for who they are, and the only thing I see in this photo is how in love we were.

It was taken a month before he proposed, and I froze.

I miss us, and how happy he made me.

I miss not fighting with him every single time I’m in the room with him.

But most of all…I miss Sebastian.

I think I’d give anything to have him look at me now the way he’s looking at me in this photo again.

Another flash of lightning is followed by a loud roll of thunder, and I nearly jump out of my skin. “Shit,” I swear, resting a hand on my chest to calm the rapid beating of my heart. I walk to the window, the wild storm outside matching the one in my head.

I didn’t realize it was supposed to be this bad tonight. I hope Penelope’s okay at the house. She doesn’t like storms. But…maybe her new friend is there to comfort her. For as much as she enjoys talking about my sex life, she’s quite tight-lipped about her own these days.

Returning to the computer, my chest hurts at the sight of the picture again and the memory attached to it.

~

“Can we please just go? It’s just graduation, and I miss our dog.” I’m tired of being around people, and I’d prefer puppy snuggles than being packed into the stadium like a sardine. I groan, causing Sebastian to chuckle, leaning down to kiss the corner of my mouth. It’s infuriating how easy it is for him to make me smile.

“No. We still have to take pictures to memorialize this achievement. Enjoy today, love. You only graduate from college once,” he says, his dark eyes crinkling as he smiles.

Bash looks nice in his polo and khakis, resembling the prep school kid he was a few years ago, except now he’s is built like a man. He’s always been muscular, but whatever diet and workoutplan his coaches have him on is awesome. I’m 100 percent enjoying reaping the benefits.

I roll my eyes because I’d much rather take this costume off and go home. “Or I could be like Chris and get my master’s.”

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