I would rather die that suffer that.
But - I am a mother - and that means my responsibility and every choice I make is for my son. I need to find my strength - for the sake of that little baby.
The relief of tension from the hot shower only lasts as long as the water flows. As soon as I switch it off - it’s gone, and the anxiety is back.
I drag myself to bed, dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt, I climb beneath the covers and stare at the ceiling, alone in the dark and thinking about everything that might happen from here on out.
Nico just left. He didn’t reassure me or tell me he would help me. He’s angry, and he has a right to be - so I can’t expect him to help me this time.
I have to make my own choices - for my baby and for myself.
Tossing and turning, heavy with exhaustion and stress, the hours roll by and my restlessness only gets worse and worse.
When my phone chimes in the very small hours of the night I am almost willing to ignore it. Not wanting to see who it is or what they have to say.
There is already too much on my mind and I don’t need more stress.
But the stress of not knowing becomes worse than ignoring it, I reach out and pick up my phone.
Nico: We are going to talk about this tomorrow.
That’s all he says.
Nothing good. Nothing gentle or caring or reassuring.
Just that.
And it causes my anxiety to triple.
I have no idea what to expect from him, but from that message I can already tell it will not be good.
So, fine, he isn’t going to be there for me - or his son.
I’ve been taking care of myself for a year. I can keep doing it. I can make my own decisions and stay strong because I have no other choice.
Chapter 14
Nico
My penthouse has the most incredible views across the City of New York - but that’s not where my eyes are right now. I hardly notice anything going on around me because I am so lost inside my mind.
I haven’t even looked out the windows or past the city lights since I got home. I’m pacing. Thinking. Planning. Trying to figure out and process everything.
It’s been a year. Over a year. She has kept that secret from me for so long.
I feel betrayed, confused, angry and happy all at the same time.
I hadn’t even considered becoming a father yet. The thought wasn’t on my mind. I didn’t have plans for a child - not any time soon.
One day - sure - but I have so much I wanted to achieve first. My business is just building up from being something good to being something great. My family name is gaining traction and respect in the underworld and I am growing strength by strength against my enemies - gathering allies and becoming someone worthy of incredible things.
Someone powerful.
How do I suddenly change from being that man - to being a father?
What is going to happen?
Why did she keep this from me?