If only I was not a slave to this relentless beast that devours my thoughts and actions.

Do better, Nyree. Fight.

I hear the knock on my door, and I jolt slightly, my heart skipping a beat, sending a rush of surprise through me. I move from the bin toward the door, preparing to face the unexpected visitor.

Recently, I haven’t been getting a lot of visitors. I wrack my brain in confusion, still I conclude that I have made no orders to my apartment today. I take a deep breath as I open the door.

“Oh, of course.” The mumble leaves my mouth as I take in my best friend, Coco, standing there with a beaming smile.

“Surprise! I was in the area, so I stopped by!” She tosses her hands in the air with a giggle, two bags of what looks like groceries in her hands.

My eyes narrow at the brown bags in her hands for a couple more seconds before returning to her. I can't quite manage to smile, but that's okay; Coco understands me like no one else.

"Hey, Coco," I greet softly before retreating inside.

Her smile falters as she follows me in, calling out, “I brought you a couple days' worth of food. I wasn’t sure if you’d be eating properly, given all you have to do.”

I know she would; but even as much as I know, I still watch her. Coco takes off her shoes by the door and grabs the hand sanitizer I keep on the nearby shelf to disinfect her hands before she comes towards me. It’s one of my many quirks… being too conscious of outside germs not being brought into my space.

Coco always goes the extra mile to accommodate my unusual tendencies, and I'm grateful for her thoughtfulness.

"Thank you for being so considerate," I say. I feel an extra wave of gratitude for just her existence. "It means a lot to me."

She nods, her eyes reflecting understanding and warmth. "Of course, Ny baby. I'm here for you, no matter what." She hesitates and tilts her head to the side. “Now, are you okay?” Her brows arch together as she regards the state of me.

“What?” I subconsciously look down at myself.

I think I look presentable enough, do I not? I always have to.

I'm wearing a cozy, oversized, tie-dye sweatshirt that drapes comfortably over my voluptuous curves, giving me the sense of ease I’m desperately in need of. Paired with soft, stretchy leggings that hug my thick thighs, my feet are snug in fluffy socks.

Coco purses her lips as she stares at me a moment longer. Then she sighs, “You only wear sweatshirts like that when you’re… spiraling, Ny.”

Oh, that.

She is right, of course she is right. That doesn’t mean I am glad for it. I scoff and walk over to take my seat at my desk.

“Maybe I just like the feel of the material? Does everything have to be such a big deal?”

From the corner of my eye, I see my friend’s full lips lift in a smile. “With you? Yes?”

I snap my head in her direction, feeling a self-righteous defense settling over me. Yet, in the face of her ever-warm smile reaching those stark blue eyes of hers, I pull my eyes away in defeat.

“Not to mention those painfully fluffy socks. It’s basically a giant call for help at this point.” I frown as she speaks up again.

“Okay, you can stop micromanaging me now.”

Her brown locks bounce as a light chuckle escapes her lips. I can tell she’s worried, despite the obvious intention to mask it for my sake. She pulls the stool to sit next to me, keeping a decent space away from my desk, as always.

As she continues to speak, her skin is slightly flushed in concentration. I know her just as well as she does me. She’d likely been stressing over what to do about me for a while. I feel guilty that I would present her a cause to worry at all.

“Girl, please. That empty stare of yours gives me war flashbacks, and you know it. Talk to me, Ny.”

I'm pulled out of my thoughts once again as I hear my friend’s pleas for a response. Slowly blinking at her, my heart sinks even further, noting the fixed worried expression on her face.

Managing a smile, I try to assure her, “Oh, yeah, I’m totally fine. Just… I really have to work, you know. I wasn’t expecting to have you here today, so-”

"Nyree, come on. Don't give me that."