Page 74 of Pucking Only

“Yeah,” I say, taking a step closer, “but I realized something. Something I should have seen a long time ago, and I couldn’t wait any longer to tell you.” My heart races even faster, but I press on. “All these years, Skyler, it’s always been you. I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember.”

Her eyes widen and her lips part in shock. Before she can say anything, I keep going, needing her to understand, to believe me. “I never wanted to admit it, not even to myself, but every time I tried to be with someone else, it never worked. Now I know why. It’s because none of them were you. It’s always only been you, Star. That’s why I could never be interested in anyone else for long.”

She stares at me, those big brown eyes wide behind her glasses. She’s clutching the strap of her satchel in both handsand her shoulders are tense. I can’t help but think of a startled deer just on the verge of bolting.

The noise of the street around us seems to fade as I focus entirely on her. The air is warm, but I feel a cold sweat forming on the back of my neck. Her expression is a mix between shock and caution, her lips pressed together in a tight line, and the longer she doesn’t say anything, the more the city seems to close in on me. Cars whiz by behind us, people rush past, oblivious, but I can’t focus on anything except the silence between us.

I’ve blown it.

The thought gnaws at me as the seconds drag on. Her lips are slightly parted, like she’s about to say something, but she doesn’t. My chest tightens.Maybe it’s too late.

“You don’t love me, Carson,” she says, shaking her head. Her voice is trembling, and I can tell she’s fighting to keep it steady. “You don’t even like me.”

Her words hit me like a cold slap to the face, but I don’t flinch. I can’t back down now. Not when I’m finally being honest with her — and with myself. I step closer, not caring that we’re standing on a crowded sidewalk with people passing by, oblivious to the intensity of this moment.

“Skyler, I do,” I say, my voice firm, but not harsh. “I do love you. And I do like you. I’ve always liked you, even when I was too stupid to realize it. Every time I’ve teased you over the years, it was because I wanted you, but felt like I couldn't have you. When I said I wanted to keep things between us casual, it was because deep down, I was afraid of being with the person I've always loved, and wasn't ready to admit I loved.”

She looks away, biting her lip, as if she’s holding back one of her typical sarcastic remarks. The fact that she’s not just letting me have it right now is making me anxious. I can’t let her slip away, not now. I need her to hear me and understand.

“How am I supposed to believe that?” she asks in a small voice. “The way you acted the last night I was in Denver… you were so cold, like everything that happened between us didn’t matter. And then at your parents’ party, you were with Elizabeth — ”

“I’m sorry about Denver,” I tell her. “I know I handled that night badly. I was confused and panicked, and I didn’t know how to let you go. I didn’t want to let you go. And what you saw with Elizabeth… it was nothing, I swear. I know what you thought it was because Grace told me, or, I guess reminded me of what I said to you when we were fifteen, but I have no interest in Elizabeth whatsoever. My younger self was an idiot for telling you that.” My heart’s pounding, and I can feel the desperation creeping into my voice. “Skyler, at the party, Elizabeth was the last person I wanted to see. She just came up to me out of nowhere, draped herself on me, and I was caught off-guard. I was actively trying to get her off of me.” I take a deep breath, pushing through the knot in my throat. “The whole time she was talking to me, all I could think about was you. I didn’t want to be anywhere near her — I just wanted to find you, to see you at the party. To be with you. But then, when you walked in and saw us like that, I felt like the ground had been ripped out from under me.”

I’m stumbling over my words, but I need her to understand. To know that nothing about Elizabeth matters —nothing. It’s always been Skyler.

There’s doubt in her eyes. She’s holding back, afraid to let herself believe what I’m saying, and I get it. I know she’s been hurt, and she’s built walls around herself because of what I did to her, which explains why I’ve never really known how to break through them. I have to keep trying, though. I’m pouring everything I have into this moment because I can’t lose her again.

“Skyler, I’ve been a fool for too long,” I admit, my voice dropping to almost a whisper. “I’ve been blind to what’s been right in front of me, but my eyes are wide open now. You’re the only one I’ve ever truly wanted. The only one who’s ever mattered.”

Taking another step closer, I keep my eyes locked on hers, and I see a flicker of something — hope, maybe? — but it’s buried deep under layers of doubt. I have to keep going. I have to make her see.

“I can’t imagine my life without you, Skyler. I know I’ve messed up. I know I’ve given you every reason to doubt me, but I swear, I’ll do whatever it takes to show you that you can trust me. That I’m serious about this. About us. About you.”

Tears are welling up in her eyes, and it breaks my heart to know I’ve caused her this much pain. I also see that she’s listening, really listening, and that gives me the strength to keep pushing.

“Skyler, I’m not just saying this because I’m scared of losing you — though I am, more than I’ve ever been scared of anything. I’m saying it because it’s the truth. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else, and I don’t want to. It’s only you. It’s always been you.”

Her lips tremble, and for a moment, I think she’s going to pull away, but then she takes a deep breath, her eyes searching mine as if she’s trying to find something, anything, that will tell her I’m lying. I’m not. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so sincere in my entire life.

“Skyler,” I say, taking her hands in mine. She’s shivering in the California heat. “I love you because you challenge me. You always have. You push me to be better, to think harder, and to not take the easy way out. I love the way your mind works, how passionate you are about the things you care about. I love how you never back down, even when the oddsare stacked against you.” I pause, taking a deep breath, trying to put everything I’m feeling into words. “And I love the way you laugh, the way your eyes light up when you’re excited about something. I love how you can be so tough and so vulnerable at the same time. I love how, no matter what, you always stand up for what you believe. You are also so unbelievably beautiful and sexy that I can’t control my dick when I’m around you. No woman has ever had that effect on me before.”

Her lips part slightly, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. All I want to do now is hold her and make sure she never sheds another tear again, but I will myself to keep going.

“You’ve always been the one for me, Skyler. And I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry it took me so long to get my head to realize what my heart has always known. You're it for me, Star.”

A tear finally escapes and trails down her cheek, and she looks away again, taking off her glasses to quickly wipe her eyes before putting them back on. I gently cup her face, guiding her to meet my gaze. My heart clenches at the sight. I’ve never seen her like this, so vulnerable and so raw. I reach down and squeeze her hands, even though I want to wrap my arms around her and hold her tight against me. I don’t. Not yet. I need to give her a moment to process everything I’ve said.

More tears form in her eyes and Skyler whispers, "Fuck you, Carson. You're ruining our whole dynamic."

My heart stops. Shit. After following her to California, thinking about nothing but her all this time, I'm terrified. After everything, after Colorado, I don’t want a life without her in it anymore. The thought of going back to my empty apartment makes me feel even more empty inside.

Then, just as I'm starting to let go of her hands, her lipcurls into a smile, and she says, "But I love you too, you asshole."

The moment those words leave her lips, it’s like the world stops spinning. My heart slams against my chest, and for a second, I’m not sure I’ve heard her right. She’s smiling up at me, her eyes still wet with tears, and I know it’s real. She really said it.

Cupping her cheek, I grin and ask, “Really? You love me?”

Smiling, she rolls her eyes and says, “Yes, really.”

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