Page 54 of Fundamentals in Flirting

“Yeah, about that.” Teddy’s embarrassment seemed to have magnified. “You see, I accidentally locked myself out of the house, so I opened the coal chute to see if I could get in that way when Aphrodite jumped in. I thought I could get out through the cellar door into the main house but it’s jammed, so I can’t open it from this side.”

“So you’re stuck?”

“Yes.”

“Can you not just climb back out the way you went in?”

“No, I’ve tried and it’s not happening. There are no hand holes or ledges, so I can’t get any purchase. I’m definitely stuck.”

“Rescuing you is becoming a habit, Ted.” Incoherent grumbling came back at me from the darkness. “How did you even fit down there in the first place?”

“It was pretty tight.”

We both contemplated the situation at hand from our varying viewpoints while the stifling silence and mustiness of the coal cellar wafted up to me from the bottom of the chute.

“Shall I call Henry?”

“No!” he shouted, sounding almost desperate.

“So what do you propose to do, Ted?”

“I have a plan.”

I was distinctly aware that I would not like this plan. Call it a gut feeling, if you like, but somehow I knew it was going to involve a significant amount of effort and discomfort on my part.

“And that is?”

“You need to come down the chute and join me in the cellar.”

“No.”

Teddy carried on as if he hadn’t heard me. “I took up some floorboards in the dining room to fix a leaky radiator pipe yesterday and I’ve found the hole from down here. It’s just big enough between the joists that I think you could squeeze through.”

“It’s still a no. Has no one got a spare key?”

“No, they don’t.”

“That’s a mistake you should rectify.”

“Yes, thank you for that pearl of wisdom, Dr Havens. I’ll be sure to do that once I’m out of this fucking cellar.” I could hear him moving about below me and then his face came back into view. “Right. This is how it will work: I’ll lift you up so you can climb through the gap in the floorboards and that will get you into the house. Then you go to the cellar door, un-jam it, and let me out.” He paused theatrically. “Ta da! I’m a genius.”

“All the actual no’s, Ted.” There wasn’t a single part of this plan I liked – mostly because I’m really quite claustrophobic and the thought of being in the tight confines of the coal chute was making my palms sweat already.

“You kind of have to, Hannah, or else I’ll wither away to a stinking corpse in here and then come and haunt you for eternity.”

“That’s a plan I can get on board with.”

“Please?” He paused. “There’s a homemade lasagne in the Aga that I’m willing to share.”

“You can’t buy me with food.” I mean, he probably could, actually, because I could already feel my resolve slipping, and he seemed to have picked up on the fact that I’m always really hungry.

“I have Viennetta too, and it’s the mint one.”

Dammit.

“All right. Fine.”

Looking at the point of entry to the cellar, I contemplated how I was going to manage this. Head first? Or feet first? My heart was already thumping along in abject terror at immersing myself into the dark, bottomless hole. My throat closed at the thought of being stuck in there forever, the walls closing in like a vice. And my brain began to fog up with panic.

---