Page 31 of Fundamentals in Flirting

“I believe so,” Agnes countered quietly.

“Has she been checked by?—”

Teddy cut me off, using his arm around my shoulder to turn me slightly to face him. The action drew me even closer, causing my hip bone to bump against him and my breasts to be mashed against his torso. My brain was sending urgent messages to all extremities to execute an action plan to extricate myself from this grip, but my body would not comply. Instead, heat started to course through me because his lips brushed my hair and he whispered, “Be nice,” before kissing me gently on the temple.

All hope was lost. With that smooth manoeuvre, my body was now stubbornly Velcroed to his. My brain a puddle of goo, sloshing about in my cranium. Where was my inner ice queen in my hour of need? It had probably melted or was hanging out on a beach somewhere with a margarita after just one of Teddy’s scorching looks, dammit.

Agnes sighed and looked a bit moony-eyed as she watched us. I felt like I was about to pass out from the overt charm that Teddy was exuding, engulfed by his citrus smell and potent pheromones, which really should come with some kind of health warning. Even at school Teddy had been a hugely affectionate person with his friends. There’d always been manly hugs with the rugby team and handholding and kisses on the cheeks with girls. He’d never shied away from physical touch, and others had always readily initiated or reciprocated this with him. Teddy was tactile with other people, and comfortably so. I, generally, was not. And yet, right here, at this moment, my nervous system was alight with how absolutely perfect this felt.

“Right,” I croaked, finally (reluctantly) pushing out of his embrace. I stepped towards the goat, gulping in some air to try and right the oxygen imbalance that was clearly addling my mind. “Perhaps we should sort this gate then.”

Teddy looked amused, clearly picking up on my discomfort at the intimate moment that had just passed between us, while Agnes lured Deidre away from the broken end of the pen with the bucket.

“I think this calls for power tools,” Teddy said as he picked up the bits of gate, inordinately excited to be contemplating using a battery-operated drill. “I’ll be right back.”

Left alone with Agnes, who was studying me intently while Deidre wolfed down the pellets in the bucket, another awkward silence began.

“We’re not married,” I blurted out after a beat.

Where did that come from?

“Ok.”

“We’re not even a couple.”

There, disastrous mistake averted. Phew.

“If you say so, dear.”

“We’re not.” Honestly, why would she even think that?

“There’s no judgement from me if you’re not married. Marriage can be overrated anyway. Just keep on doing your own thing. Ignore what anyone else says. I always have.”

“But—”

“Friends with benefits – that’s what you young people do, isn’t it? Sounds delightful to me.”

“Yeah, we’re not really friends either, with or without benefits,” I muttered, horrified.

“Well, he’s clearly totally besotted with you, so my advice is to just enjoy it, whatever you want to call it.”

How could I explain this?He’s an old adversary from school who’s trying to teach me how to be nice to people because I’m a grumpy cow and might lose my job, didn’t seem the right thing to say either. So I elected to keep quiet.

Turning her attention away from me, Agnes fondly watched her goat, rubbing the animal’s ears while she ate. She seemed comfortable to remain silent. but my mind was now screeching with embarrassment, desperately trying to come up with something (not prickly) to say, something other than:You’re very old,orHave you had that goat checked by a veterinary professional?, which were the only two thoughts pinging around in my head. Even I knew that neither of those was appropriate or friendly conversation starters.

Why is this so bloody hard?

Eventually, Teddy came back after what felt like four years of self-flagellating penitence in a Cistercian monastery, his cheery personality filling the thought vacuum I had created and making me sag with relief. He gave me a strange look – eyebrow cocked – and mouthed silently, “Are you ok?”

I nodded and eagerly jumped over the gate, spreading my arms wide and saying in a falsely bright tone, “How do you want me?”

Teddy choked slightly, before quickly regaining his composure and winking. “I want you everywhere, all the time. You know that, snuggle bun. But perhaps we should save those shenanigans for later, when we’realone.”

Agnes cackled and slapped her thigh, her eyes glittering, and Teddy beamed mischievously at her and then back at me.

Meanwhile, all thoughts had shrivelled to raisins inside my head, and my skin had reddened so that I now resembled a giant illuminated cherry-tomato of embarrassment.

“You know what I meant, Ted.”

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