Page 19 of Fundamentals in Flirting

Moments later, Bob appeared with a large roll of blue paper towel from the kitchen and another bottle of wine, much to my father’s unrestrained delight. He started to mop up in earnest just as my phone began to vibrate on the table, an unknown number coming through on the screen.

“I should take this.”

“Really? Can’t you let it go to voicemail?” my mother asked, so irritated it was rippling off her body like an army of poisonous ants.

“No, I absolutely cannot,” I said, swiping to accept. “Hello, Chipping-on-the-Water Vets, Hannah speaking.”

“All right there, Haaaannaaaah, it’s Farmer MacDonald here and I have a right poorly cow,” Teddy’s voice came through the speaker into my ear, his attempt at a West Country accent the worst I’d ever heard. The way he was elongating the vowels of my name to fairly epic proportions made him sound more like a deranged pirate then any farmer I’d ever met, and it took all my willpower not to burst out laughing.

“Mr MacDonald, what seems to be the matter with your cow?”

“Oh, erm…” Teddy seemed flummoxed for a moment. “He’s got a verra poorly leg?”

“Is it an emergency?”

“Yes! Definitely an emergency. He can’t walk on it, my lover,” he replied in a strangled voice, trying not to laugh. I could hear his voice echo from the toilet cubicle he was in and sincerely hoped that he was the only one in there. I snorted and tried to cover this with a cough as I heard Teddy continuing to snigger down the line.

“I see. Is she weight-bearing, Mr MacDonald?”

“Yes! I mean no, I don’t think so.”

“Is she down?”

“Down?”

“Unable to get up?”

“Oh! Yes, definitely not able to get up.”

“Ooh, that does sound worrying. Do you need me to come and take a look?”

I glanced up and the whole party on our table had gone quiet, even Bob who was still mopping the spillage up had slowed his actions and was watching, everybody clearly listening to my side of the conversation with a mixture of expressions. Henry and Clara seemed fascinated, Jim impressed, and Fiona a bit misty-eyed, if I was honest. Probably best not to dwell on that. My dad looked proud, and was mouthing “She’s a vet,” to anyone who’d look at him. My mother’s face was pinched and angry. No real change there then.

“That’d be grand if you would,” Teddy’s accent had slipped a little further north, to the Yorkshire Dales, if I wasn’t mistaken.

“Ok, I’ll see you in about half an hour then,” I replied.

“That you will. I cannae wait.” Old MacDonald’s native Scottish ancestry was now shining through. Badly.

I hung up the phone and cleared my throat. “I’m so sorry. It’s an emergency call-out to a cow with an injured leg. I really have to go.”

At that moment, Teddy sauntered back in, trying to act nonchalant, but his grin was something to behold.

Bloody hell, Teddy, play it cool or you’ll give the game away, I urged him silently.

Henry was looking at us both suspiciously, and gave Teddy a pointed eyebrow lift, which he dutifully ignored as he slid into the seat beside me.

“I’m so sorry, Teddy, but I’m going to have to go. I’ve been called out to a verra poorly cow,” I murmured into my glass as I took a sip of lemonade.

“Have you indeed?” he replied, sounding overly surprised and really hamming up his part.

“Yes, I’m so sorry to cancel dinner.” I couldn’t look him in the eye now because I knew I’d start laughing. The giggles were already starting to bubble in my chest, and I could feel them threatening to spill over, my face hurting from the effort of not smiling. This was a jubilant feeling, carefree and uplifting, so that a lightness seemed to seep into my soul, something I couldn’t remember feeling for a very long time.

“Right, well, we should go then. Best not to keep this poorly bovine waiting.” Teddy quickly finished his pint and made to get up as well.

“But surely Hannah doesn’t need your help with this cow with the broken leg, does she, Ted?” Henry asked, scepticism in his voice. “You almost fainted at a cat with an infection so I’m not entirely sure you’d be any actual use in this case, would you?”

Teddy glowered at Henry but didn’t sit back down. I got to my feet, grabbing my jacket from the back of my chair. “I drove so I should probably drop you home on the way.”

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