Page 57 of You Can't Hurt Me

She sighs. “Obviously, Nate has a lot to hide. He has kept secrets and built a wall around them. I can see it on your face, you know this too, deep down. But you’re trying to convince yourself otherwise, that he’s a good guy worth believing in.”

She looks at me kindly and I can’t help recoiling. In her eyes I am a naive fool to be pitied, another female acolyte.

“You know, when I first met Nate, I was so hopeful,” she says. “So relieved for Eva’s sake. At last, someone who truly understood her! He genuinely wanted to help her and his diagnosis was huge for us. Looking back, it was obvious something was seriously wrong but we didn’t know what help or resources to seek. Nate helped us understand why Eva was different, how to support her. At first all he cared about was her, until his career really took off. Somehow everything changed, something was lost.”

“In what way?”

“The whole race to find a cure for pain, he got swallowed up by it, obsessed with his ambitions.”

“Wanting to help rid the world of pain is hardly such a selfish ambition, is it?”

“Without Eva there would have been no more research. No profile. No recognition. She gave all that to him. But he took so much from her. She felt used, at times.” She shakes her head quickly, her eyes shining. “I can’t help thinking he’s created a lot more pain than he claimed to cure. Now he’s taking from her again, profiting with this memoir.”

I shift uneasily. “That’s not the whole story. It can’t be. He genuinely wants everyone to benefit from his work, it’s his vocation.”

“Come on, Anna. What was the real reason you came to see me?” Her gaze is expectant, unblinking.

“I wanted more background, I guess...”

“Sure you did.”

“Nate told me Eva was having an affair,” I blurted, waiting to see how it lands. She doesn’t seem to register any surprise. Did Eva confide in her? “Obviously we’re not putting any of it in the book but...did you know?”

She presses her lips closed in a slim firm line, as if she’s torn between speaking or keeping her counsel. She finally lets out a small sigh. “Yes, that’s what she had alluded to with me too.”

I can hear the relief of disclosure. She wants to let me know. She wants to tell someone. I can see it in her eyes, hooking into mine, direct and clear.

“Did Eva say any more about it?”

“A few months before she died, she told me she’d met someone. Nothing had happened but...the word she used wasunprofessional. I assume it was via her or Nate’s work. I mean, the way she got together with Nate himself wasn’t exactly professional, given that she was the focus of his research paper. She said they waited until his PhD was finished but I’m not convinced. Waiting wasn’t exactly her strong point.”

More or less professional, I wonder, than his advances toward me? Nate and Eva shared that in common, I realize, happily crashing their way through professional boundaries. Maybe both Eva and I are Nate’s victims; he’s toyed with both of us in different ways, manipulating the power imbalance to please himself. What a rich seam of discussion that could have been between the two of us, I can’t help musing.

“What did she actually tell you?”

“She wouldn’t go into detail, but I could see that it troubled her. She knew that it was wrong. Something about it worried her deeply...”

“And you believed her?”

“Yes, I really did. Eva could never really see the point of lying, partly because she never felt guilty enough to cover anything up.” She allows herself a brief smile. “She lived by different rules to most of us. But she could be pragmatic too. Eva knew transgressions could be hugely destructive. Anyway, she only ever talked about it once and it was never clear to me how far it had really progressed. I think, if anything, she tiptoed to the edge with him.”

“Withhim? Are you sure it wasn’ther?”

“Her?”

“Priya.”

“Whatever makes you say that?”

“Something Nate told me, that Eva and Priya were a thing?”

She looks at me blankly, shakes her head.

“Absolutely not. She would have told me.”

“But their trip across Morocco, their...friendship...?” I trail off, knowing how I must sound.

“And that constitutes an affair?” She gives me a withering look. “Really, Nate is spinning you another line, surely you can see that?”

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