Page 83 of Delivered to the Devil

My heart pounds against the narrow walls of my ribcage, and my mind spins as I try to comprehend it. I knew he cared aboutme, maybe even loved me in his own special kind of way, but I also knew loyalty iseverythingin Janos’s world.

Janos risked everything to save me—perhaps even his own life. He did it to give me a chance at freedom—or any life at all.

If Janos hadn’t asked András to get me out, I would have been dead by now.

And fuck, it couldn’t have been easy for Janos to ask András for help.

All the anger that has festered inside me since I woke up in the hospital dies away as the magnitude of what Janos did dawns on me—and not just when he saved me. From the very moment our eyes locked that first night, he tried to ease the pain for me. And he did. He gave me something worth living for—kept the fire burning within me. It was the thought of him that made my hands clutch the rail all those times I wanted to fall into the water.

Another tall wave hits, and this one knocks me over as I didn’t see it coming. The powerful force pulls me under, submerging me into the turbulent sea. I flail against the water as I try to regain my footing, but once my feet touch the sandy bottom, I realize the water has pulled me farther out. Setting off against the bottom, I surge upward. Just as I breach the surface, another wave hits me, throwing me back under and farther away from shore. Panic thrums through my system, thick and blinding. But I do see one thing clearly.I don’t want to die—I need to get back to Janos.

All I can think as I fight against the unyielding water is that I need to tell Janos that I’m not free without him. It doesn’t matter if I die doing it or end up back in Gabor’s clutches; I just need him to know. Determination fuels my strength, and I somehow manage to breach the surface and swim through the current until I can reach the bottom and trudge back to the shore.

My muscles ache from the effort and my entire body shakes from the cold when I reach the beach, but I don’t collapse in the sand like my body begs me to. I go straight for my purse and take out my phone. I curse as the screen refuses to react to my wet hands, and when I manage to unlock it, my fingers are so stiff that I hit the wrong buttons several times. Finally, I find the contact I need and hit the call button.

“Rebecca,” András greets with unusual urgency. “How are you? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you.”

He’s been calling me for several days, but I’ve been too emotional to pick up. I know I owe him an apology, but something else takes precedence.

“Can you find Janos?” I’m not even sure he’s still alive. If Gabor found out what he did, he’d surely make him pay. But I need to find out. It’s all that matters.

My heart beats away with anxiousness as András draws out with a long sigh. “Rebecca, you can’t contact him. It’s dangerous, and it’s not good for you. You need to move on.”

Anger surges through my veins anew. I want to yell at him for thinking I’m sick like everyone else does, but that’s not why I’m calling. “Do you know where he is?” I press.

“No. All I have is his first name, and I’m not even sure it’s his real name.”

“But you helped him. You talked to him. You must know something.” My voice becomes shrill, and my teeth chatter so loud he must hear.

“Rebecca, what’s going on? Where are you?”

“It doesn’t matter. Can you help me find him or not?”

Another moment of silence.

“Can you?” I say with frustration.

“No. I’m sorry, but—”

I hang up. I know it’s not okay. This is no way to repay everything he’s done for me. He’s the only person in my life Iwant to keep in it, so I should make an effort, but right now there’s only room for one thing.

I call a cab and quickly gather my things before heading for the road. My hair and clothes are dripping, my hands are blue, and I’m shaking all over. I try to rub some warmth into my arms, but the cold has gnawed its way deep into my bones, and when the cab finally pulls up beside me, I’m so stiff I can barely open the door.

The driver looks shocked and asks if I’m okay repeatedly, suggesting that he take me to the hospital instead of home. I reject him with a frustrated tone every time.No one is getting in the way of me finding Janos.

I haven’t lost my sanity more than I’m capable of realizing that I need a warm shower when I get home. The hot water is blissful and numbs my mind for a while, but the moment I’m out of the stall and under the covers, I take out my laptop.

And thus begins several days of restless searching.

I call more than a hundred people named Janos in Budapest, read anything I can find on Gabor and crime in Budapest, contact the embassy, and even call my old coworker who set me up with the contact, who got me the pepper spray.

Not a single clue appears. It’s like he’s a phantom.

Soon, I have to acknowledge that I can’t find him myself, and neither can the normal authorities. I need someone to help me. Someone who knows this world. So I form a new plan.

I’m not sure if it’s a very realistic one, but I have to try. The first step is to save up a lot of money, so I take more shifts, working up to fifty hours a week, and I stop seeing the therapist to save the money and save my energy for work.

I still talk to András a few times a week, but I don’t mention Janos or my new plan, and he doesn’t mention my strange call inquiring about him. He says I sound good, and I actually do feelbetter. I even manage a little humor and idle chatter about trivial things.

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