Page 33 of The Temporary Roomie: Extended Edition

“I’m sorry—just one second.” He holds up his finger. “Did you say . . . birth guru?”

“Mm-hmm.” That’s all I can manage. If I open my mouth, an eruption of laughter will spill out.

Luckily, Lucy can sense my distress and takes over in a surprisingly heroic way. “Yes, you heard correctly. Thanks togurusofbirth.net, I am now certified to perform Jessie’s spiritual birth.”

Drew smells something fishy and crosses his arms, squinting his eyes. “What is it you’re doing there with your hands?”

“Oh, this,” Lucy says in her Zen voice as she continues to sprinkle me. “This is goddess birth energy. Only the birth guru can fully harness its powers, but I am choosing to bestow it on Jessie.”

“Uh-huh. And what does it do?”

Lucy lifts her nose higher in the air. “By sprinkling it on the top of Jessie’s head, it flows through her entire being and connects with the unborn child, signaling to it that the end of gestation is near.”

Oh, she’s good. That was all completely ad-libbed.Bravo, Lucy. You missed your calling.

Drew’s lips are parted, but he’s looking like he has no idea where to begin. Finally, he takes his hand and runs it over his face. I can’t tell if he’s believing this performance or not.

“And what’s with the red getups? Why are you both wearing those?”

Feeling like I have a good handle on my amusement, I brave a response, putting on my most annoyed expression. “I knew we should have done this while you were gone! Lucy, I told you your brother would be nothing but judgmental.” I sit up, and Lucy assists me. “These are the ritual garments,Andrew.They are meant to strip away anxiety and clothe me in honesty and trust in my body. They will protect me from feeling any pain during labor.”

You know those cartoon characters that, when angry, their heads pop off and spin in a circle with smoke spewing out of their ears? Yeah, that’s not Drew. He looks more Zen than Lucy and I are. In fact, his super calm is sort of freaking me out.

“Protect you from . . .” He breaks off, his expression mystified. His eyes move to Lucy. “And you are now a certified . . .”

“Birth guru,” she finishes for him. “And, yes, I am. I was skeptical when Jessie first told me about it, but after I watched all the YouTube videos, I was sold.”

“The YouTube videos?” he echoes in an incredulous tone, clearly still trying to decide if we’re messing with him or not. But when he glances over and sees the printed-out “birth guru” certificate with Lucy’s name on it, something snaps inside him. I can see it in his eyes.

“Of course you wouldn’t be supportive.” I muster up a few fake tears, trying to push him over the top, and now Drew looks floored.

“Now, now . . .” Lucy rubs my back. “Don’t let him ruin your mental sedation with his negativity.”

“MENTAL SEDATION?!” His voice nearly shakes the walls. “What did you give her?”

Lucy remains the ever-proper guru despite his heightened state. “The most powerful birthing prescription in the world—vibes of joyousness administered through thoughtful eye contact.” Vibes of joyousness?! Okay, that really did sound like she just pulled it out of her butt.

I’m worried Lucy might have taken it too far and Drew will finally realize we are just pranking him, but no, he looks downright livid. We are getting closer to cartoonlike anger. The ends of his hair are about to catch on fire and turn him into the next Marvel character that fights off birth gurus all over the world. Which . . . was not supposed to happen. He was supposed to call our bluff after vibes of joyousness. I feel a tinge of concern.

“Jessica, may I have a word?In the kitchen.” He points behind him like I’m a naughty puppy that needs to be put inher crate until she can stop shredding all the pillows and eating crayons.

I rise from the ground with Lucy’s help and then level him with an indignant scowl. “Whatever you want to say to me, you can say in front of Luc—” Drew swiftly turns me and starts pushing me along with him into the kitchen. “Hey, watch it! Pregnant lady here. You can’t just toss me around like a rag do—”

Drew spins me to face him, and in one swift motion lifts me up and plants me on the counter. Apparently, hecanmove me around like a rag doll. How did he make that look so easy and graceful? He literally just lifted two humans! Maybe he’s experiencing one of those adrenaline-induced super-strength episodes.

He plants a hand on either side of me and narrows his navy eyes. My skin erupts, and I’m sure my face is turning the same color as my guru garment. Oooh, he smells incredible leaning in close to me like this. I wonder what kind of cologne he wears, and if he’d notice if it suddenly went missing. Can I trail my finger along his jaw? Would it be prickly? His eyes pinch together and his jaw tics. Now would probably be a good time to laugh and tell him the truth, but I want to see how far I can go before he realizes it’s a prank. Also, I can’t seem to form words with him this close.

Without meaning to, my eyes drop to his lips. If he asks, I’ll say I’m just checking to make sure they’re still there.Yep! There they are!Heat ripples between us, and goosebumps blanket my skin. I can hear my inner bad girl telling me to lean forward and take those sexy lips for my own. I want to wrap my arms around his neck and hang on to him like a little monkey. He’s sturdy. He could handle me.

But the rational thinking portion of my brain reminds me that I am pregnant and vulnerable, and Drew is just the sort ofman I don’t need to get mixed up with. He’s the guy you lose your heart to on the first date. He’s the one you tumble head over heels and do irrational things for, like get a tattoo on your butt cheek just because nothing else feels like an adequate symbol of your love.

I’ve known this about Drew since the day Lucy first told me about her brother and showed me his picture. It was weeks before he ever did anything frustrating, but I decided then and there to hate him—because I knew if I didn’t force myself to see all of his bad qualities, I’d like him way too much. As a woman freshly hurt by yet another man, I wasn’t about to let that happen. I’ll never let myself feel reckless romance with a man again. No, somewhere later down the line, I want a reasonable man to marry, someone who makes me smile but never evokes strong feelings. I want someone to share life with, but I never want to have to worry about feeling devastated if I lose him.

And when I look back up into Drew’s indigo-blue-jean eyes, I know he would be devastating.

“I cannot believe you would have my highly unqualified sister deliver your baby.” Drew’s voice is low thunder in the distance. It’s shaking me.

“Y-yes. I am having her be my birth guru. I’ve thought it through, and—”

---