Page 109 of Muddy Messy Love

I quietly sigh, thankful Cole was sparse on detail. The last thing Hannah needs to know is how we met, why I’m really here, and the dumb choices I made. That was a different girl. Someone I no longer recognise but who still scares me nonetheless. “And what’s worse…” I hesitate as my voice cracks. “I gave him my virginity the night before I found out, then still took him back. Girl, on the fool meter, you don’t even rate.” I throw her a half smile, trying in vain to lighten my confession. Only Jen knows about that.

“Ugh, I’m so sorry that happened to you.” Hannah’s empathy melts my heart. Even in pain, she still feels for others.

I nudge her with my shoulder. “I’m only telling you so you don’t feel so alone. Don’t let him break your spirit. He’s not worth it. I’m sorry you were dragged into this. You deserved better.”

Hannah lets out a heavy sigh. “It’s just, if I can’t find a guy who wants no-strings sex, how will I find someone who wants more? Someone to love both me and Ella. I’m worried we’ll be alone forever, and Ella deserves more. She deserves a dad who loves her. A two-parent family. Stability. She deserves it all.”

The depth of Hannah’s loneliness and maternal love chokes me. I clear my throat and cover her hand with mine. “Ella has all the love she’ll ever need. She has a wonderful mum, a dotinguncle, and a safe home. Your person will come. Aim high. Dream him into existence. You know, like the law of attraction and all that.”

She chuckles through tears. “I’ve tried. Believe me. Maybe I should make a vision board. Cut and paste different body parts from a magazine to make my perfect man. Yeah,” she huffs, “that won’t be creepy at all.” Hannah rolls her eyes, and I laugh, grateful to see her light rekindling.

“Aves, about yesterday.” She pauses for a pregnant moment, then sucks in a deep breath. “I’m worried about you.”

“Me?” I frown over the top of my smile but retrieve my hand. “Why?”

“You had a panic attack, and when I asked if you get them often, you didn’t answer. So do you…get them often?” Her brows draw together, and my heart plummets like it’s suddenly made of iron.

I’d forgotten. Shesaw.

I swallow hard. Should I be honest? Will she run? What constitutes often?

As I stare at my knees, questions and feelings war in my head, but I don’t have time to sort through them all. So instead, I rally my nerve, choose not to pretend Alex called my name, and hesitantly answer. “Once a week, maybe. Usually for a reason, but sometimes they come out of nowhere, and I don’t know why.” The admission feels like I’ve stripped off all my clothes and now sit here nude awaiting critique.

God, please kill me.

“Have you thought about getting help?”

Oh no.She isn’t suggesting what I think she’s suggesting, is she? “What do you mean?”

“A psychologist. They can help.”

As my face flames, I laugh off her suggestion. “I’m just too sensitive and a little dramatic, always have been. I need to toughen up, that’s all. No need to waste anyone’s time.”

“Aves.” Hannah’s tone softens, but her baby blues pin me with a ferocity that rivals her brother’s. “There’s no shame in seeking help for mental illness.”

Mental. Illness.

Oh. My. God. She really thinks I’m insane. Maybe I am. The floor wavers as faintness washes over me.

“I see someone,” Hannah says, and I dart my eyes to hers.

“What?” I whisper. But Hannah’s so…perfect. Nothing’s wrong with her.

“I have PTSD. I see someone. And she helps me.”

“Oh,” I stammer, “I… I didn’t know.”

“How would you?” Hannah smiles ruefully. “It’s not something I advertise. Most people don’t.”

An invisible shield pulsates between us, begging me not to pry, so I don’t. “But I’ve been like this since I was ten.” Since…Dad. “It’s just the way I’m wired.”

Hannah gently nudges my shoulder with hers. “You could still try. Life can be easier, and you deserve that. You’re a good person, Aves. I can see why my brother loves you.”

Her words steal my breath, and I stare at her, bug-eyed. Blood rushes to my cheeks, forcing me to look away. “We haven’t…uh… It’s only been six weeks—not even. You’re getting ahead of yourself.” Silence ensues until I build the courage to glance up. A knowing smirk pulls at Hannah’s lips, and my cheeks reignite. “It’s too soon for that.”

Her smile grows as she stares straight through me. X-ray eyes. They must be genetic. “It’s nice to see his feelings are reciprocated.” I open my mouth to refute that assumption, but she presses a finger to my lips. “Uh-uh. Don’t lie to me again,Avery Masters.” She winks and then leans forward to whisper, “And don’t worry, this time your secret really is safe with me.”

Twenty-Two

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