Page 51 of Muddy Messy Love

“You too, Aves.”

I return her smile, then head for the door, admiring the colourful macaroni monsters we made this week strung from the ceiling. The air-dry clay Cole ordered made for perfect monster heads, and the kids were ecstatic. And more so, I loved teaching them. It’s never something I’d considered before.

“Aves?”

Halting at the door, I turn to see Hannah walking over. “Yeah?”

“Just wanted to say you’re doing a great job. We’re lucky to have you.”

Her words warm my heart. “Thanks, Hannah. That means a lot.” So much I want to hug her, but that would be inappropriate. She returns my sappy grin with one of her own and throws me a wink before wandering back to the staffroom.

The foyer is deserted. Even Chantel has gone home for the day. I was starting to wonder if she slept upright at her desk. With no audience, I lift my chin and straighten my back, pretending I’m one of the female lawyers that come and go. They stride across the terrazzo with purpose and pride, their hips in a perfect sway. Time is of the essence, and their time is more valuable than most. Respect finds them from every glance, so for one tiny moment, I imagine I’m that capable and bask in the feeling.

The brass doors click as I swipe my fob across the sensor, but when I push one open, the icy night slaps me in the face and diagonal rain pelts my shins. Crap, I forgot my jacket. Catching the door before it locks, I scramble back inside and head for Mini-Bees. I only hope Hannah hasn’t already locked up, or I’m destined to freeze on the tram ride home.

As I turn the corner, I sag in relief. Mini-Bees remains alight in the distance. Hannah stands in the middle of the playroom with her back facing me, arm in arm with a tailored man who’s holding Ella. Ella’s chubby little arms are locked around his neck.So cute. It seems Hannah does have someone—and a suit to boot. I’m eager to meet the guy, but as I get closer, my steps slow and then completely stop. His build is too familiar, his hair the same walnut colour in my dreams, and I’m certain if he turns around, his eyes will pierce me with green. He squeezes Hannah into his side and kisses the top of her head, then turns his attention back to Ella, smacking kisses all over her sweet face.

Ella giggles, and I die inside. They’re together. Cole and Hannah…and Ella. A vision of Ella’s pale-green eyes pops into my head, and the resemblance hits me like a freight train. Oh my God. I never picked it. I’m such a fucking idiot. My vision turns blurry behind tears, and my breaths turn rapid and shallow. As if sensing my presence, Cole and Hannah turn to face me. Hannah brightens when she spots me through the glass, but Cole’s initialsurprise morphs to a deeper frown the longer he stares, his WTF line slicing his brow.

I have to get out of here, and fast. Screw the jacket.

With an awkward wave, I leg it across the foyer as fast as I can without losing a shoe—no Cinderella delusions here. Not anymore. Fumbling with my fob, I push the door open, stumble out into the rain, and run for the tram stop like a madwoman. Tears stream down my cheeks, and I know I’m way more upset than I should be. Only, I don’t know why. Maybe because I fell for it again. Maybe because I’m way more infatuated with Mr. Cole Benedict and his perfect fucking tailoring and pompous law firm than I’m ready to admit. Maybe because every time I think I’m crazy, he does something that shows me I’m not.

That arsehole. How dare he flirt with me when he’s clearly taken. He was flirting, right? I haven’t made it all up in my head, have I? No. Not at all.

And to do that to Hannah, and innocent Ella. What the fuck is wrong with men? Isn’t one woman ever enough? It wasn’t for Slade. And what is it aboutme? Do I have “mistress material” stamped on my forehead?

Scanning my Myki Pass, I ignore the stares as I board the tram. The shivering drowned-rat look I’m rocking perfectly depicts my emotional state. Keeping my eyes on the mud-streaked floor, I find a seat and rest my head against the cold window, hugging my goosebumped arms.

I’ve been pining after Hannah’s man.Flirtingwith Hannah’s man.Dreamingabout Hannah’s man. And I won’t admit to what else I’ve done—ortriedto do. Alone. At night. Between sateen sheets I can’t afford.

Shame and embarrassment smother me, and my chest grows hollower the more it hurts. I’m such a goddamn fool.

My saturated dress splats to the penny-tile bathroom floor, and I hop from side to side, rubbing my arms, trying to generate heat while I wait for the bathtub to fill halfway.

The water burns my frozen toes as I step in, and I curse, clenching my teeth until the sting subsides. Stupid ballet flats. Stupid flimsy dress. This never would have happened if I’d stuck to my trusty jeans and Docs—perhaps invested in an umbrella. And what was I thinking, buying ballet flats in the first place? I’m not the ballet flat type. Why am I changing myself for him? That’s exactly what Mum would do.

I ease myself into the free-standing tub, then lie back and sigh. Warmth cocoons me, but pain twists through my chest like the charred branches of a dead tree, and there’s no way to escape it. I eye the razor, lying innocently in the marble niche. Not one I’m ready to commit, anyway. But the thought is there, living in the shadows, waiting to taunt me whenever I’m weak.

You’d need a sturdier razor.

Thanks for that, brain. You can’t imagine the solace it brings, you always having my back.

God. I’ve known Cole for three measly weeks, yet now I feel…empty—like my only joy was the hope of having him. Why does separation feel like death? And why do I crave his touch and company so badly? What the hell is wrong with me?

Everything, Avery Lee. Everything is wrong with you.

My phone chimes. It’s Slade. Again. I roll my eyes and groan again but this time hesitate before dismissing it. Desperation to alleviate this horrible feeling claws at my rib cage, so I swipe in my passcode and read.

Slade:

Aves, don’t ignore me. Read this. Please.

When the sun comes up, I think of you.

In the beam of light. The golden hue.

I long to hold you until I lose me.

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