Page 134 of Muddy Messy Love

I rapidly blink, momentarily speechless.Fuck. “I…uh—”

Jen cuts me off. “I admired the girl I met when I was ten. I loved her. She was feisty, witty, and strong—unapologetically comfortable in her own skin and forever chasing her passions, whatever they were for the week.” Jen laughs, but her smile quickly drops. “But slowly, piece by piece, year by year, I’ve had to watch her confidence erode, her spine flop, and the spark in her bright blue eyes fade.”

Sniffling, I wipe my nose with the back of my hand. Damn these never-ending tears. “Everything changed after Dad,” I whisper.

Jen nods. “I know. Your mum turned into a crazy bitch.”

I huff a sad laugh. Three weeks ago, I would’ve hated Jen saying that. Blood-born loyalty and guilt would’ve crushed my stomach, summoning me to Sheila’s defence, hypocritical as it seems. But not anymore.

“There’s nothing wrong with you, Aves.”

I close my eyes and nod, pretending to agree, butpfft. Cole once claimed that too.

“No,” Jen says, “I need you to look at me.” I lift my gaze to meet hers. “There is nothing wrong with you,” she repeats.

Her conviction ploughs into the centre of my chest, shining a spotlight on that deep-rooted belief I’ve long held dear. Even more tears slide down my cheeks. God, who needed a shower?

“There is nothing wrong with you,” Jen says again. “You are not flawed, less than, stupid, or unworthy of love. Say it.”

I try to swallow through the knot of muscle lodged in my throat. “You want me to say it?”

“Yep. I want to hear it from your mouth. Repeat after me: there is nothing wrong with me. I am not flawed, less than, stupid, or unworthy of love.”

I repeat her words, shaking my head. “This is dumb.”

“Again. This time louder and prouder.”

I roll my eyes. “This won’t work, you know that, right?”

Jen ditches her mug and sits taller in her seat, rubbing her hands together. “I’m only just getting started. Now say it again with gusto.”

A smile tugs at my lips. She’s cute when she’s bossy.

I repeat her words with extra vigour and volume, and shockingly, they make a dent. I’ve never tried to disarm that belief from the inside before. I’ve relied on other people for that.

“Better. Now listen here. For years, I’ve had to watch you beat yourself up, doubt your abilities, and believe you’re somehow defective. And all that time, I’ve prayed that one day you’ll see yourself as the smart, loyal, and loving person I see. But more than all that, Aves, you’re strong. You’re a fighter. That nasty voice in your head that says all those horrible things to you—please fight it, ignore it, or recognise it for what it is…fucking lies.Your mum’s lies.”

Jen’s clarity cracks something open deep inside my chest, and I clench my T-shirt, mutilating Adele’s pretty face. There’s a release—a realisation—some kind of beautiful epiphany that unchains my lungs and lets me fucking breathe easier than I ever thought possible. It’s akin to dropping a boulder I never knew I carried.

Sheila’s lies.

“Your mum planted toxic seeds in your head, and events here and there helped them sprout, but babe, you’ve been fertilising and watering them for years—and torturing yourself in the process. It’s time to set that field on fire and reclaim your power. You’re worth it.” Jen thumps her chest. “Mybest friend is worthit. So be broken-hearted and feel that pain, but don’t use it to rip yourself apart, and don’t let a few arseholes ruin your hope for the future. Cole included.”

His name on Jen’s lips makes my body scream, but she continues.

“When you met Cole, I caught a glimpse of the girl I once knew. Your spark was back, and I was thrilled. But now I see the mistake you made: you built your self-worth on Cole’s opinion of you when it can only survive on yours. So plant new seeds, Aves—kind, self-compassionate ones—and nurture that field instead. Stand there. It needs to come from within, and only you can do it.”

I drop my drenched face into my palms, my shoulders shuddering with heavy sobs, as what feels like a decade of angst pours free. She’s right. So fucking right. I’ve worn shame and self-doubt like a second skin and tortured myself every day. It’s complete madness. The old me would use this realisation to add more weight and self-loathing to my mountain of shame, but I’m done. So fucking done.

I look up at Jen’s beautiful face. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

She shakes her head. “You don’t need to apologise.”

“Yes. Yes, I do. Your best friend deserves better, and so does mine.”

Jen smiles a victorious smile, rising from one end of the sofa to plop right down next to me. She throws her arm around my shoulders and pulls me in for a hug. “So what now?”

I inhale a deep breath through the new space inside my lungs. “I’m going to stand up, dust myself off, and fight my way through this. I’m going to set that motherfucking field on fire and start again.”

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