Page 25 of Own Me

Back in the privacy of my bathroom, the stark white walls seem to close in on me as I unwrap the pregnancy tests.

Thank God I have to pee. The test takes seconds, but the results won’t show for a whole minute. I hold my breath, watching the display window as I count down from sixty. I lose count as I think about the fact that the last person I had sex with was Sterling. He didn’t wear a condom, I remember. Even if he came outside me, there’s still a chance that— the double pink lines may appear, and I let out a slow breath.

I follow the instructions meticulously, the seconds ticking away like a slow drumbeat. The quiet of the room is shattered by the loud pounding of my heart, drowning out everything else.

As the results begin to materialize, I find myself holding my breath. The first test shows a faint line, and my mind races to comprehend the implications. I take another, and the second test confirms the result. Mixed emotions surge within me like a tempest, tearing through the fragile walls I’ve built around my feelings.

I sit on the edge of the bathtub, my hands trembling as I clench the pregnancy tests. A rush of conflicting emotions floods my senses — fear, disbelief, excitement, and uncertainty collide in a tumultuous symphony. Tears escape my eyes, tracing silent paths down my cheeks.

The weight of the situation settles over me, and I can’t escape the reality of what the tests suggest. The room feels suffocating, and I gasp for air, trying to reconcile my swirling emotions.My mind races through countless scenarios, each a labyrinth of potential futures.

Tears blur my vision as I stare at the positive results, grappling with the overwhelming realization that life is about to change. Questions and doubts multiply like wildfire, consuming the once-familiar landscape of my thoughts. I feel a mix of joy and sorrow, happiness and fear, like a storm raging within me.

The future unfolds before me, uncertain and intimidating. I trace my fingers over the faint lines on the tests, a tangible representation of the profound shift in my life. The weight of responsibility settles on my shoulders, and I can’t escape the profound impact this revelation will have on everything I’ve known.

During my emotional storm, a glimmer of hope emerges. Despite the fear and uncertainty, a tiny excitement rises deep within me. Amidst the tears, I find a trace of a smile, a recognition that life’s unexpected turns may bring both challenges and joy.

I wash my hands and decide while looking at my image in the mirror. I’m going to keep this baby—our baby. I want to keep my baby no matter Sterling’s involvement with his child.

This is news I can’t hold. I have to call my friend Shayla and tell her the news. She will help me make sense of my conflicting emotions.

The phone feels heavy in my hand as I dial Shayla’s number, each digit echoing in the quiet room. My heart races, anticipating her voice on the other end of the line. The first ring seemed to stretch forever until she finally answered. “Hello?” Her warm, familiar tone brings comfort, a lifeline amid my turbulent thoughts.

“Shayla, it’s Ayana,” I manage to say, my voice betraying the mix of emotions threatening to spill over. There’s a pause on the other end and a concerned edge seeps into her response. "Ayana, what's wrong? You sound upset.”

The dam bursts, and I can no longer contain the torrent of emotions. “I... I took a pregnancy test, Shayla. And it’s positive.” The weight of the words hangs in the air, and I can almost hear Shayla’s sharp intake of breath on the other side.

“Oh, Ayana,” she murmurs, her voice gentle yet filled with understanding. “Take a deep breath. We’ll figure this out together.” There’s a warmth in her words, a reassurance that momentarily eases the storm inside me.

Shayla wastes no time. “I’m coming over, okay? Just stay put.” I nod, forgetting for a moment that she can’t see me. The connection ends, and I’m left with anticipation and apprehension. Moments later, the doorbell rings, and I welcome the familiarity of Shayla’s presence.

She enters with a comforting smile, her eyes reflecting a genuine concern that instantly puts me at ease. Shayla wraps me in a tight hug, the kind only true friends can provide. “I’m here for you, Ayana. Whatever you need, I’ve got your back.”

We settle in the living room, and I recount the whirlwind of emotions that led me to this moment. Shayla listens attentively, offering a supportive presence that feels like a lifeline in the storm. She takes my hand, a silent gesture of solidarity that speaks louder than words.

After absorbing the news, Shayla looks at me with empathy and determination. “Ayana, this is a lot to process, but you don’t have to face it alone. We’ll navigate this journey together.” Her words hang in the air, a comforting promise that sparks a glimmer of hope within me.

As we discuss the implications and uncertainties, Shayla suggests, “Have you considered talking to Sterling? It’s his child,too, and maybe you two can work together for the baby’s sake.” The idea lingers in the room, and I contemplate the complexities of involving him in this unexpected chapter of our lives.

The thought of sharing this news with Sterling sends shivers down my spine. Shayla senses my hesitation and reassures me, “I know it’s scary, Ayana, but sometimes facing the unknown is the only way to find a resolution. You’re not alone in this, and Sterling deserves to know.”

Her words strike a chord, and I realize the gravity of the decision ahead. As Shayla continues to offer support and guidance, I find a newfound strength within me. Together, we navigate the emotional landscape, acknowledging the challenges and opportunities ahead.

Will I gather my courage and share the news with Sterling? Even if it’s unfair, now isn’t the right time to talk to him about my pregnancy. In my heart, I think he deserves to know, but in my head, it’s an entirely different story.

Itake a deep breath, phone in hand, and dial my OBGYN’s office. The receptionist’s voice is calm and efficient, and I schedule an appointment for the next day at my lunch hour, the anticipation of confirmation tightening my stomach. The click of the phone as I end the call with the gynecologist’s office echoes in my ears. The appointment is set – a step closer to confirming what the pregnancy tests already hinted at. Nervous anticipation courses through me as I prepare for this pivotal visit.

The minutes crawl by until the day arrives, and I find myself seated in the sterile waiting room, the air heavy with the scent of disinfectant. The doctor’s office door opens, and my name iscalled by a nurse who greets me with a warm smile. I take a seat on the examination table, my nerves dancing beneath my skin as I await confirmation of what the pregnancy tests have already suggested.

The nurse steps aside as Dr. Reynolds enters the room and reviews my medical history and asks about any symptoms or concerns I might have. The atmosphere is clinical yet compassionate, and I appreciate her ability to balance the medical aspect with the emotional nuances of the situation. She explains the various stages of pregnancy and the importance of prenatal care, emphasizing the need for a healthy lifestyle.

As she conducts the physical examination, Dr. Reynolds maintains a reassuring dialogue, offering medical insights and emotional support. The moment arrived when she confirmed the pregnancy, and a mix of emotions washed over me. The reality of the situation sinks in, and Dr. Reynolds guides me through the following steps, outlining a preliminary plan for prenatal care and necessary tests.

Her advice is practical and caring, focusing on the well-being of both me and the developing baby. The doctor stresses the importance of a balanced diet, regular exercise, and adequate rest. Dr. Reynolds patiently answers my questions, dispelling uncertainties and guiding the journey.

Dr. Reynolds offers guidance on prenatal care, emphasizing the importance of a healthy lifestyle. She discusses potential challenges and reassures me that the medical team will be with me every step of the way. As she imparts advice on nutrition, exercise, and regular check-ups, I absorb the information, realizing the profound responsibility of impending motherhood.

As the doctor outlines the following steps, her encouraging words echo in my mind. “Ayana, take care of yourself. This is a journey, and we’re here to support you. Feel free to reach out with any questions or concerns.”

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