Page 24 of Own Me

I try to be the best at my job, always striving for perfection, but I need more than that for him. His ego is so inflated that he can’t see beyond his egotistical reflection in the mirror. I’m tired of being belittled and undermined just because I don’t fit into his narrow vision of success.

Today was the last straw. He publicly humiliated me during the staff meeting, dismissing my ideas as insignificant. The way he looks down at me with disdain makes my blood boil. I can’t take it anymore.

I sit down at my desk and log on to the company computer. I’ve always been careful not to use it for anything personal, but I don’t care today. I need an outlet for my frustration, a way to release all the pent-up emotions. I once again find solace in the anonymity of the online forums.

I start typing furiously, venting to my online friendsBBW69andTestyTesty. They’re the only ones who I see are already online. I’m so glad I found others who understand what I’m going through. As I type, my words pour out like a torrential rainstorm, each keystroke a release of the anger and hurt I’ve been holding in for so long.

BlacqQueen333:I can’t believe how arrogant and heartless he is; I type, my fingers flying over the keyboard. “No matter how hard I try, he never appreciates my efforts. It’s like he enjoys making me suffer. Why did I have to fall for someone so cruel?”

BBW69responds almost immediately, offering words of support and understanding. “Girl, I feel you. Some people are just toxic and don’t deserve our loyalty or devotion. You deserve a boss who appreciates and cherishes you for who you are.”

TestyTestysays, “Yeah, don’t let him destroy your self-esteem. You are so much more than what he sees in you. Remember that.”

Their words give me a momentary respite from the rage inside me. It’s comforting to know that some people care about me, even if they are strangers on the internet. But the pain lingers, and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m stuck in this toxic cycle.

As I continue typing, I start to feel a sense of relief. It’s as if each word typed is a step towards reclaiming my power and breaking free from chain manipulation. For a brief moment, I imagine life without him, without the constant pressure to please him at all costs.

But just as I’m about to find some semblance of peace, I hear a knock on my office door. My heart races as I quickly minimize the chat window and try to compose myself. “Come in,” I say, my voice trembling with anxiety.

To my horror, it’s Sterling, standing there with that infuriating smirk on his face.

“Ayana, I need those reports on my desk by the end of the day,” he says dismissively, not even acknowledging the tears that threaten to spill from my eyes.

“Of course, sir,” I reply, my voice steady despite the storm of emotions inside me.

He lingers momentarily as if he senses something is off, but then he turns and leaves without another word. I let out a shaky breath, realizing I almost let my guard down in front of him. I can’t afford to show weakness; he would only use it against me.

As I stare at the blinking cursor on my computer screen, I can’t help but wonder how much longer I can endure this torment. But there’s a fire burning inside me now, a determination to break free from his control and reclaim my control.

I pull back up the screen and continue to vent.

BBW69: writes, “You’re not alone. My boss is just as awful. It’s like they thrive on making our lives miserable. But we must remember our worth and not let them define us.”

TestyTesty: adds, “I feel you both. My boss is constantly undermining me too, and it’s so frustrating. But we’re strong and capable and will find a way to rise above all this negativity.”

Reading their words, I feel a sense of camaraderie and strength. These strangers, who have never met me in person, understand me better than anyone in my real life ever could. We form a bond through shared pain and frustration, and it’s oddly empowering.

A spark of determination ignites inside me. Maybe, just maybe, I can turn this online support group into something more – a force for change that challenges the status quo and empowers people like us to take back control of our lives.

But for now, I have to focus on the present. Sterling’s demand for the reports still lingers, and I can’t afford to mess up. I take a deep breath, wiping away the tears that threatened to fall and start working on the reports.

I pour all my frustration and anger into my work with every keystroke. This is my chance to prove to Sterling that his treatment of me won’t break me. I may not have the power to change him, but I can damn well show him that I won’t be defeated.

As the day goes on, I find myself switching between my work tasks and the online forum, whereBBW69andTestyTestycontinue to offer their support and encouragement. It’s a strange balancing act, but it keeps me going, knowing that I have this virtual sanctuary to turn to when the weight of the world becomes too much.

By the end of the day, I’ve finished the reports and sent them off to Sterling’s desk. Part of me hopes that he’ll recognize my effort, but I know better than to expect praise from him.

Another day the same old shit, I think to myself as I look at the computer screen as I pack my things to leave the office. The chat window is still open, filled with messages from my online friends. I smile, feeling a glimmer of hope that I can vent to my heart’s content.

When I arrive home, I’m still livid that Sterling forces me to work even longer hours, even though Lux gets to leave by 5p.m. every day. I don’t even know why he hired her if I’m just going to work late most days. Today, I walked in on him so close to Lux on his office couch that they might as well have been kissing.

The only plus side is that I have endless material for BBD. It is almost like he’s trying to make my material as asshole certified as possible. After work, I log in to comment on how fed up I am with Mister Bossy Pants’ antics. I sit on my couch with my tilapia and rice on the dinner tray next to me. But then, I catch a whiff of the fish. The aroma nauseates me enough to send me running to the toilet, to throw up. As I’m cleaning up, an awful idea hits me like the vomit just hit the water.

A thought dawns on me, and my mouth gapes open. I haven’t had a period in months, which isn’t a surprise since I’ve had irregular periods since my menstrual cycle started at thirteen. But what worries me is my upset stomach and the recent throwing up all the time. A scary thought enters my mind and I grab my jacket and purse and head to the nearest Pharmacy.

I step into the pharmacy, my heart pounding as I navigate the aisles filled with products promising various solutions. The fluorescent lights overhead cast a sterile glow on the shelves, and I feel a knot tightening in my stomach. Trying to maintain composure, I gather a handful of pregnancy tests and head to the cashier.

As I approach the counter, I can’t help but feel a mix of anxiety and anticipation. The cashier scans each item with practiced efficiency, and I force a small smile, my hands trembling as I fumble for my wallet. The transaction feels like an eternity, and I grab the discreet bag, heading home with a growing sense of unease.

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