He turned to her. “Even as bad as the scars on my back are, the scars he created inside me after that are harder to bear. Mom threatened to have him arrested if he ever hit me again, and she made him go to rehab.”
“So, it got better?”
He barely raised one shoulder. “He never hit me again, but he never lost an opportunity to tell me how worthless I was. I can’t count the times he told me he wished I’d never been born, that he could’ve had a good life if it hadn’t been for me.”
She slipped her arms around his waist and pulled him close the way she would a child who was hurt. Slowly he relaxed, and she laid her head against his chest, hearing the thud of his heart. “I’m so sorry.”
“It hardly seems fair that he lives his life the way he wants to, and at the end, it’s all wiped away. He doesn’t deserve it.”
She searched for words to comfort him with, but the only ones that came to her were likely to anger Sam. “None of us deserve it.”
Emma felt his breath still as her words brought a thick silence.
“Yeah, that’s what my mom always says.” He was silent for a minute, then he said, “Forgiveness should be true, from the heart. Not because it’s what I’m supposed to do. I don’t feel like forgiving him.”
“Sometimes we do the right thing even when we don’t feel like it,” she said. “If you do, the feelings will follow. Eventually.”
“Fake it until you make it?” His voice was laced with sarcasm.
“Something like that.” She didn’t seem to be getting through to him. “Maybe if you knew why he was like he was, it would help bring closure.”
“I don’t need closure. I just need everyone to get off my back about him.”
“But he’s not the only one affected. Your mom needs you right now, and you’re not there. I think you should go to the hospital if for no other reason than to be with her. And your sister.”
Sam stared at her, resistance stamped on his face, but there was something more, something she recognized. Guilt. That she knew well. “I’ll go with you.” She tugged him toward the door.
Surprisingly he followed. When she turned to lock her door, he said, “I’m just going to support Mom and Jenny. I’m not going in to see him.”
“That’s up to you, but if he dies before you work this out, you’ll be the one left behind. What if down the road, you have regrets? Regrets you’ll deal with the rest of your life.” She knew how that felt, but could she tell Sam? “I...” She swallowed and began again. “I would give anything to tell Ryan I’m sorry for what I said to him the night he disappeared.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve never told anyone. We were alone and Ryan was being Ryan. Mean drunk. I ... told him I wished he’d leave and never come back. Those were the last words I ever spoke to him.”
“Oh, Emma.” He put his arms around her. “You didn’t mean it, and he knew that.”
“That’s just it—I did mean it. I was so angry. He’d ruined our birthday—we’d had a good time until he kept drinking and got nasty.” She looked up at him. “Now he’s gone, and I can’t take back the words. If you don’t give your dad a chance, you’ll never know what might be.”
“I don’t know—”
“Just promise me you’ll think about it.”
He stared at her for a long minute. “I’ll think about it.”
“Good.”
Sam followed her to his SUV and opened the passenger door. By the time she had her seat belt fastened, he was getting in onthe other side. Emma’s apartment was only five minutes from the hospital, and they were soon walking through the doors of the emergency room waiting area, where they were told his dad had been transferred to the ICU.
They rode the elevator in silence, and after they stepped off, they followed the signs to the ICU waiting room. His mom, Rachel, stood when she saw Sam, and Emma followed as he went straight to her. Emma squeezed her hand when Rachel turned to her. “Thank you for coming.”
She nodded and stepped back as Sam’s sister leaned into his hug, totally ignoring Emma except for shooting a hard glare at her. She believed the woman truly hated her.
“How is he?” Emma asked Rachel.
“They’re getting him ready for a heart cath,” she replied. “His cardiologist believes he has a blockage in the main artery that’s barely letting blood through.”
“Are they going to do surgery?” Sam asked.