Page 66 of See You at the Finish Line

“My teammate slammed into me in what turned out to be our last playoff game of the season. Knee-to-knee contact. I shatteredone knee, and the other was torn to shreds. Even after the surgeries and physio, I couldn’t perform like I used to and wasn’t signed again,” I blurt out.

The weight of it is still suffocating, even after all these years. It’s been at the forefront of my mind since returning to the NHL sphere as a coach.

“I’m so sorry, Adam.” She sounds so sincere I can’t bear to look at her.

Even with the burden of this on my chest, I shrug. I see movement from the corner of my eye and then feel her foot press against my leg.

When I finally meet her gaze, she’s staring at me with an expression I don’t understand. I guess communication needs to start somewhere.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” I whisper.

“I don’t know what to think. Everything I know about you, or at least think I know about you, is confusing.”

I’m the one confused now. “What does that mean?”

“It means two years ago I would have thought this was a possibility, you sitting on my couch on a Sunday. Except I would’ve thought we’d be closer. Instead we have this ... distance.” She gestures to the two of us and I know she means more than the space between us on opposite ends of the couch.

I could have reached out to her. I knew how to contact her. We both know I didn’t. And she could have found me online and she didn’t. I don’t know where that leaves us.

Thinking back over every reason I came up with not to contact her, it all seems so trivial now. I feel like an asshole. But I also know that a small part of me didn’t want to disappoint her.

“My dad was happy when I left the NHL.” I can’t take the words back now.

My words make her sit upright, disbelief crossing her features. “What?”

I nod. “He thought that as a pro athlete, I wasn’t contributing to society. So he said it was a blessing in disguise. He told me, ‘If life throws something unexpected at you, the path you were on was probably wrong,’ and I think that stuck with me more than I’d like to admit.”

Paige looks at me, nodding slowly as she pulls her foot away.

For the next month,I train my ass off for this race. Ignoring Adam has been hard. We didn’t talk after he told me what his father said. Realizing that he thinks getting disqualified from the race was the universe or whatever’s way of stopping him from making a bad decision hurts. But I have my answer, and it’s time to move on.

For real this time.

At first, running was so much harder than I remember. Have I always felt this heavy? Why are my footfalls so loud? Do my lungs even remember how to breathe?

Eventually, though, my body stopped being a dick and remembered that we used to do this religiously. I brought Shay out on a few runs with me as her punishment for lying about my sex life to Adam. It gave me a sick sense of satisfaction to watch her struggle. Although it backfired because she progressed faster than I did initially.

I know it’s only a 5k race, but I miss the days when I would run for three hours in the morning and everything else melted away. Once, I even brought Mateo on a long run. I like him—he has such a calming presence that the hour we ran together was the mostcomfortable hour of silence I’ve ever spent with another person. I’ve never had a brother, but I think Mateo is the kind of person I’d choose for the job.

I’m feeling great. The two years away from running was terrible, but it also allowed me to find other ways to exercise that helped strengthen my body and give me some enjoyment outside of racing.

All the cross-training has been so beneficial since I started putting on more miles. I feel great about myself as I step out of my shower and admire the weight I’ve put on. If there was anything that could convince someone to start running, it would be the essential consumption of carbs.

I’m fuller in the hips and curves and my skin pulls taut over my muscles. I feel strong.

My doorbell rings, which sets off Q’s barking. No one has ever rung the doorbell while I’ve lived here. I didn’t even know we had one. Someone must have buzzed whoever it is into the building. I look through the peephole, dropping my towel in surprise.

Adam is standing outside my door.

Adam, who I’ve said maybe five words to in the past month. Adam, who sat on my couch last month and told me he thought I was the wrong choice. Adam, who I am trying to let go.

And I’m naked.

“What do you want?” I say through the door.

“Paige?”

“Did you knock on my door expecting someone else?”

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