Page 93 of Fragile

Vulnerability doesn’t come easy to me, but I’m willing to try if it means keeping people I love in my life.

Approaching Seb’s door, I feel the weight of all my decisions standing next to me like shadows looming, attempting to swallow me whole. I have no clue how I’m going to start this, because it wasn’t just my captain I’ve let down, it’s my best friend, and to admit that I messed up and I’ve been sneaking around with his little sister too...

Jesus, I really took the crown of fucking up.

Exhaling a shaky breath, I lift my non broken arm and a rap my knuckles on his door.

Every second I wait, my heart beats louder, my blood pumps harder around my body. Maybe I’ll pass out and make all this real interesting. As soon as the door swings inward and I see his face, I know I have to face this head on.

“Miles, what the hell are you doing out of bed?” he chastises, always worrying about others, just like his sister.

He ushers me inside, careful not to touch my cast. My pulse hammers in my neck like a wild beast and there is nothing I can do to stop what I was about to say.

“I need to talk to you.”

“Okay?” He eyes me, skeptical. “Sit down. I don’t want you passing out on me.”

I take one more deep breath as I perch on the end of his bed. “I’ve fucked up.” I sigh, running my free hand through my hair. “I have a meeting with Coach tomorrow. He knows already, but I need to tell you face to face…” I pause to compose myself. “I’ve been using amphetamines for most of this season.”

His eyes narrow as he shakes his head in disbelief. “Wait, what? Did I hear that right?”

I nod solemnly. “Yeah, I made some pretty bad decisions after my dad gave me a fuck ton of his pep-but-not-peppy-talks. It messed with my head in a big way. I didn’t want to let you down, didn’t want to let him down.” The weight of my demons presses down on me relentlessly, making it hard to breathe. “I thought Icould manage it, that it would give me an edge and help me keep up with everything. But it just made things worse, and I knew I needed to stop, I knew it, but I didn’t want to fail, and I stupidly saw this as something no one would find out about.”

I shake my head, guilt racking my brain.

Seb rubs the back of his neck, his gaze intense as he tries to make sense of what I’ve just said. “Drugs, Miles?”

“I know,” I groan.

“You…Fuck!” His voice rises. “You should have told me sooner. We could’ve figured something out.”

“I know that,” I say on a sigh. “But I wasn’t about to drag you down with my shit.”

“Are you kidding?” He pins me with a look full of hurt as he stands. “You’re my best friend, you’ve been my best friend my entire fucking life. If you’re going through something you lean on me, that’s how it’s always been.” He paces the room, blowing out uneven breaths. “I’m not going to pretend I know everything about how your dad treats you, but I know enough, I’ve seen enough, and I’m—” He pauses to swipe down his face. “Fuck—I’m sorry for being wrapped in my own shit to not be there for you.”

“Seb,” I say quietly. I don’t want him blaming himself.

“No, I really missed the mark here. You needed me and I wasn’t the first person you went to.”

“I had help,” I admit without a thought.

“From who?” He stops pacing, staring at me. “Who helped you?”

The loaded question, the one that is going to punch him in the gut yet again. I steel myself as I wait for my courage to kick in again. “Quinn.”

Surprise flashes across his face. “She did?”

I nod.

“Of course she did. She loves to take care of people; it’s her love language.”

“Seb?”

“Yeah?”

“There’s something else.” I swallow deeply as I get ready for the finale. “I love her, okay? I’m in love with her. This isn’t me messing around. I’ve managed to fuck things up epically, but I’m not going to lose her. She’s… She’s everything to me.”

Seb just stares at me for what feels like the longest time. His eyes don’t leave mine, searching for any hint of deceit, but he won’t find it. I might not have told Quinn in those exact words, but I know how I feel about her is permanent.

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