Page 33 of Christmas With My Ex

I chuckle, trying to make sense of the over-the-top display he is showing me. “Looks like Santa’s workshop came to Charleston.”

“Yeah!” Nicky’s breathless, like he’s running around to everything he wants to show off while talking to me. “And we made cookies. I got to eat one with sprinkles, and tonight we’re gonna leave some for Santa. We’re putting out carrots for the reindeer, too!”

I lean back in the chair, letting his energy wash over me. “That sounds like a perfect Christmas Eve, buddy. Did you help make the cookies?”

A lump forms in my throat. How I wish I would be doing all of this with him, not these strangers in a foreign city.

“Uh-huh! I helped with the sprinkles, and I put the cookies on the tray. Mom said I’m the best cookie-maker.” He’s so proud, and I can hear the joy in his voice.

“That’s because youarethe best cookie-maker,” I say, smiling. “You gonna bring one home for me? You know I love cookies”

There’s a pause, and then he giggles. “If you were here, Daddy! I'm not sure I can not eat them all before I go home. But I'll make some new ones for you when I see you, okay?”

“Good man,” I say softly, though the sting of not being there hits harder than I expected. It’s the first Christmas Eve I’m not spending with him, and hearing him so happy, while I’m here, far away, twists something inside me.

Before I can say anything else, I hear a familiar voice on the line. “Hey, Nick,” Bev says, her tone neutral, maybe a little tired.

“Bev,” I reply, trying to push past the awkwardness that always seems to creep in. “Just wanted to check in and wish Nicky a Merry Christmas Eve. Sounds like he is having a great time.”

“Of course. He’s been bouncing off the walls all day.” She laughs lightly, as she tries to wrangle Nicky and keep the holiday chaos under control. “We’re having dinner with Billy's family tonight. It’s been busy, to say the least.”

Something in her voice makes me wonder if going there instead of being home isn't all it's cracked up to be.

“I bet,” I say, not really knowing what else to add. I’ve never had an issue with Billy, her boyfriend. He’s a decent guy, and he’s good with Nicky. Still, we will never be friends, especially when he flexes and takes my son away during times like these.

“How’s your trip?” Bev asks, her voice cutting through my thoughts.

“It’s fine,” I say, though my mind flashes to Rives and the disaster that’s been today. “Just a little different than I expected. We are essentially snowed in, although we do have access to a few places around town. The mountain is closed because of avalanche concerns.”

There’s a pause, and I can hear Nicky in the background even though he is no longer on with us, laughing about something. Bev clears her throat. “Well, I’ll let you get back to it. I’ll have him call you in the morning when he wakes up to Santa.”

“Thanks,” I say, my heart tightening. “And, Merry Christmas, Bev.”

“You too, Nick.”

We hang up, and I sit there for a moment, staring at my phone. The conversation with Nicky helped, but now I feel even more torn.

Hearing my son’s joy about Christmas should’ve been enough to keep my mind off everything else, but it isn’t. My thoughts drift back to Rives and my betrayal, to the look of mistrust in her eyes.

THIRTEEN

Rives

I played my best for Him, ba rum bum bum bum.

3:31 pm

I sit in the courtyard,the fire crackling softly in front of me, but it does nothing to warm the cold swirling in my chest. I prop my leg up on the stone edge of the fire pit, wincing at the dull ache in my knee from storming off earlier.

Storming off. It's my turn with Nicholas to walk before trying to understand. He had the upper hand last time, I'm not going to give in to that again.

The last time Nicholas and I fell apart, he walked away. He didn’t just leave a conversation. He leftus.

I bite into the s’more in my hand, but the sweetness is lost on me as memories of our breakup flood in.

The fights had gotten worse, uglier, those last few weeks of our relationship. I’d voiced my frustrations more times than I could count, how I always felt like I wasn’t first in his life, how his job and responsibilities as a new father took up everything, and there was no room for me.

I wasn’t asking him to abandon his son, but I needed to feel like I mattered. Like I wasn’t just a stopgap between the hospital shifts and sleepless nights.

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