Page 59 of The Lake of Lost Girls

“Nickname? What nick—,” Ryan groaned and briefly closed his eyes. “Shit, okay, I know it sounds bad—”

“Wam Bam McKay?” It wasn’t quite an accusation. I was walking a fine line. I lowered my eyes, my body sagging. I needed him to see how it hurt me. How much I suffered because of his behavior. Maybe then he would tell me all the things I longed to hear.

His cheeks flushed red. “It’s not like that. I promise.” He sounded sincere. God, how I wanted to believe him. Maybe I’d let myself.

“What about Tammy Estep?” I had to ask. I would despise myself if I didn’t. “And Phoebe Baker?”

Saying their names out loud felt awful.

“It sounds like there have been a lot of girls,” I continued.

He held up his hands in defense. “Okay, okay … I’m a piece of shit, I get it. But they were before I even met you—”

“And who comes after me, Ryan?” I asked softly.

I could never summon my anger when it counted. It only ever came out in wild, unpredictable ways. But the people, themen, who deserved my rage, never received it. I was conditioned to want their regard. Their tenderness. As much as I loathed to admit it, I would turn myself inside out in my desire to claim it.

His eyebrows drew together. “They were—” he shook his head, “—they were just fillers. Women to pass time with. You’re not them. You’re special.”

He seemed so sincere. But I had heard these sentiments before. Men like him threw around words never knowing their true meaning. They did it to conquer. To make themselves feel better. To get what they wanted and damn the consequences. Damn the victims.

Men like Ryan were ruining my life.

Ryan reached for my hand again, a playful, hopeful smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “That sounded corny.”

“Maybe a little,” I teased breathlessly, eager to put aside the ugliness. I was greedy for his attention and affection. It echoed the craving I experienced with Dr. Daniels. This impatient hunger that engulfed better sense.

“I wish you were the first, Jess. I really do. I want to pretend that there has never been anyone but you.” He laid it on thick. He was a shark circling in the water and he could smell blood.

I let him pull me into his arms, his lips pressed against my temple. I felt the tension drain out of me. How quickly I dismissed all the reasons to keep my distance.

I had a hard time doing what was best for me.

Needing to be loved above all others would be my downfall.

The phone rang and this time he picked up right away.

“Hello?” He sounded distracted. He always sounded distracted these days. I wanted to scream, but I wouldn’t.

There was a time when I had all his attention. It hurt so much that I had to share it now.

With all the others.

“Hi, Dad.”

“Jess.” He said my name flatly, as if he regretted answering the phone.

There was complete silence, neither of us saying anything for an uncomfortably long period of time.

“What do you need?” he asked, bracing himself.

“Aren’t you going to ask how I’m doing?” I couldn’t hide the pain in my voice.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he placated. “How are things? I hope they’re better. Your mom and I have been worried that you’re running yourself down. You were so distant at Christmas—”

“I wonder why,” I interrupted, for once, summoning some bite.

Dad sighed as if annoyed. Irritated at having to explain himself. “Jess, it’s not what you think.”

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