Page 22 of The Lake of Lost Girls

As predicted, the conversation turned completely around, and the whereabouts of Tammy Estep were forgotten.

I stared down at the red “F” on the front of my essay onThe Odyssey.I knew I deserved it. I had written it less than two hours before class. That wasn’t usually how I operated. In high school I’d spend hours upon hours researching and fine-tuning my work before submitting it. It’s how I graduated at the top of my class.

Yet I was finding I was more focused on the things Iwantedto do, like going to mixers and staying up late watching all the John Hughes movies with my pledge sisters, and less focused on things Ishouldbe doing, like writing my Odyssey essay for Intro to English.

But being this new Jess, the one with friends and an endless social calendar, was a lot more fun than the Jess who sat in her room every weekend planning out her future.

I enjoyed these new impulses, even if they threatened to drown me. And I would try not to feel guilty for laughing and drinking with my hallmates until the early hours, enjoying the momentary freedom until another uptight upperclassman moved in to replace MIA Tammy as our new resident advisor.

I shoved the essay into my bag, refusing to look at it any longer. I’d turn things around. I always did.

A bright pink tennis ball bounced off my shoe, landing with a thud at my feet. I looked up in annoyance, ready to give the jerk a piece of my mind.

I was surprised to find a little girl who looked about Lindsey’s age, running toward me, her white-blonde hair in a messy braid down her back.

“I’m sorry,” her high-pitched voice called out.

I leaned down and picked up the ball, holding it out for her.

“It’s okay. Here you go.” The little girl took it with a shy smile.

“I’m not supposed to throw it so hard. My dad says I might hit someone.” She cradled the ball close to her chest, looking over her shoulder toward Roosevelt Hall and a man standing with a pretty woman holding a baby.

“Well, your dad’s right, but it’s okay. You didn’t even hit me,” I assured her.

“Good, because I really don’t want to get in trouble,” she said, her lower lip jutting out.

“It’ll be our secret.” I gave her a wink and she giggled before running back to her parents.

I watched her for a moment before recognition hit me.

Dr. Daniels lifted the little girl into the air and swung her around. I could hear her laughter. It sounded like innocence and joy. It made my heart clench painfully.

He kissed her on the cheek and I could see the girl clinging to his neck. It reminded me so much of my dad and me. Down to the way Dr. Daniels hefted his daughter onto his shoulders as she squealed in terrified delight, gripping his hands so she wouldn’t fall.

Dr. Daniels kissed his wife tenderly before turning his affections to the baby, no more than a year old, in her arms.

They were the picture of a perfect, happy family.

They could bemyfamily.

It made me want to cry.

The music was blaring from the three massive speakers someone had stacked in the corner of the Sigma Kap house. The theme was deserted island so I was surrounded by a sea of grass skirts and coconut bras—even on some of the guys.

The room erupted into cheers as four of my sisters arrived. They had gone all out for the theme, making a cardboard replica of theS.S. Minnowfrom the TV showGilligan’s Island.The four of them walked in a single file, holding the massive boat up with string over their shoulders, as the fraternity brothers hooted and hollered.

I pulled at the white button-down shirt I had tied at my navel. It hung open, revealing my Hawaiian print bikini top. The cutoff jean shorts I had borrowed from Daisy were a size too small and barely covered my ass. I tried not to feel self-conscious as I danced awkwardly while downing the awful beer as quickly as I could. I plastered a smile on my face that felt as fake as the bright flowers draped around my neck.

Everyone around me was wasted and I was trying to get to the same state. But it was tough when the beer tasted awful.

I had lost track of my pledge sisters about five minutes after arriving. I caught a glimpse of Daisy now and then, but she was hanging on a different guy every time. I needed to interject myself with some of that wild abandon.

I had never been a party girl like Daisy; I never had the time to be. Not with all the extra classes Mom had insisted on, and the extracurricular activities I had participated in. My life before now had been filled with winning and achieving, not partying. Not having a life. I had missed out on so much that I was determined to make up for lost time. I wanted friends. I wanted to go to parties. I wanted to be the kind of girl that was always having a great time.

I closed my eyes and swayed to the music. I probably looked ridiculous, but at that moment I didn’t care. My mind was pleasantly fuzzy, which I craved. Being stuck in my own head was the last place I wanted to be.

I felt an uncontrollable shiver. A feeling of being observed made it impossible to lose myself in the moment.

---