Page 109 of The Lake of Lost Girls

I couldn’t explain to her why I did the things I did. How I loathed that part of me that desired things I shouldn’t. That I loved her. That I loved her mother and sister, but they didn’t fill the hole inside me.

I craved things that a well-respected man like me shouldn’t.

I got off on the thrill that was lacking in every other part of my life.

I was a husband. I was a father. I was a businessman.

And it would never, ever be enough.

I hadn’t wanted Jess to know about that ugly side of me. I never wanted her to see me for who I really was. But she had.

And in the process I had not only exposed myself, I had exposed a darkness in her that I never knew existed.

Jess pulled back, wiping furiously at her eyes as if the tears she had allowed to escape disgusted her.

“I’m surprised you’re even here. Don’t you have some young girl to screw?” She was being hateful. She never spoke to me like this. I was used to her smiles and her laughter. I didn’t know what to do with this anger and hate. Yet, it was no more than I deserved.

In that instant, I realized she’d never let me forget. That we were stuck in an endless cycle that would go on and on forever. Her misdirected wrath would be our undoing.

“Who is it this time? Do I know her?” she demanded, pushing me away from her. “Tell me.”

“There’s no one, Jess. I promise.”

She laughed. It was a far cry from the sweet giggle of her childhood. This was pain and misery. This was a woman who wanted to burn the world down.

“Like your promises mean anything.”

“You have to stop this, sweetheart. This anger is consuming you.” I tried to placate her, but that seemed to infuriate her more.

“I told you, I didn’t want to do any of this. I didn’t mean for it to happen,” she cried.

I tried to reach for her again. “Shh, I know, darling. I know …”

She flung my hands away. “But they deserved it. If I didn’t stop them, it would keep happening. More families would be ruined. More little girls would lose their fathers.” Her lips began to tremble and my heart broke.

“You haven’t lost me, Jess. I swear it.”

“But I have!” she shrieked and I looked nervously over my shoulder at the kitchen door, hoping Cara hadn’t heard her. “Because as much as you say you love us, you love them, too.”

I recognized the signs of her losing control. And my little girl was dangerous when she got to that point.

“I know you didn’t mean to hurt Tammy, or the others—”

Jess gripped her hair at her scalp. “They wouldn’t listen, Dad. I tried to make them see reason. I thought I could talk to them. Show them what a broken family looked like. Explain how much it hurt. But they. Just. Wouldn’t. Listen!”

This was the same story she told me every time. How she used her roommate’s ID card and waited for her RA in the school’s computer lab late at night. Jess knew Tammy went every evening before bed to check her email. My daughter explained that she coaxed Tammy outside behind the building and hit her over the head with a broken piece of pipe she picked up off the ground. It was pure luck that it stormed that night, washing away all traces of blood on the grass.

She claimed she didn’t mean to do it. They’d argued but Tammy wouldn’t listen. Jess had begged her to end her relationship with her teacher. She told her she was ruining someone’s family.

“But she didn’t care. So, I stopped her.”

And then months later, she tracked Phoebe down at the library. She had asked her to talk outside. They argued, just as she and Tammy had. In the heat of that one, terrible moment, my daughter strangled her friend. Phoebe had said she was in love. She couldn’t stop it. She didn’t want to. That she planned to be with her lover. That she was convinced he would leave his family for her. Jess had cried and cried over Phoebe. That one had nearly destroyed her.

But then there was beautiful Meghan. Jess couldn’t help herself. That one was entirely about me. If only I had been able to control myself, Meghan—and the others—might still be alive.

She was full of unrelenting anger that time. Before I could push the body overboard, Jess, in a rash decision, shoved something on the dead girl’s finger.

I knew what it was. Jess broke my heart when she discarded the ring. She thought she was making a point. Letting me know what my actions had cost her. We both felt it. Our bond was now hanging by a thread.

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