What else could I ask for?
Love will happen in my next marriage.
My real marriage.
I tie my hair up off my neck and dress in a pair of denim capris and a soft pink t-shirt. My shoes are nowhere to be found, so I head downstairs barefoot. I probably kicked them off in the living room yesterday and forgot.
Voices carry from the kitchen.
My shoes are not in the living room either.
I need coffee and something to settle my stomach. Then I’ll go searching.
“Do you want any more?” Sergei offers a spoonful of oatmeal for my mother.
She grimaces and turns her face away.
“I guess not,” he says gently and puts the spoon back into the bowl.
Mom leans back in her chair. Her hair has been washed and brushed already.
“Mom?” I step into the kitchen. “What is she doing in here?” I take in the bowl of half-eaten oatmeal and a glass of orange juice.
“She wanted to go outside.” Nora, the morning nurse answers me from the other side of the kitchen where she’s drinking a cup of coffee.
“I took her through the garden in the back and then Nora said it was time for her breakfast.” Sergei gives me a searching look. “How are you feeling?”
“You took her for a walk?” I step up to the table. “Outside?”
“I did. And we had a nice talk.”
“She talked to you?” Mom hasn’t said much at all for weeks. A word here and there, but otherwise she’s become mostly nonverbal.
“Well, I did all of the talking, but she was nice enough to smile a few times,” he explains.
I glance back at Nora who nods, as though to confirm what Sergei is telling me.
“I’m sorry you had to do that,” I say.
“I haven’t had a chance to really spend time with your mother. This was good.” He sounds assuring. “Do you want coffee?” He quirks an eyebrow, like he knows full well I’m not feeling well.
“Let me get Mom back to her room, then sure.” I reach for the handlebars of her wheelchair, but Sergei stops me.
“You get a cup of coffee. I’ll take her back. She seemed to enjoy the garden, maybe this afternoon we should bring her back outside. The patio in the back of the guest wing isn’t as nice.”
I blink a few times.
What is he up to?
“I think she’d love that.” Nora puts her coffee cup in the sink and joins us at the table. “I can bring her back to her room. She’s probably going to fall right asleep once she’s comfortable.”
I lean down and kiss my mom’s cheek. Soft and warm, just like all the memories I have of her. She even has the same lavender vanilla scent as always, but when I look into her eyes, I see the truth. She’s not here anymore.
My chest aches. I miss her so much.
She smiles up at me and moves her hand to rest on my arm.
For a moment I think she’s going to say something. Her mouth opens a little.