Page 47 of Blind Sin

I press on, knowing well he remembers our earlier talk. “Okay, here's another question then. Why won't you come into the house and eat with the rest of us?”

“Maybe I just want some peace and quiet,” he responds.

I shake my head, challenging him. “The Josh I knew craved excitement. Peace was never your thing.”

He pauses, a shadow of something deeper crossing his face. “I'm not the Josh you knew. Not anymore. I haven't been since…” His voice trails off.

“And I’m not the same girl you once knew, but here we are. I can’t keep doing this Josh. You were the love of my life. You are the love of my life. I’ve never found anything close to what I shared with you.”

His face, previously etched with weariness, now contorts into an expression of anger.

He slams his, now empty plate on top of mine, shattering both. “Fuck you, Sin! Just fuck you.” He runs his hands maniacally through his ragged hair.

My own anger begins to rise to the surface. “No!” I stand and place my hands on my hips and face him. “I’m sick to death of pussyfooting around, wondering what I could have done differently. Yes, your parents died and yes you ended up with nothing and that’s shit, but before that you lived a life of love and safety. I’ve spent my entire life knowing nothing but abuse at the hands of my father and his friends. I didn’t have the luxury of just saying fuck you to anyone. I had no luxury to do anything but put on a smiling face and pretend I was living my best life all the while I was being beaten black and blue. You already know I didn’t tell my father anything about you, and yet you continue to blame me for every shitty thing that’s happened to you since we were fifteen years old.” My breathing is coming in short sharp bursts and my heart is hammering in my chest, but I continue on, my voice rising with every word as he stands, his face inches from mine. “Tell, me Josh, I say, hammering his chest with my fist. “Tell me what could I have done any differently?”

His jaw clenches tightly, emotion seething through him as he abruptly grabs my wrist. His grip is so intense that a sharp cry escapes me, yet I maintain our eye contact. His eyes blaze with a frenetic, raw anger

“You could have loved me,” he grits back. His answer is so profound and yet so fucked up.

There’s a silence between us, only punctuated by both of our heavy breathing.

“I did love you. I loved you more than anything,” I cry out. “How many times do I have to tell you?”

His sharp gaze burns into me and I feel like he can reach my soul just by looking at me. “But you don’t love me now.” It’s not even a question. It’s a statement.

“No.”

It’s like a weight has dropped between us and I’m surprised to see what looks like relief in his eyes.

“You don’t love me, either. You’re in love with Lauren. That’s why you can’t answer my question.”

He drops my arm and sits back down on the bed. For the first time since knowing him, I see fear in his eyes. I drop to my knees between his legs and hold a hand to his face. He bows his head, his hair falling down around it. Then I lean forward and kiss him. It’s slow and chaste and there’s so much beauty in it and years of unspoken words.

When I pull back he licks his lips and gives a slow huff. “That’s a goodbye kiss if ever I tasted one.”

I shake my head. “That’s a hello kiss. Hello to the woman I now am. Hello to the man you now are and hello to a relationship we are now going to have to navigate if you really are in love with my sister.”

He shakes his head. “It’s more complicated than that. I don’t even know her.”

“But you saw something in her that you never saw in me.”

He sighs. “That’s not true. I saw you in her, but…”

He looks in so much pain that I almost wish I could will us back into the past when it was just the two of us and none of this was happening. There’s so much grief between us. I know I’m grieving the kid Josh and I get the feeling that he feels the same. We’re both grieving the future that could have been ours, but never will be. “The me of the past?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know.”

I rest my hand on his thigh. “You want to know the truth about why I’m no longer in love with you?”

When he doesn’t answer, I continue on, trying to keep my nerves at bay, because this is the first time I’ve admitted this out loud. “I’m in love with someone else.”

He nods his head lightly. “Matt Deniver.”

I choke out a laugh. “Matt Deniver? I barely know him. Our dating was for show. I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but he’s actually gay.” I pause while I try to figure out a way to tell him what I’ve never told another soul, not even Lauren. “So am I, Josh.”

His head snaps up in disbelief as I continue.

“I’m in love with Scarlet Lexington, or at least I think I am. I don’t know. I guess the pair of us are as fucked up as each other.”

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