Page 51 of Sinful
Suddenly it makes sense. I took Josh to my mother’s cabin a few times. Those days after my father beat me and I felt like life was not worth living. We’d spend the night huddled up together in the cold. Looking back, it wasn’t the most romantic setting, but it was a safe haven and I felt protected in Josh’s arms. I felt he could save me from anything... until he couldn’t and it became apparent I was going to have to be the one to save him. And now he hates me for the lie.
“I have to go,” Lauren says. “Let me go.” She looks so vulnerable. I’ve spent the last week cursing myself for fucking up so badly and leaving her alone in that cabin. It’s not a mistake I’ll make again.
She reaches out to me but it’s the shaved haired man that takes her hand. “We’ll look after you, Sinful.”
I open my mouth to snap at him, but Lauren gets in there before me. “You couldn’t even save me from yourselves.”
My blood runs cold at her words. I grab her hand from the man’s, but then it’s Alexander blocking the doorway.
“Let them go, Dacre.”
I turn to see Josh at the terrace door. His hair covers most of his face, but the part I do see has danger written all over it. The tension in the air is palpable as the three men standoff. I can barely breathe with it all, but then Alexander moves out of the way. I open the door, and without looking back, pull Lauren through it.
I can’t see Josh as the elevator doors close, but the two others watch intently. For the first time in my life, no one is looking at me. They both have their gaze focused on Lauren.
I pull my hair back into a ponytail and hide it under my hat. The parking lot was only open to residents, so I had to park around the back of the building. I pull two pairs of dark glasses from my bag and hand one to Lauren. She takes them and places them over her eyes which are damp with tears.
“You are safe now. I found us a car. We’re going to drive south until we hit the Mexican border.”
She wipes her nose with the back of her hand. “Then what, Lucy?”
“Then we keep going until we find a beach to live out our days. I have a friend in São Paulo that my father doesn’t know about. Maybe we could go there.”
She gives me a little nod. Despite her life circumstances, Lauren is the most upbeat, optimistic person I know. Or was. something has broken her this week... or someone. I want to ask her what Josh and his friends did to her, but the elevator doors are opening and there’s no time. I want to be out of here before our father figures out where we are.
“Keep your head down and walk quickly,” I say as we step out of the elevator. She’s unsteady as we pelt across the marble flooring of the reception area. The concierge stares as we dash past him. It’s looks like the one he gives us that I need to avoid. I’ve dressed as inconspicuously as possible, and Lauren is no longer my spitting image, but the whole world is looking for us... me. It won’t take more than a second glance from the wrong person to get us caught. I bundle Lauren outside, past an elderly lady. My heart pounds as a well-built man dashes toward us, but at the last second, he ducks to the side and hurries past. Everyone is a danger on these streets. Anyone could be working for my father. I need to remember that. I keep my head down and Lauren does the same as we bustle past tourists along the street.
“We’re parked just down here,” I say, turning right. Lauren locks her arms in mine. The relief in finding her is masked by the fear of what Josh and his friends did to her. It’s clear she’s changed. And those words she said to them. They couldn’t even keep her safe from them. I don’t want to know what she means by that, but I’m going to have to ask her. She’s been through so much trauma in her life that the thought of Josh or anyone inflicting more makes me feel physically sick. I want to bundle her up in cotton wool and hide her from the world. Not the way my father did. I just want her to be safe, and we can’t be safe in New York. I can’t guarantee my father won’t find us no matter where we go, but getting out of the country is our best bet. I can’t go north. My father has eyes all over Canada. Even Mexico is risky, but it’s our only way out. I have two fake passports in my pocket and enough cash to last us six months. After that, we’ll have to figure out how to make money under the radar. Maybe I’ll cut and dye my hair like Lauren has. Not that she did it to herself. It’s a choppy cut and not professional, but it’s too good for her to have done herself. My heart lightens a little when we get to that car. There’s no one in sight and, by some miracle, we’ve not got a ticket. I didn’t park as legally as I could have. It’s only when we’re both in the car that I finally breathe easier.
It’s going to take at least two days' driving to get to the border. I have no phone to guide me, but the trunk has enough food to last us and I’ve bought maps. We’re going old school. Lauren doesn’t say a word as I pull out into traffic. One worry is replaced with another. I can’t imagine that Josh would hurt her, but things change. People change. And I can’t get the way he looked at me out of my mind.
We drive the first couple of hours in silence. Every car that drives behind us I watch, only breathing a little easier when they pull off onto other roads. The threat didn’t end in New York, it’s ongoing. “Did they hurt you?” I finally ask. Rage is already bubbling under my skin as I anticipate what she’ll say.
“I slept with Josh,” she finally says.
My knuckles turn white as I grip the steering wheel.
“I’ll fucking kill him. When we get to where we are going, I’ll think of a way to kill him. I’m so sorry, Lauren.” My heart implodes with pain as the consequences of me leaving her for fifteen minutes become apparent. I should have taken her with me.
“I wanted to, Lucy. I’ve always wanted to... so I did.”
I take my eyes from the road for a second to glance at her. Her eyes are glazed over as though she’s not quite crying, but almost there. “You wanted to?” I swallow back my fears. “He didn’t force you?”
She snorts, but doesn’t answer. “Did he force you, Lauren?”
Her voice is monotone as she answers. “Does it matter if he did?”
Fuck. “Of course it matters.” I’ve taught Lauren everything, but this I never thought about. I was quite content telling her of my sexual escapades with glamorous men and women, but it never occurred to me that she would have any interest beyond the theory of it. It’s not like she would have the opportunity. Shame fills me when I think back to what little I’ve taught her about the world. How sheltered she truly is. It’s not my fault that she’s been locked away for so many years, but it’s my fault I didn’t teach her more. Look after her better. I did what I could. It wasn’t enough. I made the mistake of seeing her as an extension of myself. A hidden secret part of me instead of a full bloodied woman in her whole right. If Josh and his friends hurt her, I’ve only got myself to blame.
“He didn’t force me,” she whispers. She licks her lips and turns to me. “I wanted him. I was scared, and I didn’t know what to do or how to be. I didn’t know anything, and I certainly didn’t know how to be me, so I became you.”
I knew that. It was obvious when they opened the door that they didn’t know who I was, or at least, they didn’t know who Lauren was. I wonder how Josh must have felt when he first saw me after all these years? He probably felt the same shock I felt when I saw him in the paper. Did he feel the same sense of loss of what could have been? The same heart wrenching pain? The flutters of excitement. Ha. He obviously felt more than flutters. Josh and I finally had sex, and I wasn’t even there. It wasn’t even me.
“Lucy?”
“Hmm?” I reply.
“Please don’t hate me.”
