Page 55 of The Queen's Serpent

If you read between the lines, all you see is, “You’re not worth it. You’ll only get in the way. You’re useless.” My response to that was to shove as much coke up my nose, and vodka down my throat, as possible. That was two days ago, and I’m only coming off that binge now.

My first coherent thought was that I needed to see Kai, to be wrapped in his arms, and know some semblance of love from someone. Yet here I am once again, being nothing but a disappointment. Even the man who claims to love me, can’t stand all the broken, weak parts of me.

Will there ever be someone who loves me for me? You don’t even love yourself, so how can you believe someone else can love you?

I turn away from him, not wanting to continue seeing the judgment on his face, and the hurt in his eyes. “Nothing, I don’t need a reason.”

“Isabella, please. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. This is not the right way to handle your problems. You can’t just keep running and evading them. Let me help you get clean, and into a program.” His hand reaches out and tries to pull me back towards him, but I step out of his reach.

I’m so sick of him telling me this is not how to handle my problems. What does he know of my problems? He has his purpose, a loving family to support him, parents who dote on him, and a brother who adores him and would never think to leave him behind. I have nothing and no one, no parents, no purpose, no life of my own. Half the time when I am with my only remaining family, they don’t acknowledge that I am there, unless I have created a scandal they must fix. Even my sister, who I thought would never betray me, is willing to leave me behind.

“I don’t want your fucking help, Kai. There is nothing wrong with how I handle my problems. We can’t all be perfect and golden like you are.” I take a step towards the door of the apartment, ready to make my escape from his judgment, and sermon on how drugs are harmful to me. Like, no shit, asshole, that’s why I do them in the first place.

“Let me call your sister and grandmother, and between the four of us, we can figure out how to help you, Isabella.” I whirl around and bare my teeth at him with a growl, and his eyes widen dramatically.

“You will do no such fucking thing. I didn’t ask you to put on your savior cape, Kai. I don’t want your help or anyone’s help. I don’t want to be saved. If you can’t accept that this is who I am, we shouldn’t be together.” I pry the apartment door open, and step out into the dingy hallway that reeks of sweat, a mixture of different foods, and garbage.

If only Stella Stratford could see how her granddaughter likes to slum it, she would be horrified. Oh well, it would just add to my long list of sins committed. That list grows daily, as she likes to remind me.

“Isabella, please don’t leave. We can talk about this. Come back in and let me feed you at least.”

I don’t bother to turn around, though, because I have no intention of being manipulated by him or anyone else. As much as I think I love him, I don’t want to change for him. I don’t want to be saved by anyone. All I crave is destruction and chaos, because at least then, I don’t hear the voices in my head reminding me that I’m nothing.

Chapter thirty-one

Issy

“In the depth of winter,I finally learned that within me, there lay an invincible summer.”

Albert Camus

I wake from my dream with a start, the sounds and smells so vivid that I can almost taste the garlic and tomato sauce, and my stomach rumbles with hunger. My eyes search the area around me. Night has started to creep forward, and with it, the jungle looks ominous.

I had to beg Francisco to stop for a few hours as my legs felt like jello, and the blisters on my feet were aching, and making every step feel excruciating. He took pity on me once we had come close to the river he mentioned. I bathed and cleaned my blisters, and tucked myself at the base of a tree for a few hours of rest, and now, as I look around, I don’t see him anywhere.

I scramble to my feet and try to restrain the need to shout for him. It’s not safe. He repeatedly reminded me to be silent as we traveled through the jungle, so as not to garner unwanted attention from the humans, and beasts, that may be hunting us.

Has something happened to him while I slept? Has he abandoned me? Left me to die in this jungle alone, without any idea of the direction I have to travel, in order to reach safe passage. Was that Santiago’s plan all along?

The quiet sound of a twig snapping has me pushing back into the fauna around me, and sliding my hand down to the ground to grasp the small blade he gave me hours ago to protect myself.Just as I hoist it, ready to slam it into whoever or whatever is before me, an arm snaps out and grabs my wrist.

“Easy there, no need to stab me, girl.” Francisco’s amused voice greets my ears, and the breath I was holding leaves me in a wheeze. I have never been so happy to hear anyone’s voice. I was positive he had abandoned me.

“So… rry. Sorry, I thought… I...” I don’t finish my sentence now, feeling foolish for having thought that he would have abandoned me, and that Santiago betrayed me with his promise to get me out of this jungle.

His dark eyes meet mine, and I see a look of understanding cross his face. “I won’t abandon you, Isabella. I promised myTiato see you safe, and I don’t break my promises.”

“Thank you,” I whisper, and he releases his grip.

“Come, I found some berries and nuts. We need to eat quickly and get across the river before the light completely disappears. It won’t be safe to be in the water after dark, and I fear we are still too close to the compound.”

I sit down on the tree trunk, and he hands me a piece of fabric with berries and nuts wrapped in its center. I’m so hungry that I don’t even hesitate to start eating, the delicious tart and sweet combination of the berries exploding on my tongue. “How far are we from the village?”

He pulls out the digital compass and shows it to me. “We need to keep heading in that direction,” he points to the far right. “Once we cross the river, we are still just under fifty miles away from the village. The terrain will get harder now, as denser jungle is on that side. It will slow us down, but we have to keep pushing.”

“How long do you think it will take us?” I question as I eat more of the sweet berries that he has provided.

“A day, maybe two at the most, if we don’t stop for long.” I immediately get what he’s saying without speaking the words.I have to find the strength to keep moving, and keep up with his pace, or we are doomed. I’m the reason we haven’t made it farther.

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