Page 35 of Fracture

“No?”

“No.” He closes the distance between us, and cradles my face in his hands. “I can’t stop thinking about you. I fucking need you. And I know that’s fucked up, I know you love Stella, but-”

“But?” I push his hands away. “There is no But. I love her, and I want it to work with her.”

“She wouldn’t have to know.”

“Fuck you.” I shove him away from me. “So you just want me to be your dirty secret, huh?”

“No! I just meant… I just meant that we could… I don’t know, just, just try it.”

Thunder growls loudly, and rain begins to fall, landing on the porch in heavy drops.

“Try it?” I shake my head, laughing bitterly. “You know what, maybe Stella was right. Maybe we do need therapy.”

Levi advances on me again, trying to put his hands on me, but I fight him off.

“Dylan, please, I care about you. I… I want you.”

“I can’t do this.”

Levi doesn’t try to stop me as I walk back into the house, and my head feels like it’s going to explode. I lock myself in my bedroom, and throw myself down onto the bed, staring at the flashes of lightning as their reflections dance across the ceiling. After a while, the porch light clicks off and Levi’s footsteps sound softly on the stairs.

Guilt and shame stop me from sleeping at all, and as the storm rages outside, as it gradually blows out and gives way toa brilliant orange dawn, I wonder if maybe the three of us are broken, and if that’s exactly what draws us to each other.

Maybe it’s what will end us all.

I sneak out of the house early, before Stella or Levi get out of bed. I don’t want to risk encountering either of them, and I’m overcome with grief at the idea that I’m going to lose either of them because of this. If Stella knew I nearly blew her brother on her fucking porch, she’d never understand. And Levi crossed a line that can’t be uncrossed, and the whole situation makes me sick and sad.

I don’t want to lose him. I can’t.

I gun the engine of my bike and tear down the street, welcoming the fresh breeze.

I decide to do something I’ve never done before, because right now I don’t know where else to go. I need to talk to someone about this. Even if they can’t answer me.

The cemetery is bathed in golden morning light, birds singing happily in the trees. I hesitate as I take off my helmet, but I take a deep breath and climb off my bike.

The last time I was in this cemetery, I was a fourteen year old boy, trying not to cry as I followed the matching coffins to their graves. The only comfort I ever took from their deaths was that they died together. My father had worshiped my mother, despite the fact his family hated her. She’d been beautiful, fiery and intelligent, and he’d fallen hard for her.

“See her?” He’d ask me whenever my mother did anything, whether it be go to work or cook a meal. “Find yourself a partner like that, son. One as extraordinary as your mama. You’ll be happy for the rest of your life if you do that.”

They’d been on their way home from her favorite opera when that truck had run a red light and snuffed out their lives. I often imagine that night, those moments before they died. My mother’s animated speech about how the soprano had been perfect, about how the aria moved her to tears. My father’s indulgent smiles, kissing her hand as she raved and wept beside him.

And then they’d been gone. They hadn’t even seen it coming. My mother’s hand was still in my father’s in the wreckage.

I blink away tears as I navigate the wet path, my feet finding the way even though it’s been fifteen years.

The graves look the same, slightly weathered. Their pictures smile out at me, and I shove my hands into my pockets on a heavy sigh.

“Sorry it took me so long,” I tell them. “I don’t have an excuse. Well I mean, I do. I was in prison for 10 years.” I huff out a laugh. “Some son I ended up being, huh? But it was for a good reason. And you always told me, Mom, you said that sometimes the right thing is hard. I did it for someone I love.”

I grind my foot into the ground, struggling to find the words even though I’m just talking to the air. But their smiling faces make me want to admit to everything, to seek some level of equilibrium in the fucking mess I find myself in.

“I’ve fallen in love with someone extraordinary, just like you always told me to, Dad.” I laugh as tears burn my eyes. “The fucking problem is, that it’s two someones, and they’re brother and sister, well, stepbrother and stepsister, does that matter? And I’m here, loving them both and I feel like I can’t have either of them. But the thought of not having them, I feel like I can’t fucking breathe without them.”

I drop to my knees, scrubbing my clawed fingers along my thighs.

“I wanted to be someone you’d be proud of. Someone who you’d look down on and be telling all the angels, yeah that’s my son. And who am I? Some homewrecker who can’t stay faithful to one person, who went to fucking prison for putting a bullet in a man’s head. That’s your legacy. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”

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