Page 36 of Afflicted

Matt’s still looking at me with concern and an air of hopelessness. I get to my feet quickly, pulling my hand from his.

“I just need to go to the bathroom,” I say, and head for the door where the red-headed vamp is still talking to the guards. They all turn to look at me as I approach. “I need the bathroom.”

They wave me out the door impatiently, and I step out into the floodlit compound. A light drizzle is falling from the dark sky, and I pad across the damp path to the bathroom block.

“You OK?”

The voice from the shadow of the building startles me, and I stumble back a few steps.

Silas steps out into the light, running a hand through his hair in the increasing rain. “You OK?” He asks again. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

I shake my head. “I’m fine. I dunno. I don’t feel anything anymore.”

Silas winces, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m so sorry.”

“You shot people,” I say, and my voice is so hollow that it almost has its own echo, drumming through my skull as I look at Silas’s pained expression. “You shot them, right in front of us. You executed them.”

“Juliet-”

“And you know the worst part?” I think I’m smiling. I’m so numb. So fucking numb. “I actually thought to myself that y’all were doing them a favor. That you were being kind. Because they’d die anyway, right?”

Silas takes a step towards me, the rusty eyes lit up in the harsh glow of the floodlights. “We have to protect you all.”

“Y’all keep saying that..” My teeth are chattering now. “You say it, over and over, and I know all of that.”

“I know it's cold comfort.”

“Yeah, you can say that again.” I tip my head up to the rain, droplets landing on my lashes. “What do you call this feeling? Where you want to live, but you don’t, and you don’t want to die, not really, but you don’t want to live anymore?” An almost hysterical giggle leaves my lips as I meet Silas’s gaze. “What do I call that?” I hiccup out a sob over the laughter. “I don’t want to live like this, but thinking I was going - I was going t-to d-die… L-like-” I cut off as my chest begins to burn.

Silas’s brow furrows and he steps closer to me, putting his hands on my arms. “Juliet, I need you to breathe, or you’re going to pass out.”

“Maybe I want to pass out.” I clutch a hand to my throat, which feels like it’s closing up. “Maybe I want-”

Silas has me off the ground and in his arms before I can protest, before I can even register what’s happening. Then I’m in the shower block, and I’m under warm water.

I wrap my arms around myself, trying to breathe. Silas is standing next to me, not touching me, his hand braced against the shower wall, frowning. We just stare at each other for a while, as we both get soaked in the warm water. Droplets run from his hair, down his face. He just stays there, looking at me. After a while, he gives me a little smile.

“Alright?”

I nod, water running into my mouth as I suck in jerky breaths. “Maybe? I don’t know?”

“Well you’ll be warm at least.” He holds up a hand. “I’ll be right back. I’ll get you some clean clothes and a towel.”

“Why do you care?” My voice cracks, frayed at the edges with weariness. Silas frowns at me. “Why?” I demand. “Why do you care so fucking much? No one else does.”

He opens his mouth then purses his lips, his eyes searching the floor then lifting back to mine. “I just do, alright? You deserve better than all this.”

I want to laugh in his face, I want to sneer at him. I want to believe he’s lying. Maybe I even want to believe he’s just doing this because he sees me as nothing more than a piece of ass. Believing he actually cares hurts too much. The way he’s looking at me, those rusty eyes filled with compassion and concern, they’re too much. It’s all too much to have someone like him look at me in a way no one has ever looked at me in my life.

“Will you hold me?” I murmur, and he visibly flinches.

“What did you say?” He asks, moving closer to me.

“I-I… Never mind.” I cover my face with my hands, shivering despite the warm water. I don’t even know why I asked him that.

I gasp as his arms move around me. I don’t look up at him, just lean into him, trembling.

“It’s alright, Jules,” he murmurs. “I’ve got you, OK? It’s alright.”

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