Page 15 of Afflicted

I haven’t beenable to look at Matt.

The few times he’s tried to talk to me, I’ve kept my eyes fixed on the floor and mumbled an excuse to just leave. The shame of that night is so burned into my brain it makes me feel sick every time I think about it. Everyone in the dorm knows what happened and it was so excruciatingly awkward. Gina has been like a bulldog, staring down anyone who made a quip about that night. It’s been the week from hell.

But today I’m finally on garden duty, and that makes me happy. Movement and sunshine and fresh air, even if that air is humid and thick. It’s exactly what I need.

Unfortunately, Matt is on the garden team as well.

I try not to think about how close he is, focusing on my work instead. I set about weeding, crawling around on my knees in the dirt, plucking one dandelion after another from the garden bed, when someone kneels beside me. I look up and meet Matt’s eyes.

“Hey,” he says weakly. “Please talk to me.”

I sigh, my shoulders slumping as I go back to the weeding. “I don’t think there’s a whole lot to say.”

“I shouldn’t have done that the other night, I’m sorry.” He hangs his head, and the remorse on his face makes me ache a little.

“I wanted to,” I assure him, giving him a weak smile when his eyes lift back to meet mine. “I did. It’s been years since I slept with anyone.”

He gives a bitter laugh. “That just makes me feel worse. You finally get laid, and it’s by someone like me.” He shakes his head quickly when he sees me open my mouth to speak. “No no, come on, sorry, I don’t want to make you feel bad. You don’t need to pity me.” He rubs his hands together and looks me over. “Did that feeder hurt you?”

“No, he just made me shower.” And asked me my name. Aggressively. It was weirdly humanizing, knowing his name and him knowing mine. I don’t like it. I prefer the distance.

Matt sits back on the grass, his arms resting on his raised knees. “I’m really sorry about that night,” he says softly, tearing apart a blade of grass in his fingertips. “It was just about as fucked up as it can get.”

I look over at him, rocking back onto my knees. “You said your body was screwed because of the drugs?”

He nods. “They fed me viagra, and a whole bunch of other shit, just constantly, so I’d be, you know, able to get all these women pregnant.” He looks out across the garden. “So now, even when I’m really turned on, even when I’m with someone who’s real hot, my body just…” His gaze moves back to me and he shrugs helplessly. “I hate it. I really like you, you know, as much as I can when I just met you. I wanted to make you feel good, and then it was just over. And then…”

“Yeah, it wasn’t great.” I spot Silas standing over near the garden shed, his arms crossed over his chest as he watches us. “That feeder is a fucking psycho.”

Matt looks over his shoulder. “Sure is.” He turns back to face me and gives me a small smile. “I like you, Juliet. I really do. And I’d like to, I don’t know, I mean… Maybe we could get to know each other a little, I’d like to at least be your friend.”

I return his smile. “I’d like that too. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you, I was just so embarrassed.”

“I totally get that, I felt so bad.” He reaches over and takes my hand. “This whole situation is so fucked up.”

“Yes it is.” I sigh.

“You felt good though.” His thumb brushes over my knuckles. “You felt really good.”

“So did you,” I reply, clasping his fingers a little tighter. I feel a twinge at lying, it hadn’t really been long enough for me to decide if it was good. But Matt’s sweet, and gentle, and he seems to want to get to know me. I hate the glimmer of hope this conversation is igniting inside me. That I’m now thinking that maybe we can find a way to be together, somewhere quiet, where we can take our time, as unlikely as that seems.

The shiver that breaks out over my shoulders tells me Silas is still watching from a distance, and I pull Matt to his feet quickly.

“Come on,” I say, grabbing a wheelbarrow and pushing it down the hill, “let’s go for a walk.” I just know Silas’s eyes are following me, like the fucking stalker he is. I just pray he doesn’t follow me right now, because I can’t take his gaze on me for one more second.

“Where are we going?” Matt asks as we cross the sunny stretch of grass.

“Away from the feeders, away from everyone else.” I smile over my shoulder at him. “I come down here sometimes, just to get away. If I grab a wheelbarrow no one asks me any questions.”

Matt chuckles. “Clever.”

“It’s hard to get alone time here.” I push the wheelbarrow towards the compost pile. “I miss being alone.”

“I was alone a lot at the farm,” Matt says, perching on the wooden edge of one of the raised garden beds. “If I wasn’t… down in one of the bedrooms with a woman, I was up in my room, alone.”

I regard him with sympathy, squinting at him in the bright sunshine. “Did you have a family before all this started?”

He sighs, nodding. “Yeah, hadn’t even been married a year when all this started.” He leans his elbows on his knees, and I sit down beside him. “She died pretty quick, she was a nurse so she was one of the first in our town to get infected.”

---