Page 13 of Fallen Stars

“I love you, Hailey,” someone yells over the crowd.

Hailey rests a hand over her heart. “That’s so sweet. I love you too.” She glances at Trip—who lightly strums the strings of his bass guitar—and jerks a thumb in his direction. “But this guy has my heart.”

A unanimousawwfrom the crowd fills the place.

She waves them off. “Enough of the sappy stuff.” She plucks a few chords on her guitar. “Who wants some rocking fucking roll?”

The crowd roars at a deafening level and it’s like nothing I’ve experienced. It’s intense, phenomenal and life-altering.

I press the bass drum foot pedal as we prepare to kick off the first song. When Hailey plays a specific set of chords together, it starts a silent countdown between us. Seconds before I lift my sticks to start the song, my breath catches in my lungs.

Weaving through the throng of people, Levi makes his way to our table. The buzz in my chest moments ago amplifies tenfold. And when he glances up at the stage and our eyes lock for one, two, three seconds, time stands still. For a blip in time, the pub, the crowd, my bandmates and friends… it all disappears. For a split second, it’s me and him.

He gives me exactly what I need.

That extra boost.

Him.

On the next breath, I bang my sticks down and start the song. And for the next hour and a half, I casually glance in his direction. Every single time, Levi’s eyes are on me.

Such a simple act, but it’s what keeps me hooked. It’s what gives me hope.

May 3rd

Something about tonight reminded me of years ago. Of the days when L & I hung out in his room for hours. Every once in a while, I’d look up from whatever the hell I was doing and notice his eyes on me. There was no longing or frustration or sympathy on his face. Maybe curiosity. Maybe admiration.

But I lived for those moments. Those tiny moments made me believe in the impossible.

We still hang at his place, only now it’s in the pool house. We still do a bunch of the same shit. But it’s been years since he’s looked at me like that. Often and relentless. Like there’s something he’s trying to figure out in his brilliant mind, but he just can’t.

For a while, not having those moments ate at my memories. It sucked away my hope. Until tonight.

I don’t know what the hell made tonight different. I don’t know why he suddenly couldn’t take his eyes off of me. It was addicting as hell. It fed my starved soul. It rejuvenated my hope for more.

L & I are like the tide. Up then down. Certain then questionable. Connected then disengaged. There isn’t any one thing we’ve done—together or individually—to make our friendship… fluctuate like this. It just does. And I’ve gotten used to it. I accept it.

But is it so wrong for me to also want more stability? Is it wrong for me to also want more than what we share? I don’t think it is. Selfish? Yes. But not wrong.

L & I may never be more than this, more than two friends that enjoy each other’s company. This should be enough. This should be fulfilling.

But the way he looked at me tonight… I’d be a fucking idiot to let go of the possibility we could be more. But how long is too long to hold on to hope?

THREE

LEVI

Electronic music blaresthrough the living room as I smash the buttons on my controller and turn it slightly to the right. Beside me, Oliver mimics the action as we both fight to make it to the finish line first. We’re neck and neck as I fist the controller tighter.

His knee starts to bounce as we round the last corner on the map.

For a moment, I let him think he has a chance of winning.

He scoots to the edge of his seat, a hint of a smile grazing the corner of his mouth.

I let that faint smile distract me for a split second. Then I punch the button for my final booster and fly past his car on the screen.

“Seriously?” he bellows over the music as he tosses his controller in the direction of the table. It lands with athwack.

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